Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Izmet and Josephine's wedding

Sunday night, I went to Sofitel Hotel to attend the wedding of a high school classmate. I decided to go because she invited me and I was touched that she even remembered me. As with any wedding, it was full of love and you can just feel the happiness in the couple.

My date for the night was my sister because GO couldn't make it. It was her first time to be at Sofitel and to go around the place and I knew that she enjoyed it  because at the end of the night, she thanked me for bringing her there. I'm glad that she was my date.

Monday, May 30, 2011

6th meet up of the SB group

Last Monday, the group met up again and this time, we had Miss Claudine as our  special guest. She flew all the way from China and as always, the group had a lot of fun.

To be honest, I wasn't that into it at the beginning of the meet up. I'm not sure if it was because of the heartache I had over the weekend. Maybe it was that, maybe it was something else. What I do know is that this night ended in a pretty special way; one that I am not yet ready to talk about.

Maybe it will be a new entry to my love stories tag ... maybe it will just stay in my mind.

For now, here are the photos of the meet up.

with GO ... yep ... him again LOL

with Rain ... he's my BIG BROTHER in the group

with some of my favorite people in the group

with GO and Claudine

the  exchanging of SB Cards


Sunday, May 29, 2011

twistato madness

My sister, B and I had some fun earlier today with potatoes ... twistato that is. I think we looked mad no? Hahahaha.

Twas a fun morning.

answered prayer

Last night I prayed
Today it was answered
I received what was due
My heart broken in two.

Jesus Christ Superstar

Saturday did not start out so well for me. A broken heart is never a good way to start the day but I digress. It  rained almost half the day and I felt lousy and lazy. I was supposed to meet my friend Mike but I didn't go through with it. I was just not in the mood to go out. I was supposed to watch a play with Chris but I also canceled on him.

Throughout the day, I got different invitations from different people to go elsewhere and I was so tempted. Then I remembered that I promised a friend of mine, Kevin, that I would support him on his stage play. I said to myself that if it stops raining by 5pm, I would go. 430pm and the rain stops. I sent a text to Chris and told him that it was a go.

The play itself which was done as a culminating activity by adult work-shoppers was a disaster. The Judas guy garbles his words and screams. He does not sing. He attempts but he fails miserably. The Jesus guy ... it may be blasphemous but it was the first time in my life that I saw Jesus as emo, egoistic, irrational, selfish, and self centered. He, too, cannot sing.

The highlight of the play was thankfully, Kevin. He played King Herod and he played it to the hilt. He was funny and IMO, he stole the show. He was in his element and in his character the whole time even when he was just standing in the corner. It was good to see someone who was in his element and who felt real passion for the theater.

He's the orange guy.

And here is my friend Chris who kept me company and with whom I exchanged a lot of verbal diarrhea with. Hahahaha.

us during intermission, extremely bored hahahaha

and the best photo of the night ...

chicken burger rocked!
Do I regret watching? Nope. Though it was not great, it was worth it because of Chris and because of Kevin ... both guys my good friends. :)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

if you really knew me ...

If you really knew me
You would not think the thoughts you have
You would not form the opinion you have of me
You would not say the words you have said.

If you really knew me
You would not turn your back away
You would not push me aside
You would not just ignore me.

If you really knew me
You would know how easily I hurt
You would know that I cry easily
You would know that you shouldn't hurt me.

If you really knew me
But you don't.

the kitkat experiment ...

Last night, before I went to sleep, I uttered a prayer. I said to God, if he was for me, to make him mine already  .... and if he wasn't ... to take him out of my life. It was a sincere prayer on my part. This morning, I got my answer.

A girl messaged me asking about him. It seems he has been flirting with her and had asked to take her out. What a way to start my morning right? Amidst the tears that fell, I realized, God gave me my answer to the prayer I uttered.

If you have been reading my blog for some time now, you would know that I fell in love with someone who didn't love me back. No, he did not play me. He did not take advantage of me. He just broke my heart. Maybe he didn't mean to but he did nonetheless.

It was a mistake right from the very start. He  wasn't ready, I wasn't ready and yet we continued. Unfortunately, when I fell ... no one caught me. He knew I was falling but he chose to let me fall off the edge of the cliff and left me splattered on the ground.

And so today ends the kitkat experiment. Today, I need to let go of these memories I have of him ... of the hopes that I had ... of the dreams ... of the belief. Our story started here ... and today it ends. It has to.

I've had enough. If he had cared about how I felt, maybe I could have held on.

And so it ends ... not because I don't love him anymore ...

But because he doesn't care ... if he did, he never showed it and love that is not shown is worth nothing.

I need to love me more.

Friday, May 27, 2011

one of the boys ...

I used to be a tomboy. I used to dress up in loose pants, a t-shirt, and sneakers. I used to hate having to comb my hair so I would always put it in a ponytail and I used to be able to beat guys in running matches whenever we play tag. When I got into college and found a place to hang out at, I was once again one of the boys.

