how do you not snap?

I have an almost 5 year old boy and lately, he's been getting on my nerves. We bond a lot lately, so I guess the time spent togethere also allows for more of his tantrums and wily ways to show up. It just unnerves me so much. It makes my blood boil that at times, I end up spanking him.

Then I feel like such a crappy Mom. Sigh ...

Suggestions are most welcome.

Sunday afternoon with the family ...

loving the peace in my eyes
my son showing off his new toy

with my Mom

with my true love

the twins and my Mom

the young ones

We went to SM to get some stuff and ended up eating at KFC for dinner and hanging out at Starbucks where travel plans for next year were made. WHEEEE! I love it! I miss hanging out with them ...

munimuni # 49

This week ... has been a revelation. It has been one big revelation. I am thankful for these opportunities being given to me by my Lord to make things better in my life. Thank you Lord.

Thank you for moments such as the ones below and for the bonding I get to have with my family. I am in the right path once again. Let me never go astray.

my son showing off his brick game
watching DVD's

BURP!

my parents

with our visitors ...
my table setting ...
mussels

suwahe

sinigang na miso

This is how Saturday was spent ... with friends and family and really good food. YUM!!!

after 10 years incommunicado

one of the 3 platters
w/my childhood friend Jason

his gift, Taiwan and Taipei mini citymug

Today, I met up with a childhood friend I had not seen nor talked to in more than 12 years. It felt so good hanging out with someone who reminded me of what I was ... and who I am supposed to be. It felt good to be the old me again.

Thanks Jason. Thank you for reminding me of what I am supposed to be worth and what I really am worth.

fall tears ... wash away my pain ...

A few tears fell today ... but that is okay ...

for I know that these tears will soon be replaced by a million smiles and laughter.

So fall tears, wash away the pain, for soon it will be just smiles and laughter.

Today, I realized that the pain has not gone away nor will it be going away anytime soon. 20 months is still 20 months and I gave my heart wholeheartedly. Having it thrown away just like that will of course hurt a lot but what I need to focus on is that yes, it may be hurting now, but soon, it won't hurt anymore.

Time heals all wounds, no matter how deep the cut, no matter how big it is. This is what is great about time. One day, I know I will be able to look back at this event in my life and remember him, and smile. I will remember the good, not the bad. I will remember the love, not the pain. And I will smile.

But for now, fall tears ... fall ... with every drop, I will be stronger and the pain will lessen. So fall tears ... fall.

domestication 101

the raw fish and sauce
being fried ....

the finished product

me, all sweaty because of the frying pan's heat ....

Today, I volunteered to cook our meal for tonight. Thankfully, the fish was cooked just right and so far (1 hour into the meal) no one has died of food poisoning. Thank God!

alone time

Starting today, I will chronicle the moments of my life that I have ... even my alone time. I loved it. I was able to spend time by myself ... writing down my thoughts ... pondering where I went wrong in life ... taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture. I was also able to list down things I want to do, priorities, and random thoughts. It felt good ... being alone feels good.

the biggest loser: ngo family edition

my younger brother training our little sister
my son thinking that my brother is a seesaw

and to the side!

dead tired ...

This was how Sunday afternoon was spent ... working up a sweat and with lots of laughter coz K was so tired from exercising. LOL.

munimuni # 48

This week started on a good note for me. I thought that things were okay and that things were doing really well. I was happy. Apparently, the saying ignorance is bliss was so applicable to me.

Thursday this week, my 20 month relationship finally ended. No, it did not end on a good note for there were a lot of pain inflicted and betrayal. Did I cry? Of course. Did I hurt, yes. Did I learn? DEFINITELY.

I have been wondering the past 2 days as to why I am not on the ground, crawling and miserable. I really thought I would be. I loved him, too much ... with all my heart. But I am okay ... I am moving on. FOR REAL.

A friend told me, its because you no longer have any what if's. You can go to sleep at night knowing that you did everything to save it, and that it was not your fault it broke down. She was right. I do not have any what if's. I know I did everything.

So I can say, this week, I have been blessed. I got out of something that was merely a creation of my mind. I thought it was pure love; that I have met the half to my whole. He wasn't. He was merely someone who would make me realize that a princess should never go around kissing frogs. I should just focus on me, and love me, and the people who really love me and appreciate me.

I am not angry at him. I am not bitter. I am not mad. I do not resent him. I have given all my pain, anger, hatred, heartache to God. God knows everything. He knows what is in my heart.

And so, I'm letting go of what is not worth holding on and I am holding on to my God. He will never forsake me nor hurt me. He is my true love.

