It's been that long since April 16, 2013. It's been that long since my heart broke and never mended. Yes, it still hasn't mended. I don't think it ever will and I am okay with that.
I am okay having a broken heart. I need to be okay having a broken heart.
In the past I have gone from full out pathetic mode where I ran after the guy and begged for his love and another chance. I was shut down. I was told hurtful things. I was shamed and at some points, scorned.
I then went into complete denial and pretended he never existed. I refused to look at any of his posts and I would easily shut down any thoughts of him. This went very well until he reached out and showed up. A domino that got bumped gave more fight than I did and I found myself falling into an abyss where I thought I'd never get out.
Now, I finally understood what I need to do. After 1 year 5 months 19 days 5 hours and counting ...
I finally got it.
I need to accept that I am and will always be in love with him. I also need to accept that he will always care for me but he will also always find a reason to not be with me. His fear of me will always be bigger than his love for me and I cannot fight fear. He tells me to have faith when he has none.
"Fear is the absence of faith."
He has no faith in me. He has no faith in our love. He has no faith in us.
Right now, the song "Amnesia" is being played over and over again by my sister and it envelops me in its melody and lyrics. It wraps me around its little fingers, tosses me like I am nothing, and hurts me in every sense of my being.
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia .... sometimes I wish this but I know that a part of me wants to remember ... needs to remember ... for it is in remembering that I remind myself that though I may have lost him ... I once had him. I once had our epic love and a happiness that I have never found with someone else. It is in remembering that I will constantly reinforce the lessons I have learned and never let go of. It is in remembering that at times, I can pretend even for just a minute, that he is mine again.
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
'Cause I'm not fine at all