Friday, January 30, 2009

last will and testament

I just made mine. The feeling was beyond surreal and the editing that I did leaves me feeling hollow. I'm only 28. I shouldn't be thinking of this but I am. I fear for my life and I need to be sure B does not fall into the hands of someone I do not trust. I hope that this won't be needed for a very long time, at least 60 more years.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I am so tired.

I am tired.

I am so tired
of pretending to be okay
of pretending to understand
of pretending to be strong.

I am tired.

I am so tired
of stopping my tears from falling
from not breaking down
from not thinking of bad thoughts.

I am tired.

I am so tired.
When will this end?
Will it end?

I am so tired.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

a mom's kiss

I took a nap last night and my Mom was there fixing things on her desk. I was half asleep and before she left to go to her room, she kissed me on the head.

That felt so good. I have tears in my eyes when I remember it. It has been years since I felt that little kiss in the head when she thinks I'm sleeping.

I love you Mommy. I'm sorry for everything.

on my own

All my life, my happiness has depended on people around me. It may be my family, my friends, or a lover. I was almost always surrounded by people and I like that. It is my comfort zone. I feel secure, happy, and needed when I am with people I care for.

Call it insecurity or what have you but I have always wanted people I love around me. I feel loved. I feel cared for. I feel like I have a purpose. When I am alone, I feel worthless. I feel like the world is such an empty place and no one will miss me even if I disappear.

Pretty dramatic and pathetic huh?

I know .. so today, I will relearn new things. I will learn to play by myself, to have fun by myself, and to hang out at Starbucks by my lonesome self with a good book or my laptop to write my thoughts on. I have my iPod and I can listen to songs I want to as loud as I want to when I want to and not worry that someone is telling me something and I can't hear it coz music is too loud.

I will learn to explore new skills, hone old ones, and make do with what I have. If someone doesn't want to spend time with me or be with me, then so be it. Yes, it will hurt and I will shed tears, but its better to accept that rather than beg for time. It's really not that great a feeling.

And if I get into a bad situation and find that I am alone to deal with it, then I just need to reach out to people I can really count on and people who have been there for me all the time. For now, I need to learn to be happy on my own. After all, at the end of the day, I am all I have.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

yin and yang

You know how life is all about balance? They say that since there is good, there needs to be evil to balance it out. They say that you can't really see white if there is no black. They say that this is all needed to make sure life as we know it is balanced.

When good things happen, I always expect something bad to balance it. This has been the long winding musical background that has been playing in my life. Something good happens, something bad will happen. Its the way of life.

Some good things have been happening in my life lately but of course the ex is there to try and ruin things. Him and his family, the family that has been shielding him fo fear that I might eat their son alive. Yep, I was with a guy with no balls, who feel the need to go hide under Mommy's fugly lil skirt.

Am I affected? A bit. am human after all. Will I stay affected? Of course not. I am a fighter. I will survive this. I have my Mom and other people who love me backing me up. Even if they are not there, I have B who needs me to be strong. And so I will be. Even if it kills me.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

PostSecret Sharing # 4

At times, I feel like you don't want to share who you are with me ... like there's a part of you that needs to remain a secret. I don't know why ... I hope you will learn to trust me 100% soon. I am worthy of it you know.

I used to feel this way when my ex cheated on me. I had a conversation with him and asked him what he would do if the tables were turned. He told me it could never happen because I was too fat and ugly that no one will ever be interested in me.

It haunts me now and again.

* All images are from PostSecret.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Starbucks CityMug: UAE

This is the latest addition to my Starbucks CityMug collection. This was a present from a former agent of mine. I love it!
I now have the following:
  • HongKong
  • Manila
  • Tagaytay
  • Cebu
  • Baguio
  • Sacramento
  • Dallas
  • Mexico (on its way)
I am willing to accept donations of Starbucks CityMug. Lol. Seriously, I am. =)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

to tell or not to tell

When you are desperate and a solution comes, but you know that solution will upset someone dear to you ... but you're really, really desperate ... and this solution is the only one that has presented itself, do you go for it and keep it to yourself therefore lying by ommission to that person who matters to you or do you tell and just pray that the other person understands you are really desperate?

I am in that situation and I am not used to hiding things. This is killing me. To tell or not to tell?

