2014 in review

One of the things I promised myself for the year 2014 was to overcome my fears especially of trying out new things and heights. I've always been the kind of person to step away from adventures and the one who closes her eyes when the bus passes an overpass.

Yep, I'm that scared of heights.

Well, this year I was able to do just that. I did the flying trapeze, zip line, survived the Amazing Race in Subic where I had to swim, moved from one tree to another using only ropes and flimsy boards, and also wall climb. I also learned how to make fire with my bare hands and I've eaten a live worm as well as frozen locusts and earthworm brownies.

It's been a crazy ride for me as well when it comes to love. I've gotten over the funny man and fallen into like with the dancer but then I got over him faster than you can say move on so I'm back to being on my own and honestly, I have no plans of falling in love this 2015.

Career wise, 2014 saw the start of MsKathyKenny, my social media marketing business. Oh wow, I actually called it a business. I started doing social media management and events last April and have been lucky enough to always get new clients when the old one ends. Its been one heck of a ride and its been scary and exhilarating all at the same time. I pray that I actually become a lot better at this for my own clients and that I manage to expand the business into something more.

This year also saw me having 12 TV appearances which started with Rise and Shine of UNTV, followede by KrisTV, Good Morning Kuya, Poptalk, and Philippines Uncut. I also had a radio guesting and small clips on TV Patrol, Unang Hirit, and even ETC. It's been a whirlwind and I have met so many awesome people and learned so much from all of them.

I've also been very lucky to have shared a lot of moments with my family, thanks to my blog. Sandbox in Alviera will always hold a spot because I was able to enjoy the day with my siblings and son. It was a great bonding moment for us and I will always be thankful for this. Heck, we even got to ride the ATV for free so many times.

I was also able to bring my Mom to some concerts and to dine at nice places; all thanks to my writing. I was also able to watch THE Lea Salonga perform songs from Wicked, Les Miserables, and CATS. I can say that in my blogging career, this would be one of the highlights.

My son has also fallen in love with the theater and I am deeply happy about this. He enjoyed the ballet and has started looking forward to watching more musicals and straight plays. I hope that I will be able to nurture his love for the theater as well as his appreciation for it.

I also met some awesome people who have become really good friends. I hope I get to keep them around for life. I lost a few as well but to them I say, good riddance to bad rubbish. 

Unfortunately, with the good came the sad parts and this year saw me saying goodbye to 3 people that I love as well as a pet. My Lolo passed away and joined my Lola, Andre joined Mark, and Tita Liza finally succumbed to her heart ailment. My pet Yin also went to cat heaven. I miss all of them badly.

My son has become a little boy who is no longer clingy and dependent on Mommy. It breaks my heart but at the same time I am very, very happy that he has grown his own personality. I just pray that he will grow up to be a God fearing man and that he will not break hearts along the way.

My family and I are stronger than ever and this is definitely one of the biggest and best blessings of the year.  Overall, 2014 has been a pretty awesome year. Thank you God. I'm ready for 2015. :)

Good Morning Kuya

It seems that 2014 was not yet done with me. I had one more guesting with UNTV and this time around, it was with Good Morning Kuya to discuss the role of social media on businesses. I always enjoy guesting on this show because they make the guests feel welcome and they take really good care of their guests.

After I guested, I received an email inquiring about my services from someone who actually watched the episode. It's one of the most amazing things that has happened from a guesting of mine on UNTV.

Thank you UNTV for always keeping your doors open to me and for opening doors for me. :)

B's OOTD attempt

So my son got ready to go out today with his Lola and I realized, he really is a boy now. He's all grown up and though it breaks my heart that he is no longer a little baby, I am so proud of how he is turning out to be.

Here's a peek at how big my little boy is now.

He's gonna be a heartthrob.

sailor guy

I was recently asked by someone to go sailing. Now trust me when I say that sailing is something that I never thought I would do. The fact that I can't swim well is a huge factor I suppose. However, since I did say that I wanted to be more adventurous this 2014, I said yes.

When we got to the Taal Yacht Club in Talisay, I was blown away by how tranquil the place was. It was just the ocean and so many trees. I also got a really close up view of the crater of the Taal Volcano and that was pretty awesome.

So the place was pretty awesome and the guy was pretty okay except for the part that he went all big bang theory on me after I mentioned that I liked smart guys. I felt dumb and I realized I didn't like feeling dumb. I didn't know if he was trying to impress me too much by talking about the theory of how the single cell formed. It was too much smart talk for a first date. 

