i don't want you to go

As the song goes ...

Here I am
Alone and I don't understand
Exactly how it all began
The dream just walked away
I'm holding on
When all but the passion's gone

And from the start
Maybe I was tryin' too hard
It's crazy coz it's breakin' my heart
Things can fall apart but I know
That I don't want you to go

Things were not okay. Things have not been smooth sailing the past month or so. Yet, I wanted to be with you. I wanted to work things out. I have not been the best person to be with, but I tried to be one. Eventhough I was so broken, I tried to be whole. I wanted it to be okay.

Amidst all the spats and the fights, I was still happy because you were there. You made me happy. I think I was not able to return the favor.

I thought we could survive anything. I thought wrong. You chose her over me. I have to accept that your friend mattered more than I did. It hurts so much but I need to accept it.

Thank you ... thank you for putting me in my place.

no more me

No more me, for the me that I am is not someone you want.
No more me, for the me that I am is not someone you love.
No more me, for the me that I am does not make you happy.

I will happily let go of me
for you matter more than me
I will easily let go of me
for your happiness matters more than mine.

There will be no more me
no more craziness, no more crankiness
no more bitchiness.

I shall be what you want me to be
I shall be what you wish me to be.

For I do not want to lose you
And so I choose to lose myself
I choose us over me
No more me.
This is how it will be.

poison money

I once knew this woman who was really nice; she was loving, sincere, and caring. She was very down to earth though she had more money than us. She lived a simple life and she kept to her circle of friends and to her family. She was TM to me.

TM was my Mom's best friend. They were there for each other through the hospitalization of their children, through the fights and making up, through all the birthdays, Christmases, and New Years. TM was there for my Mom and my Mom was there for TM. She was there when Mark died and we all grieved. Their friendship spanned more than a decade.

But as they say, some good things never last. This was one of those things.

TM became rich, rich beyond her wildest dreams and along with that richness, she began to change. She was not the same TM that I knew and loved. She learned to call on her friends only when she needed them, when she had something to gain. She learned to value money and power more than friendship and family. She became poisoned.

It's a sad thing to see such a thing happen. It's a very very sad thing. I miss the old TM. I really do. I wish she would go back to the way she was before. I liked her better when she wasn't too rich. She may not have been a millionaire, but at least she was real.

and then?

A girl once gave a guy ten reasons as to why they should continue their relationship ... she said ...

1. I love you more than my own life.
2. I think you still love me.
3. I have not cheated on you and have no plans of cheating on you.
4. Even when we fight, even when you tell me hurtful words, even when you tell me you're near giving up on me, I still want to work things out.
5. Even when you hurt me, I still love you.
6. I want to be your wife.
7. I want to have a kid with you; me, who hates kids and promised to never have kids, is excited to ahve a baby with you.
8. I want to wake up in the morning with you beside me and sleep at night curled up beside you.
9. You make me happy. I think I still make you happy at times.
10. I will never run out of reasons to give you as to why we should fight for us.

He answered: And then?

the concept of death to a 9 year old

I had the unfortunate opportunity of explaining to K, my little sister, why the dog we adopted and tried to save was dying. See, she saw that it was weak and decided to watch over it. It then started to wheeze and obviously was about to die. She started bawling like no other. It was heartbreaking.

I told her it was because the puppy was neglected and not allowed to eat for several days. As much as we would like for the puppy to live, it didn't survive anymore. It was really sad. I felt so sad seeing the puppy trying to breathe and knowing that it wouldn't.

It was really heartbreaking. =(

so poor but so rich

I am poor in ...

1. money ... I need more to have a comfortable life, be able to give my Mom what she deserves and what she needs ... as well as B and my siblings.
2. problems ... I have a few but not too many which I am thankful for.

I am rich in ...

1. family who loves me
2. friends who remain loyal and faithful
3. B and J
4. a house that is also a home
5. fats that show I am able to eat more than needed
6. faith in God
7. stable job

How about you?

my fuzzy eye cover

I am ready to rest. I am dead tired but had to share my fuzzy eye cover. Lol. Good night everyone!

B at 4 years

writing, one of his favorite things to do
playing basketball in the laziest way ever

ready to swim ... SEXY! =)

pets and a birthday

This is Magick, our siberian spitz ... she is officially 27 years old now. She's a bit old and I feel sad knowing she won't have many dog years left.

This is Macho, our resident male cat. We got him from the street. Lol!

This is Bulilit (small thing.) She was given to us because the previous owners were not feeding her. See the ribs? Heinous huh?

This is Brownies. We have Cookie and Biscuit (our guinea pigs) and now we have Brownies. Lol!

And this is MayAnn's simple birthday celebration. She's the one in red. Happy birthday girl!

I like how we are able to hang out outside the house when it gets too warm. I really like it. =)

things that bring me comfort

I was reading a new book in the Chicken Soup series when I came across a small box that listed things that comforted the author and it got me writing this post ...

What are the things that comfort me? What are the things that make me smile and make me feel better?

1. Magick, my dog
2. my CareBears collection
3. a hug from J
4. a kiss from B
5. scrapbooking
6. good coffee
7. a fluffy, furry thing (pen, notebook, what have you)
8. comments in my blog posts
9. really comfortable shoes
10. shopping!!!
11. cheap, good pizza
12. blogging!
13. text messages from people I love
14. getting a citymug
15. FLOWERS!!!!

I think I'm too easy to please and too easily comforted but ... I don't care ... I'm happy ...

Old Philippines: Ayuntamiento

1902

This is the Ayuntamiento Building sometime in the early 1900s, all festooned with the Stars & Stripes possibly for the 4th of July celebrations. the building was the headquarters of the Civil Government at that time.