The seniors would treat me like a little kid and talk about things that they wouldn't dare talk about in front of other girls but felt they could do so with me. I was just another guy. They'd punch me lightly on the arm and greet me in that male kind of way where they have some hand movements.

Years later, they finally realized that I was a girl and that maybe, I was worth dating. At first, it was flattering. It was a bit of boost to the ego to have them so interested in me. They would wine and dine me, make me laugh, send me flowers, woo me, and do what they can to get my attention. I felt desired.

Years again later, I got tired of it. Seriously. So I ended my serial dating spree and started my quest to becoming one of the boys once again. Last week, I hanged out with Chris. Earlier tonight, I hanged out with Jayson.

What I liked about both men? They were not into me. Yep. They were so not into me.

It was refreshing. It was SO refreshing. I was just me. I was bitchy and funny and crazy. I didn't really fix myself up. I didn't worry if I sounded cuckoo or what. I was just me. I didn't dress up nor worry that the person I was with would turn out to be some maniac. It felt good you know. It felt good to just sit back, relax, talk, and just be.

This is me. I am, and always will be, one of the boys.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

just another sandpaper ...

You may hurt me, scratch me, wound me, and break me even ... but you will never keep me down. I will always get back up, stand up, and fight for what I believe in. You can't put a good person down and I am a good person.

I may not be perfect but then again who is? Right now, I hurt and I may be a bit down but I know that I will get back up again.

You can't put me down. I will shine and be polished.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

because I knew you ...

A couple of days ago, I sent a text to someone saying that I was dedicating the song "For Good" from Wicked to him. I said that since I met him, I have actually become a better person.  I didn't get a response or acknowledgement.

I was kinda impressed with how positive he was when we met. He would always challenge me by saying, "what else can you improve on yourself?" He would not accept that I was made this way and would always counter that until we have air to breathe, there is room for improvement.

These days, I find myself able to handle mishaps better. Where before I would get easily upset when my feet gets wet during the rain, now I have learned to not mind it and instead focus on the music on my iPOD. Where before I would wallow in misery and self pity for weeks and months, now I am able to do it in 2 days and get out of that funk. Before, it would take a miracle to make me smile at someone I do not know but now, I am more free in giving away my smile and welcoming a new person to the group.

As the song says, I cannot say that I have become a better person overall because I knew him but what I do know is that because I knew him, I have been changed for good.

I just wish that it was the same for him ... but its not ... or if it is ... he's very good in hiding it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I am the boss ...

I feel better now. I just needed to vent last night. Sorry about my "self-pity" mode post.

Monday, May 23, 2011

drained ...

This is not going to be a good post. Trust me. The state of mind I am in right now, the cusses and all the curse words I know are just flying at 120kph speed and it is not about to end. I don't know what happened 3 hours ago to now but it seems any kind of positivity just f*cking flew out the window. I am not positive. Anyone who makes the mistake of going all positive on me right now will seriously get their faces smashed into tiny little pieces.

I hate this. I hate this feeling but I can't stop hating it. I can't stop feeling it. I feel like a dolt, a nincompoop, and a complete fake. I hate it. I hate pretending to be okay, to be strong, to be this and that when sometimes, all I really wanna do is shake someone so hard to make them realize what idiots they are.

I hate this feeling of being fat and I hate that all I have going for me are my pretty face which is not really that pretty and my brains which is not that smart as well. ARGH! I f*cking hate this.

Right now, I just hate me. But of course, when my friends and family would ask me if I'm okay, I'm gonna plaster a big smile on my face and say "yeah I'm great." They don't read this anyway. No one who matters does.

Especially you. I bet you won't even know that I plan to hibernate, soon.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

to SG with love ...

I met him when I was only 19 years old. I am now 30. It has been 11 years since we first met. The story of our first meet up is kinda weird.

I met him through an online forum where he said that he was going to SG for a vacation. He then asked if anyone wanted something from SG. I jokingly said that I wanted a stuff toy from SG. He said he was going to get me one.

I proceeded to forget about it and took it as just another empty promise made by an anonymous person online. Much to my surprise, a month or so after, he messages me and asks me how he can give me the stuff toy and some SG magnets he got me. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement.

He went to my place and I met him downstairs (I lived in a condo.) I was just wearing a tank top and shorts and  he came over, handed me my stuffed doll and magnets then left. We met again a few times after and for a time, he fancied me but it fizzled because we were meant to be just friends.

However, there was one date that we had that was pretty memorable. He was the first person to take me to Starbucks The Fort when it was very new and he was also the first person to take me to Tagaytay Starbucks and watch the Tagaytay sunrise. This all happened in one night. It was pretty memorable because we just really hanged out, chilled, and talked.

These days, he lives in SG and we have made it a point to see each other everytime he visits. Today, we saw each other and tonight, he goes back to SG. He just went here for a week and I'm happy that I was able to make time to see him. He may not be my closest friend but I know he is a friend.