Cool Things: Gravatar

I have no idea if blogger is gravatar enabled but I discovered that DaddyForever is and so I made one and it is so cool. For those who want to understand what I am saying, please go to

Just enter your email address (use the same email address as the one you use for commenting), submit some DNA sample, then click on the magical confirmation link in your email inbox. After you enter a password and a display name, you can upload a photo or graphics for your gravatar.

Here is my gravatar.
PS. I could not think of anything to post so here is my lame attempt. Lol.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

out of the dark clouds

I woke up earlier with a sudden realization. I have been really depressed the past day and I took it out on two people who matter to me a lot. What the hell was I thinking? What is wrong with me? Why do I need to go down that low end of the spectrum and wallow in self pity and hurt people that I love?
Darn. My head is out of the clouds now but I wonder how much damage I have inflicted? I hope that I can still fix it.

playing for keeps

Have you ever pretended to be something you're not to keep someone? Have you ever pretended to not hurt so that the other person won't feel bad? Have you ever said sorry just to make things alright? Have you ever wanted to cry but stop the tears so the other won't know? Have you ever been in a situation where you feel trapped but you don't make a move to get out because as much as you feel choked, you choose to be there than to lose that person? Have you ever pretended to be someone you're not just so that person will continue to love you?

Was it worth it?

Monday, January 19, 2009

do I matter?

do I matter
to you
to him
to them

will you miss me
when I am gone
will you notice
that I'm no longer there


so many questions
even more answers
which is the truth
which one's the lie

no one will really know
till I am truly gone

do i matter


thank me

Thank me
for coming into your life
only if you plan to keep me in it.

Thank me
for coming into your life
only if I am the only one in it.

Thank me
for coming into your life
only if you really mean it.

Do not thank me
if you will just break my heart
if you will make a fool of me
if you will ask me to leave in the future.

For to thank me now
and ask me to leave later
is something that I'm not ready for.

So thank me
for coming into your life
only if you plan to keep me forever.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

PostSecret Sharing # 3

This week's PostSecret sharing is dedicated to someone important to me whom I have known for the last 10 years of my life and has been there for me through thick and thin, even when I was not the most loveable person inthe world.

This postcard probably say what you feel right now but know that there are people who love you. Yes, they may not be your significant other but still, there are people who love you. They may not be there all the time but when you need them most, they will be there. We will be there.

I am at times like this especially when people say I have something to tell you and I reply with what and they get really quiet or do not reply back immediately. That just really sucks. Or when I am in one of my moods and I feel a bit sad and I text people, then they don't reply ... I worry that they don't love me or I'm not important enough. Of course I eventually realized that I was just being silly.
I hope that someday, I will encounter this kind of an excuse. f course, this is just wishful thinking for now.

Friday, January 16, 2009

my life: a soap opera

A comment from one of my favorite bloggers prompted this post. DaddyForever said, "Sometimes your life seems like a soap opera."

I totally agree with him. My life is sometimes like a soap opera. There were a lot of tears shed, betrayals, really happy moments, greed for money, threats of being killed, abuse against women, father's refusing to support their child, manipulations, and whatever makes a soap opera what it is.

I wonder when they will take me out of the cast so that my life can become a dull, ordinary, happy one.

the hunt for the perfect bag

I have the following in my bag:
  • Starbucks planner
  • notebook
  • address book
  • 2 small pouches for toiletries and make up
  • shades
  • eyeglass
  • ipod
  • 2 cellphones
I need the perfect black bag to accomodate all those and yet look nice. Which one should I go for?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I wish I was a kid again ....

I wish I was a kid again ...
  • my biggest problem would be what toy to play with and who to share it with; not worry as to who is sharing my SO's attention with me.
  • my biggest concern would be to pee or not to pee in the potty and if I do not pee in the potty, get away with a sorry.
  • I would just choose what TV show to watch on TV without being tagged a couch potato.
  • I can play with bubbles all day if I want without looking like a retard.
  • I can sleep till noon and not be scolded for being lazy.
  • I can be chubby and be called cute instead of unhealthy.
  • I can cry and be consoled without needing to explain in detail why I am crying.
  • I can ask for a hug and everyone would be willing to give me one.
I need a hug. I wish I was a kid again.