2009

This is what's left of it. The building was destroyed in World War II during the Battle of Manila and never rebuilt. It is now just a shell, and being used as a parking lot. The Ayuntamiento is located next to the Manila Cathedral in Intramuros. Too bad they didn't rebuild the Ayuntamiento Building. You can clearly see its original lines today.

get together at MOA

I had to show it off! J, look!!!
my dessert

the classic group pic with the food

with Kumareng Cherry

look at where B is looking ... yihee!

K focusing so much on the game

B enjoying the game

We met up with family friends today and it was enjoyable as always. It was time well spent for we have created new and wonderful memories. Miss you mare! Mwah!

the battle of the milk

I have decided to change B's milk for 2 reasons. The old one was a bit expensive and he is now 4. I know for some people he should have stopped drinking bottled milk at 2 years but for my Mom and I, we believe that milk should be part of the balanced diet of a growing child.

Today, as I write, I am letting B try a new milk. Mind you, the old one he had, he wouldn't let us change it for 2 years now. This is why I am apprehensive with changing his milk now that he is 4. I found a new one that is way cheaper than the old one but is fit for someone his age. It's meant for growing children and addresses the growth gap years kids go through.

So far, the battle for the new milk is tipping on my side. He's drank 1/4 of it and has not thrown the bottle at anyone which he used to do when he was a kid and we TRY to change his milk.

Wish me luck guys. I hope no bottle will be thrown so that no butt will be spanked.

citymug: MALAYSIA

Thanks Max for this new addition to my collection. Collection pics to be posted in a bit. =)

B's 4th bday celebration

with Nanny M on the way to McDo
with Nanny A at McDo

enjoying the Mcdo treat of Nanny A

with Ninang May Anne

chocolate! Mommy has it ....

birthday cake

with the angels

with family

showing off K's gift stickers

We had a simple but fun celebration for B. It may not be much but what mattered is that I was able to spend the day with him. He had McDo in the morning, and Jollibee in the afternoon. Coolness. Hehe ...

Happy birthday B! I love you!

happy 4th birthday B!

I hope you will always be smiling the way you are in this photo ... I wish that you will always be in good health and that you will grow to be a God fearing child. I love you B!

sentiments of a mother

Dear B,

Tomorrow, you will be 4 years old. Tomorrow, it will be 4 years since I brought you to this world and my journey as a Mom started. It hasn't been all peaches and cream but it hasn't been all sour pickles as well. It's been a crazy roller coaster ride with more highs than low.

It's been one hell of a ride that I know I will never get off though I have moments when I want to just so I can take a rest and be recharged. However, you seem to know those moments and you would just suddenly come up to me, put your little arms around me, and give me a big kiss and hug. It reminds me of why being a Mom is one of the most rewarding feeling on earth.

This year is also the first that you'll be celebrating it with just me at your side. There's no more Daddy since he has long abandoned us and neglected his duties and responsibilities to you. Do not worry B. I am here, and as long as I am able and alive, I will never abandon you. I will always be here, even when you won't want me to. That is what a Mom is. That's what Mom's are for.

I hope you'll understand me when you grow up. I hope that even if we have fights or misunderstandings, you will remember that Mommy wants only whats best for you and what will make you happy. A college diploma is non-negotiable though.

You're so big now. You're learning to be brave (too brave coz you like jumping in 9 feet of water at the clubhouse pool) and learning new things everyday. Mommy is so proud of you. You're very sweet too. I hope that never changes. I love the hugs and kisses and when you want to sit on my lap ... its the sweetest thing ever.

I know I'm not the best Mom; far from it actually. I am trying though. I hope its good enough for you. I really do. I love you B.

I always will, no matter what.

twins 1st regatta dragonboat competition 09

their boat leaving the competition behind
the family shot

the wacky one

1st place as always

with their plaque

As always, we were there to lend support. Normally, there were no souvenirs to take home but this one was different. This one, we got something to take home. SUNBURN. For some reason, though the sun was not shining that brightly, actually it wasn't shining much, we got sunburned. I literally have a red face, red neck, and arms. Wahhhhh!

bonding through farmtown

MY FARM

this is J's farm

this is K's farm

this is my Mom's farm

this is B's farm

Can you guess which one of us started first?

I love how Facebook is able to bond my family through farmtown. I even like it more because it helps relieve my Mom of stress. She's starting to get addicted to it and excited whenever there are crops ready to harvest. It's something that we can all talk about and relate to.

Thanks FB!

flavored straws

There's something I just recently discovered which has added joy to my milk drinking sessions with B and K. It's this Sipahh milk flavoring straws. I love it. It really tastes so good and lets you save up since you can buy just about the cheapest fresh milk and when you use this as a straw, it turns the milk into strawberry, vanilla, or chocolate flavor. B and K loves it, I do as well.

Mom's should really let their kids try it. It's YUM-O!

down memory lane ... way down ...

This makes me laugh. OMG! This is just crazy. Hahahahahaha ....

my students

what B wrote

B posing with the board Mama Thel and Nana Lyn gave him

with my real student, K

B showing off again

Weekday afternoons are spent with the two of them fighting for my attention. One is for school and one is for sheer attention. Its tiring but fun and rewarding too seeing as they actually do learn something.

contemplating in the rain

Its raining heavily outside, the wind is gushing and wrapping me in its embrace. I feel comforted and safe. I know that there are people who have no protection against this weather and I feel blessed to be under a solid roof with the people I love safe and sound.

The rain has always had an effect on me. It makes me reminisce and think back. It lets me contemplate on things that I normally would shut out of my mind. Rain and hot chocolate are my favorite when I want to think and mull things over.

Right now, what is on my mind is that I should pull back, I need to pull back. I need to do this for my own sanity, for my hearts sake. I just wish that when I see him, I can pull back and not be sucked in again. I might not survive another.