SPH # 28: Monthly

I plan to collect board games for B and I on a monthly basis now. I will buy a new board game monthly and I think it will be a great collection for us. What do you think?

Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"

She is positive! Way to go girl ... now rub off on me!

happy meal ...

doing my cheeseburger meal part
showing off his happy meal toys

We went out today ... B and I with my Kumare. We bought some rubber shoes, leggings, blouse, and new footwear. I dyed my hair as well and got a makeover. Pretty good 1st day for me if I may say so.

finally ... it's over

The last 20 months, I can say that I have been happy with J ... but at the back of my mind, its always been the need to behave because he might leave me if I don't behave. This intensified even more after the cool off period when he would easily snap at the slightest mistake.

Yesterday, I finally had the courage to ask him what was up ... and to verify if what I was feeling was right. And I was ...

A week ... for a week he has been flirting with random girls he picked up via chattv. The excuse? He needed someone to talk to about us who would not be bias. The clincher? The girls were all told that he had no girlfriend. I find it hard to talk to someone about a girlfriend who's not even supposed to exist.

And so I let go ... and he let go ... he dumped me and I accepted it. He said his main reason was "you love me too much." I thought the "its not you its me" excuse was the most lame but this one topped the list.

So finally, its over. No more worrying if he's cheating on me or not (he is!), no more thinking of how I should be when he's around so that he won't get upset with me. No more begging for attention, a text message, a call, or his love.

No more you. Finally, it really is over.

I'm glad it happened though. The lessons I learned are invaluable. I know now that I can really love, with everything that I have, with no limitations. I am capable of loving. Damn capable. And I am proud of that ... its not my loss that you were not capable of receiving it appreciating it.

I'm just glad that finally, it really is truly over.

krisy moments with new friends

These ladies are the only ones I call friends at my new workplace. They are real people and I love that they are beautiful not only outside but inside as well. I love hanging out with them and just chatting ... they make sense and the gray matter in between their ears function very well.

Beauty, brains, body ... and the right attitude. What more can you ask for? However, I do need to say this: "Lord, if you really cannot make me thin, please make these 3 gorgeous ladies FAT."

Thank you Lord. LOL!

I choose my attitude.

One thing I realized as I pondered about my life is that everything is a choice. Seriously. When we get upset, when we go pyscho, when we become negative, and when we are downright pessimistic, its because we choose to be one.

Same goes for when we are happy, we are perky, cheerful, positive, and the like, its because we choose to be one as well. It's always a choice. When we say I have no choice, that already is us choosing to believe that we do not have a choice.

So from this day on, I will make a conscious effort to choose my attitude. I know its going to be hard ... I know it's going to take a lot of effort ... but I can do this. I choose to do this.

So help me God.

seek and you shall find

I can honestly say that I have been seeking God in my life for the last 12 years or so. I've been seeking but doing a really awful job of maintaining it. I've been Liturgcal Head, a La Sallian brother, a facilitator in recollections, reader of the Angelus during lunchtime, and I was even co-creator to a website whose main goal was to inform everyone that:

"Christian life was never meant to be boring ..."

I've been "sober" from being suicidal for the last 9 years. My last attempt was when I was 21 and I haven't done anything remotely resembling that in the last 9 years. Even when my world fell apart and I had nowhere to go, it was not an option anymore for me. Yes, I think it, but I do not act on those thoughts. My friends and I'd like to believe that Jesus stops me whenever I go off the deep end.

I met someone recently and I envy her. I know envy is a bad thing but she seems so calm, so at peace. I want that peace. I want to be able to trust people and not think bad thoughts. I want to be able to look at someone and compliment them. I want to be a ray of sunshine rather than be the gloom and doom. I want to be better, not bitter.

I want to be loved, and to love. I do not want to hate anymore. I want to stop hating. I need to stop hating. She told me "seek and you shall find" and I have been seeking and finding but I lose it soon as I find it. How do I maintain it? How do I keep hold of the positivity and the peace that seems to forever elude me?

How do I find me?

sunday mornings are made of these ...

This is how I spent my Sunday morning ... in the blistering heat ... taking pictures of my son and lil sister and honing my photography skills ... you can check it here. Let me know what you think bdw.

SPH # 27: Half

still holding on after 20 months

he is my half ... the one who completes me ...

J is someone who inspires me to be a better person ... to be a better me. He will always be the half to my whole and the yin to my yang.

thank god its Friday!

quick, fun 50 minute date with J
meeting Joel, Laine's better half

feel ko lang ...

I like this shot!

B showing off his manly toys. LOL!

Thank GOD it's Friday ... have a great weekend!