We didn't end up sailing because the winds were too strong. I was initially disappointed but after an hour or two of talking to sailor guy, I realized that I was very grateful. It would have been hard navigating the sailboat on my own after I throw  him off off it for being pretty self absorbed and thinking he was smart simply because he could discuss how infinitesimal the possibility of the human race as being the only species alive in the entire galaxy. 

So there ... guess that sail is sailing away without me ... very far away.

the perfect me

Every girl has dream of being with Mr. Perfect. When I was young, I remember saying that I wanted to meet Mr. Perfect and I knew that if I did, we'd have a perfect life and everything would be perfect. Or so I thought.

I've been watching Sex and the City recently and something Carrie said about dating Mr. Big got to me. You see, I had a Mr. Big in my life before. He was gorgeous, tall, had his own business, and was very smart. He was PERFECT.

Unfortunately, I wasn't.

I was your typical girl. I laugh too much, at times too loudly. I trip. I had no poise. I made mistakes. He didn't. He was just always perfect.

It was disgruntling.

I felt like I was never good enough for him. I ate too much, I ate too little, I laughed too much or not at all. I just didn't know how to be me anymore with him. I felt like I had to be on my toes all the time. If you have ever heard the phrase "walking on eggshells," that was what I did for the 4 months that I dated this guy.

Eventually I realized that dating Mr. Perfect was not for me. It's not for any girl. We need to be with someone who can see our flaws and accept it as it is. Yes, they can help us improve and be better but they need to accept that we have flaws.

I needed someone whom I can be myself with. I needed someone who was okay that I laugh like crazy when I find something funny. I needed someone who was okay with me crying over sappy commercials or movies. I needed someone who was okay having his hand grabbed and squeezed to death when we watch a horror movie. I needed someone who can be okay that sometimes I go crazy. I couldn't be perfect all the time. Heck, I just wasn't perfect and I had to accept that I need to find someone who was okay with it.

When I broke up with him, it wasn't so perfect though. He got all kinds of cuckoo and started stalking me. I guess there is no perfect guy in reality so it was okay that there was no perfect me.

just friends

I made his birthday pretty special. I really wanted it to be because in a way, I know that this will be the only birthday of his that we will spend together. I guess I wanted to leave a good memory. I want him to remember his 34th birthday with a smile and I guess I did base on the messages he sent me.

I'm glad I accomplished my mission of making his birthday a good one but at the same time, reading this messages, I feel very sad because I know that from this point onwards, he and I would have to drift apart and move on with our lives, away from each other.

He doesn't know this. I didn't tell him. What I just told him was that I was giving up on him, that I accept that he does not feel the same way towards me. I didn't tell him the details anymore because its not like it matters.

He didn't even acknowledge it. It was like that statement flew over his head like a cockatoo taking flight. I don't think anyone has ever really seen one take flight so it was like it never happened.

He also doesn't read my blog so its pretty safe to write about him and all that I feel. Right now, I feel so depressed and I really wanna talk to him but he's with someone on a date and because I'm an awesome friend, I said that I wouldn't bother him. He didn't even say anything to that. Seenzoned.

He's with some girl right now and I feel jealous. I shouldn't. I have no right. I have absolutely no right but I can't help the way that I feel. I want to but I know that as long as he remains a constant in my life, I wouldn't be able to fix this problem that I have of feeling a certain way about him. I'm stupid that way.

The other times I pushed him away and he got so mad, I was also jealous. He doesn't know that as well. I never told him. I don't know if I ever will.

Friends who know about how I feel for him has told me that I need to stay away. It's the only way I'd heal and move on. I thought I could be a friend and kill the feelings. The fact that I just shed tears at the thought of him with a girl is proof that I am wrong.

So twerp, I hope that I really did make your birthday special. Its the best memory I can give you. For now, I need to heal and I can't do that with you around. It's a good thing its the Holidays and you'll be very busy with your friends and family. I'm pretty sure you won't remember me.  It's also a good thing that you don't read my posts. Since you're quite dense, I know that when I always tell you I'm busy with work, you won't think anything of it.

After all, its not like I matter that way right? I don't and I never will.

this dance

We met
and danced
to the same song
but different beats.
Mine was too fast
Yours too slow.
Never connecting
Never going at the same time.
Round and round
In circles we go
Until I gave up
And watched from the shadows.