So to you my dear friend, take care of yourself and take care of your heart. I may have put a teeny tiny dent on it when I was younger but know that I will happily smash the face of the girl who will put a big dent on it. You deserve someone to make you happy and I deserve to wear a really nice dress on your wedding to that girl.

Till then ... I shall be your partner in crime in watching cheesy Tagalog movies.

the 11 year old stuff toy ... I still have it.

auracle reading ...

I totally forgot about this already. I asked Zephyr way back in  December to do one on me and I just read it now. Haha. Talk about being forgetful. This was way back early December of last year and my questions were what kind of career should I take and would I ever be happy in a relationship. He asked me to  attach a photo of myself and here is what he posted.

"1. Do you have any choices that you’d like me to go through? At the moment all I see is that generally your current job is fine, and if you want to be happy you should stay in jobs where you spend more time analyzing stuff rather than interfacing directly with people. Though it’s not that you don’t like working with people. It’s more like you prefer quietly working on your own and getting the job done rather than having to keep explaining stuff to the people you work with. If you do have to work with a group though, the smaller the group, the better, preferably not more than 3 or 4 people at a time. So any career that will allow you to do that is fine.

2. You will be happy in a relationship as long your partner gives you a lot of room for you to be yourself. You’re not really a relationship person to begin with, so if your partner invades on your personal space too much it might be a problem. Aside from that, I also think that if you and your partner disagree on something, you would expect him to change the way he thinks to suit you, and not the other way around, which can be an issue at times if you clash on something important. Still, I also see that eventually when the right guy comes along, and he will (in 3 or 4 years or so), you’ll probably be more willing to compromise on stuff that you wouldn’t budge on today." 

It's kinda cool how he got it right. Galing!

just not worth it ...

It's been several months ... I finally saw you again and I deluded myself into thinking that you still feel the same for me ... that you care about me. I made myself believe that the laughter in your eyes were because of me. I made myself see what I wanted to see ... that I was special to you ... still special.

Now ... I feel you pulling away once more and it hurts me. Too much. I can't be hurt again. You can't make me smile like a fool and cry like a broken woman with just a snap of your fingers. I am not a toy.

You still mean everything to me, you're just not worth the fight anymore. I still love you, you're just not worth my tears anymore.
If you were, you wouldn't make me cry and you would fight for me, for us, for this love. Till then ... till that happens ... you're just not worth the fight anymore.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

books and toys

I think my son is starting to be like me. Here are his growing collection of story books. This does not include his educational books.

And here he is with the new McDonalds Happy Meal toys.

He has 6 out of 8 now. He looks happy  no?

1st school shoes

I thought we were going to take forever. I thought I'd have to deal with hours of choosing the right shoes and trying on at least a dozen or so. I was ready. I had my flats which were super comfy and I bought a really small  bag. We had breakfast at home and we were ready. I was in for the long haul.

We trooped to the mall and got down to the business of trying on school shoes. I wanted something comfy and he wanted something spiffy. We saw one and I said to myself, "here we go with the first one." He tried it on and I was ready to hear the words "NO!"

Of course him being my son, he says something completely unexpected. He tells me, "this is it. I like it."

And it was over. The quest for the perfect school shoes was over in less than 10 minutes from the time we set foot in the mall. GAH!

All that prepping and psyching myself was apparently for nothing. LOL. SillyMommy.

dear daddy ...

Father's Day is coming up soon and for the first time in my life, I am truly, truly excited about this. It has been more than a year now since I patched things up with my Dad and I can say that though he is still far from being what I wanted in a Dad (he kinda freezes when I cry and pats me in the back instead of hugging me) we have a better relationship now than what we had in the last 29 years or so.

I missed him. For the last month or so, I wasn't at home on weekends because I had work and I realized last week that I missed hanging out with my Dad. I guess I still am Daddy's girl eventhough I didn't have the opportunity to bond with him when I was a kid. Still, it's never too late right?

I love you Daddy. You will always  be the number one man in my life.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

who would have thought?

this was something my friends would tell me after every break up ... now I know that it is true.

Since I was 19, I have been in a relationship. Last year, May 20th, I broke up with my then almost 2 year boyfriend and cried my heart out to my Mom. Amidst my Mom's desire to strangle me for being stupid, she made me promise to stay single for a year.

I honestly didn't think I could do it but guess what? Today is the 19th of May and in a few hours, it will be the 20th of May. Guess what I do not have? A boyfriend. Guess what I haven't had in a year? Yep, a relationship with a guy.

Who would have thought that dear old me who is perpetually in a relationship with someone would actually be able to manage not getting in one? No one. All my friends are amazed that I was able to do it and so am I.

I am happy though. I realize that my happiness does not rely on a guy and that I can be happy on my own. Admittedly, I am in love with someone but we're not together and I don't know when we will be together or if he will find someone else and I will be left with unrequited love.

Still ... I am happy. I am single and I am happy.

Who would have thought?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

sticky walls ...

Our room has always remained spotless but a trip to Divisoria changed our pristine blue walls from this ...

to this ...

What do you think?