Tuyo and Tinapa: Potentially Dangerous to Life and Health

I stumbled over this article about some NY nuns suing a Filipino couple because they cooked dried fish (tuyo) and the NY nuns thought the smell was that of a decomposing body. I've never smelled a decomposing body and I don't know where those nuns have been staying in their leisure time to actually know the smell of a decomposing body, but dried fish does not smell anywhere near a decomposing body.

This is just plain racist. Seriously.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

positive and negative

This week started off in a bad way; H's family has started bothering us again and of course being the worrywart that I am, I got affected. Today, I realize that worrying will bring me nowhere. Even if I worry and worry, nothing will come out of it.

So I've decided that I will turn it around and make it a positive thing. This is a challenge for me that I need to overcome. As they say, when you are rising above, people below will try to bring you down. That is what is happening, and I refuse to let that happen.

I life everything to God now. Thy will be done. I am not a religious person but even I know that in cases like these, God is still the one who can really help out. =)

Of course prayers from you guys won't hurt as well. Mwah!

karma bites

To K - Having 2 boyfriends will never do you any good. If you get pregnant, its gonna be hard to explain to the other why the baby does not look anything like him. Lol. Tsk tsk ..

To R - You will never win. Ever.

That's all. =p

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

when to propose to a woman

A friend of a friend just proposed to his girlfriend and it got me thinking.

Propose to a woman only if ...
You are really sure that come hell or highwater, heaven or hell, sickness and all that, for richer or for poorer ... you want her as your wife, you want her to be the only woman in your bed and out of it, to be there to support you no matter what ... when you are sure that even when you are tempted to be with someone else, you will stay faithful to her.

Propose to a woman only if ...
hers is the face you want to see first thing when you wake up and the last face you will see when you sleep at night ... when you can handle her quirks and even support her in things she does that you think is a waste of time.

Propose to a woman only if ...
you can accept her flaws, be it physical or emotional ... if you are ready to reassure her that even when she has no teeth, is wrinkly, and has white hair, she will be the only one you love ... if you can tolerate even her morning breath and bad hair days ...

Propose to a woman only if ...
she inspires you to be the best that you can be ... she supports you in things that you do ... she understands your quirks and accepts them.

Propose to a woman only if ...
you can live life without her but you choose to have a life with her because if she is not in it, then life is not worth living for.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I'd give my life for you ....

For my son, I will do anything ... even give him my life if needed. I listened to this song below and it fits what I feel for my B. This is from Miss Saigon.
You who i cradled in my arms
You asking as little as you can
Little snip of a little man
I know i'd give my life for you
You didn't ask me to be born
You why should you learn of war or pain?
To make sure you're not hurt again
I swear I'd give my life for you
I've tasted love beyond all fear
And you should know it's love that brought you hear
And in one perfect night when the stars burned like new,
I knew what I must do
I'll give you a million things
I'll never own
I'll give you a world to conquer when you're grown
You will be who you want to be
You, can choose whatever heaven grants
As long as you can have your chance
I swear i'll give my life for you
Sometimes I wake upreaching for him
I feel his shadow brush my head
But there's just moonlight on my bed
Was he a ghost was he a lie?
That made my body laugh and cry?
Then by my side the proof i seehis little one,
gods of the sun,bring him to me!
You will be who you want to be
You, can choose whatever heaven grants
As long as you can have your chance
I swear i'll give my life for you
No one can stop what i must do
I swear i'll give my life for you!

do I not?

I feel you
pulling away
hiding from me
protecting your heart.

It pains me.
Was it something I did?
Something I said perhaps?

do I not love you enough?
do I not reassure you?
do I not lavish you with love?

I know I do.
A bit much at times.
But I do.

and yet ...
I feel you
pulling away
from me.

and it pains me ...

song of the moment

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

munimuni # 31

This week has been a rollercoaster ride for me. I've felt happy, sad, accepted, rejected, wanted, needed, pushed away, and all things rolled into one. I've only started 2009. Whew.

I've made big decisions this week and I plan to keep them even if it kills me. This week was mostly good except for some low points which were pretty darn low. I'm still at that low point as I type this and I hope to get out of it soon.


1) B finally peed on the potty.
2) A project proposal at work got approved in just one day.
3) I was able to design my blog the way I wanted it to look.
4) My lil brothers are here spending part of their weekend.
5) I was able to use my planner and fill it out judiciously.