We met
and danced
But we never danced at all.

fix you

Every single one of us has at point or another fallen for someone broken. We can't help it. We believe that we can sort them out and make them whole when in reality, only they themselves can do it.

You cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

I met him and I noticed that he was very protective of himself. He wasn't touchy and he pretty much kept to himself. I wondered to myself, "what happened to you? Why are you so scared to let people in?"

I wanted to help him. I wanted to make him whole. I wanted to be the girl that would do all these and more. I wanted to love him, support him, be there for him, and be the girl he's always dreamed of. I wanted to be the one.

I forgot one thing though. I forgot to ask him if he wanted me to be that girl ... and he didn't.

I told him that I think I was falling in love with him and he said that he will always be in my life forever, as a friend.

He's an awesome guy. He's smart and funny. He has ambition and he says what is on his mind. He calls things as it is. I like that about him. I also like how vulnerable he is and I guess that's what made me fall.

However, its not me he wants.

I cried over this. I got jealous of the girl he liked and I hated that he lets himself be played and used simply because he finds her attractive and like her. He says he can't control how he feels and I get that. It's just the same way that I can't seem to control how I feel.

Still, I believe that you can. Right now, I'm slowly disassociating myself from him. Sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed.

I want to keep him as a friend. He's definitely a keeper but I also know that I need to distance myself a little bit from him so that I can put him back in the friendzone. Right now, he is more than that but I need to realize and accept that friends is all we'd ever be.

Truth be told, FM and I have better chances of getting back together and that's nearly impossible than this guy and I of getting together ever will.

So there ... I wanted to fix him badly and make him feel what its like to be loved and accepted for what he really is. I wanted to show him that you can be in a relationship with someone who will not cheat on you, support you in everything, and simply love you for you, flaws and all. I wanted to remind him that relationships are good and that to be in love with someone who is equally in love with you and want whats best for you is the best feeling in this world.

But he doesn't want me and I just have to accept that.

rambings of a broken heart

It's one of those nights. You come home and though you feel tired, your mind is so wide awake it feels like Maria's singing The Sound of Music on repeat and try as you might to kick her off the darn mountain, she just won't so you succumb to the way your mind is and just try to sort out your thoughts but you find that everything is just in shambles.

This is how my mind is. This is how I am right now.

I'm currently listening to my playlist called "moving on" and it soothes me. It reminds me that I can move on from loving the wrong person and that in time I will be okay.

I saw him today. I had an event nearby his workplace and I didn't know it until he asked if I wanted him to visit me. Crazy that I am I said yes and there he was, standing right before me within minutes. He hugged me and I hugged him. It felt like I was in heaven. However, a few minutes later and it felt like I was in hell because I see him checking out girls around us. Gone is the guy that used to simply focus on me to the point that he didn't even notice that it was raining outside. Now it seems every girl simply catches his fancy.

Why was I not enough? I'm pretty okay. I'm not gorgeous but you wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with me. I'm not thin but I'm not obese either. I'm pretty smart and I can carry a conversation. I'm someone you could present to your family and get a high chance of an approval. Why was I not enough?

I do a good front of being okay and being fine but sometimes, I just want to sit down on a pavement and cry like a baby. I think I've earned that after having my heart broken over and over again.

False promises, empty promises, friendzoned, men giving up, men not being able to fight for me, and men who simply used me or made me decor ... its a crazy cycle and its tiring.

Why do people do it? Why do they go back to this crazy cycle and keep repeating the entire getting to know you-falling in love-fighting-falling out of love craziness?

Why did he message me everyday for 3 months? Why did he cook for me? Why does he care about me so much yet not feel that way about me? Why?

I don't make sense no? I'm rambling and I don't even know who I am talking to. I think its why I'm rambling to you. I choose to ramble here rather than let him know how affected I am about all of these. I am. I don't want to be but I am.

He wants to be my friend. I don't know if I can be. I want to be but as long as I see him as more than a friend, I don't know if I can be a friend.

Sometimes I feel like I'm starring in a romantic comedy but somehow, I always miss the final scene when the two stars end up with each other and I just go straight to a loop of the entire process. I get the getting to know you and the sweet moments, the fight and then poof .... I go back to the first part with a new co-star.

When will I have my happy ending? Will there ever be one for me?

Grateful # 8

I've been obsessing about moments in the last 3 days and so I decided to merge it here in one posts. I will write about the moments that I am grateful for so that I can be constantly reminded that life is beautiful.