I hope this coming week will be so much better. =)

PostSecret Sharing # 2

This week is a surprise to me. Normally, I would find one or two at most cards that I can relate to. This week is a first for me. I found several. Please visit PostSecret to see the complete set of cards for this week.
I used to wish that when I loved him, he loved me back. He didn't. He loved me when I no longer loved him. As much as I wanted to get the feeling back, it just wasn't there anymore.
To be rejected in bed is one of the most insulting and painful things, especially if the other person matters a lot to you.
I dream of so many things but I know that most of them, if not all, will never be a reality because I do not have enough courage to make those dreams a reality. Sad, but true.
I love how blogs let you be in touch with the life of someone else. I find it scary how much you can know about someone through their blog.

I read books, a lot. I can relate to this because most of what I read though are nonfiction. I want to pretend that I'm this brainiac or philo person and read about autobiographies, biographies, or Oprah's Book Club choice. I can't. I'm just not into that. There are times I may be interested in one but I can't see myself going to the BestSeller List and choosing a book. I read books that interest me, whether its a romance book or Harry Potter.

don't let me be the last to know ...

There are some things in life that we want to know firsthand. There are things in life that we are okay with knowing along with other people. There are things in life that we don't want to be the last to know.

I was watching this TV show a couple of weeks ago and this singer sang "Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know" by a local artist. She sang it with such gusto that she moved me. I felt bad for her because she just broke up with her 3 year boyfriend and word was going aroung that he was seeing someone else.

I realized that there are some things in life that I do not want to be the last to know. It would be painful but even more so if everyone else knew save for you. That's adding insult to injury. Here's my list.
  • being cheated on
  • if the guy I am with no longer loves me, I want to know from him the moment he is sure he does not love me anymore
  • if the guy wants out, just tell me
  • if I have a terminal disease, I'd want to know so I can prepare what needs to be prepared and tell the people I love that I love them and do my "huling habilin" or last will
  • if there is gossip going around about me, I want to know immediately
  • if there is gossip about my family or someone saying bad things about them
  • if I'm about to be let go from my work
For now that is all I could think of.

snippets of love

Boy: at least hindi ako pikon (at least I'm not short-tempered)
Girl: hahahahaha ... ako pikon (I am)
Girl: ewan ko ba, as in pikon ako no (I don't know why but I just am)
Boy : yeah
Girl: hahaha ...
Girl: agree ka naman (you agree!)
Boy : totoo naman (its true)
Boy : hehe
Girl: love mo pa rin naman ako (but you still love me)
Boy : oo naman (of course)

Saturday, January 10, 2009

how to handle a woman

"How to handle a woman?
There's a way," said the wise old man,
"A way known by ev'ry woman
Since the whole rigmarole began."
"Do I flatter her?" I begged him answer
"Do I threaten or cajole or plead?
Do I brood or play the gay romancer?
"Said he, smiling: "No indeed.How to handle a woman?
Mark me well, I will tell you, sir
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her...simply love her...
Merely love her."

ooommmm .... ooommmmm .... ooommmm

What are the thing that relaxes me? I was asked this question one time by a friend. I answered this person with the following:
  • blogging since writing is very therapeutic for me
  • getting a manicure and pedicure
  • getting a massage
  • scrapbooking
  • taking pictures
  • listening to music in my iPod
  • cotton candy
  • chocolates
  • flowers
Sigh. If I could just have all for a day.

Friday, January 9, 2009

and we thought we knew people

I just learned something shocking today. I learned that a friend of mine who I fondly called Mojica is one of the biggest pathological liar ever. He apparently had a girlfriend of 8 years which I never knew existed. We were friends and I never knew this. I knew he had a girlfriend of 2 years who he lived with but apparently this was a different girl.

What irks me the most is that he used me to get another girl. I backed him up and then I learn that he got married to the gf of 8 years a month after the new girl agreed to go steady with him. OMG! The sheer nerve. He's not even handsome to boot. He's not handsome, he's not that smart, and he is a LIAR. Ugh!

If I see this so called friend of mine, I will slap him; for his betrayal of me and for his betrayal of this girl. He deserves it. I hope his wife finds out. Guys like him should be casatrated.

Gggrrrrr ....

Dude, I hope your wife realizes what an ass you are. Pity the girl you married for she married a liar.

peed on the potty !!!

B finally peed on the potty! YEY!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

a time to love

When is it right to fall in love again? When can you say that you are in love? When do you proclaim love on someone else? Is there a set rules that needs to be followed? Is there a guideline that one can peruse to see if she is right or wrong?

Do you know the answers to this question?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

i lost weight?

This juice thingy has been my savior over the holidays. Amidst all the pigging out, almost two weeks of no work, and constant celebrations ... I LOST WEIGHT. Lol ...

I heard everyone saying that they gained weight and when I took the weighting scale, I lost 5lbs. Hahahahaha! It's not much but I lost it over the holidays. It's a start and I plan to lose a lot more this year. For real.

I'd even track it if I could fing that ticker thingie. Hehe ... this is not a new years resolution bdw. This is something that I will do. =p

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

back on track

Things are back on track. All questions have been answered and there are no more left in my mind. I have laid down my bed and I will lie in it. Should it turn out that the bed I am lying in is not made of roses but thorns, nails, and broken glass ... I will get off and find another one. For now, I choose to lie on the bed and believe that it is made of roses, cotton candy, and all good things.

ignorance is bliss

This is not true. This is only true when you are TOTALLY ignorant of what is happening; if you really have NO IDEA whatsoever of the things that are happening. Ignorance is bliss only when it is true.

When you have an inkling that there might be something wrong, ignorance is not bliss. It will always come knocking on the side of your head, on the peripherals of your mind. Yeah, you may push it away but it will come back to haunt you. How long can you pretend to be ignorant? How long before it starts bogging you down?

How can you say ignorance is bliss if you're not really ignorant of what is happening?

burning bridges

Tonight, I might burn one of the most important bridge that I have built in my life. I am scared; scared out of my wits. Yet I need to do this. I need to know the answers to my questions even if it hurts me a lot. I need to know the answers because I need to understand why things happened the way they did. I need to understand so that I could let go.

I hope that I won't be burning a bridge tonight. I hope I will be rebuilding one.

Monday, January 5, 2009

am I a station or a destination?

Life is like riding a train. There are many twists and turns, left and right, ups and downs, and some dark tunnels that you need to go through. Some people choose to stop at certain stations without reaching the final destination. Some choose to finish it and find out what is at the end.

At times, we take a wrong turn and end up in the wrong place. Sometimes, we hurt the people we love who are waiting for us at the end when this happens. Still, we can backtrack and go back to where we are supposed to be.

At times, we go off the wrong station and stay there thinking that we are at the right one. We think that this is the end of it and then eventually realize that we were wrong.

At the end of the day ... we all want to reach our destination. We all want to be home. The big question is ... are you a station or are you his destination?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Post Secret Sharing # 1

I have posted a lot of cards here from Postsecret whenever one touches me or is something that I can relate. I wanna spread the word about this blog because it has helped me in ways that it will never know. To start the year ... these are the two cards that I am able to relate to.

The first one is about finding someone, be it a friend or more, that just feels right when you're together. Someone who feels like home. I'm glad to have met another person who feels just like this. I hope this person stays for the rest of my life.

As for this one, everyday, I am going forward and moving on. Everyday, I am healing more. I have realized that though I may not have been perfect, I deserve far far better. Good riddance to you!

munimuni # 30

This is my first WR for 2009. It's been 4 days and if the first 4 days of this year is an indication of how the year will be, then I am going to have a really fantastic 2009. So far, it has been peaceful and happy ... some quirks here and there but overall, I have spent it with people that I love and people who love me.

B got a lil bit sick but is still as bubbly as ever. Don't worry. He is okay. =p

Tomorrow is back to work day but I am excited about being busy again and juggling things. I want to try new things and build strong relationships. I want to grow as a person and learn more.

This year, I want to be a better me so that I can be a better person to the people who loves me.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

vegetarian I am not

I will probably get the ire of the PETA people but I really am not a vegetarian. I cannot live without my meat. I tried the famous Mushroom Burger of Tagaytay and though the taste was most likely really good due to the fact that it was a full house, I was not impressed.

I felt the that there was something missing from the burger and I really can't say that it was the meat. There was just something missing.
Still, hats off to vegetarians. Unfortunately, this is one gal who needs to have her meat.

Tagaytay Trip

My family and I went to Tagaytay today to spend some time with my Grandpa and Grandma who are going back to the province after being here for more than 2 weeks. Here are some pics from the trip.