1. when my son was born ... I learned what unconditional love was about ... I know that even if for any reason he stops loving me, I will continue to love him no matter what

2. falling in love ... every moment that I fell in love has been beautiful. Realizing that I have the capacity to love and love again and again no matter how much I have been hurt is something that I am proud of. It means I have so much love to give that I can still do it even when other people won't anymore.

3. time with my family ... they make me insane at times but I will never change a single one of them. Okay, maybe I'll make them dote on me more but aside from that, its all good. I love my family. I am blessed to have them.

4. time with friends .... they are the ones who comfort me when things go crazy and I can't tell my family because things are crazy. They are the ones who wipe away my tears and make sure that I am able to stand again on my own two feet.

5. romantic moments ... I don't have as many as other girls would have but I am grateful for the few that I can remember and that I experienced.

     - - - the first time I received flowers and realized it was for me. It was a pretty amazing feeling.
     - - - having someone say I love you to you and believing them, believing that it was real
     - - - the first time someone serenaded me, he sang "I Believe in Dreams" and played the guitar
     - - - the first time someone hugs you, holds your hand, and kisses you ... always a great moment
     - - - a first kiss where someone used that famous line from Romeo and Juliet about hands touching
     - - - the first time someone who is not into hugging says he wants to hug you

6. moments that broke my heart ... I know that during the time my heart was broken, it did not bode well but now I know that its just to make me a stronger person and I shouldn't let it stop me from loving again. Of course the guy has to be worth it.

7. small and ordinary moments that most people take for granted
  
     - - - small talks
     - - - coffee time
     - - - singing or dancing with friends

Fact is, I'm just happy to be alive and to experience all these things and more. Today, I'm grateful that I am still alive.

Dear Stefan

You and I, we're friends. We chat, talk, and make fun of each other. You think I'm kind of stuck up and overconfident and as you said, you'll humble me and take me down a notch. I think you're funny and very smart but sometimes, you can be a twerp and you can be silly.

As with Caroline and Stefan, I started falling for you. You made me laugh and even when I'm feeling down, you managed to make me smile. Heck, you even cooked for me and that was just plain awesome.

However, as with Caroline and Stefan, you just see me as a friend. You think I'm amazing but you just don't feel that way and it hurt. Of course it hurt. Falling in love with someone who sees you just as a friend hurts.

Still, I am glad to have you in my life. I wouldn't change it for anything in this world and if I can only keep you as a friend, then I'm fine with it. As you said, at least I get to have you for the rest of my life. :) I'm holding you on to that.

an ode to PB&J

We just recently met, you and I, but the attraction that I felt was too much to resist. The first time I had a taste, I wondered where you had been all my life. I wanted more but stopped myself. I didn't want to look so needy.

The next time I had you, I felt like I was in heaven and everything made sense. You were just so good ... so right. It felt like it was a match made in heaven, you and I. It was just perfect. You are such a tiny thing yet you fill me up. I love it.

The best part about this whole thing is that I get to keep you for the rest of my life. You will never break my heart and it seems if I have you in moderation, you can actually be a part of all the changes that I will be doing. I'm so glad to finally meet you. I promise that we will never part. Ever.

You and I, we make sense. This makes sense.

B's 1st Communion

Today, despite the threat of heavy rains, my son's first communion pushed through. I was there of course and the happiness on my son's face proved that I was right where I needed to be.

I've never had my first communion because I did not go to a Catholic school. However, I loved the solemnity of the service and how it teaches kids more about God and seeking forgiveness. I love that they teach that to little children but I loved how my son soaked it all up even more.

B is just so open to things. He accepts the word of the Lord and everything the adults in school teaches him like a sponge soaking it all in. It makes me marvel where he got this trusting thing from and then I realize, he got it from me. I was like that before people hurt me too much and I stopped trusting easily.

I hope he doesn't lose that the way I did.

I'm just really happy that I was there for my son's communion. I hope that I don't miss out on all the important moments in his life.

life is about moments ...

When your life is threatened to be cut short at any moment, it makes you think of what really matters in life. It makes you reflect on what you are doing and why you should continue it or simply stop.

It makes you ponder.

So just in case my life is cut short I wanna be able to say this ...

My Mom ... you are the most beautiful person on this planet. You are my rock, my anchor, my reason for wanting to be strong and being strong even when I am not. You are the most resilient person I have ever seen in my life and you are simply amazing. You are one of a kind and the way you love someone astounds me and scares me at the same time because you just love, love, and love even when the person does not deserve it. I love you is not enough to say the love I feel for you.

Ate ... you and I, we have always been at odds with each other and we have spent a lot of time bickering but I know this and I hope that you know this. I will die and kill for you. I will always be here for you no matter what and I will always love you no matter what.

Karl ... you will always be my little brother no matter how macho you are now. You will always be the boy who cried because you broke some girls heart and you felt bad about it. I was so proud of you at that moment because it showed that you are a good man. I hope that never changes. I love you.

Kirk ... you will always be my plucky little brother. You will always be the boy who called me to say that you did something bad and if you were a bad person for doing it. I was so proud of you because even when the person you did that to deserved it, you still felt bad about it. Don't change that. I love you.

Kianna ... you will always be my 2nd baby. Yes, you are my 2nd baby. You are the little older sister that I was lucky to have. You were so mature and so understanding when I broke down from a heart break. You held me when I am the one who supposedly should be doing that. Sometimes, I believe that it is actually you who should be the Achi and not me. I hope you continue to learn from my mistakes so that you won't ever have to make them. However, if you do make a mistake, learn from me that you will be okay ... it will be okay. Never give up. Never. I love you Shobe.
 
Allan ... you are my best friend. You are the one person outside my family who has accepted me fully, crazy and all. You have seen my horrible side, lived through my crazy and still end the day with, "you okay Kens?" We do not always talk but I know you are there when I need you. You will never turn your back on me and I am so deeply grateful for that. I love you. I love you Allan. You are the best boy friend that any girl can ever have.

Sherlyn ... I'm just super happy that you seem to finally have found the one. I hope he takes care of you the way you deserve to be taken cared of. You were there for me when we were kids and I will always be thankful for that.

Jacqueline ... my sweet Jacqueline ... I hope you learn to fight for your happiness and claim it. You deserve to be happy my dear. You deserve it.

Vida ... you have helped me grow up from the spoiled brat of a girl that I was that you initially met in the office to being, as you say, a mature strong woman. You have been my cheerleader, always reminding me of how far I have come and how far I can still go. I love you. You are my older sister from another mother.

 FM ... you were the one. I'm sorry I hurt you. I hope you know that I am truly sorry for hurting you and losing what we had. I hope you find that one woman you need and deserve in life. I will always love you.

E ... thank you. You know what I'm thankful for. We have known each other for only a short time but you have become such a significant person in my life. You matter to me and I know that I matter to you as well. Remember what I said okay? You are an amazing person. You deserve someone who will be more than satisfied with you, accept you, and love you with all their heart. Find that person and never settle for anything less.

Bez ... you will always be the first person outside my family who tried to protect me from a guy who tried to break my heart.  I love you.

Monica ... I have learned so much from you. You are still young but you have so much to share. Your positivity is contagious. Never lose that.

Most importantly, my son.

You are the reason why I am still surviving despite the many tragedies that I have gone through. You are the reason why I never give up but if time comes that I won't be here anymore, please remember that whatever happens in your life, you will survive it. You will as long as  you don't give up. Persevere and make things happen. I love you so much baby. To me, you will always be my baby.

To my friends who I am not able to mention anymore ...  I'm just really grateful that my life has been filled with moments that took my breath away. Some of them good, some of them bad but all of them, has made me who I am and I hope that if I should  leave sooner than expected, I have been part of the moments that took your breath away as well.

Cheers to life.

I'll kill you ...

Dear Heart,

Seriously, you are the most stupid heart on Earth. The magnitude of stupidity that you are capable of astounds even me. I thought that FM was the highlight of your stupidity but no, you just had to go and one up that and break yourself all over again.

He doesn't like you that way. Deal with it. He doesn't like you and it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. The fact is, he doesn't like you and you cannot do anything to change that.

Well you can. You can step away and be away from this person. Being around this person is not going to help you in any way whatsoever. He doesn't like you.

He cares for you but as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Well, possibly less but definitely nothing more. Get over it.

I know its hard. It's always been hard for you to move on when you like someone. You need to though. You have to. We have been over this again and again Kenny. You have to. God, you know you have to.

Stop hurting yourself over someone who doesn't even know you like him. So please stop.

The next time you fall in love,  I will kill you. You deserve it. You deserve it because you just never learn do you? You just don't.

Your brain