I am what I believe I am ...

I am beautiful

I am loved

I am worthy

I am good

I deserve to be happy.

What do you believe in?

for a while ... to love was all we could do

It's been awhile ... a long while ....

etsoserang palaka (crazy frog)

So I was having this conversation with a friend of mine and we were talking about our paranoia that was severely insane because it had no basis whatsoever except in our freaky minds that was convincing us to go ballistic when we really shouldn't ... He finally realized how crazy we were and as I was rounding up my silliness by telling myself some affirmations, he called me an etsoserang palaka which is really funny except when I try to convert it to English, I fail. An etsoserang palaka is like a woman who tries to convince herself that she's just being stupid and all that but fails miserable but still forges on and makes herself believe. Now turn the woman into a frog but have her do the same thing over and over again.

Do you get it now? I hope so.

So there we were, two pathetic whiny creatures who get the reassurance we need from each other and we just end up laughing coz its really crazy you know. Our better halves are at home, sleeping soundly, totally innocent and we're just paranoid freaks.

Sheesh. We really should slap each other. LOL.

love letters to me

B wrote this for me last night
I made this for me ... to remind me always

and I posted this on J's wall ...

Written letters are still the best way to go ...

taking in calls ...

I haven't taken in calls since 2004 ... that was 6 years ago. The past week, I started taking in calls again for the entire day and at the end of the day, I feel so drained. DRAINED. Seriously drained.

It's amazing how 6 years managed to erase the memory of how tiring it can be to take in at least 70 calls a day. Anyone who says that its an easy job deserves to be shot in the head multiple times.

Yes, you may just be sitting there, airconditioned, and looking relaxed but it is nowhere being relaxed especially when you are minding the customer satisfaction level, your average handle time, the quality people listening in, and just the fact that you could possibly screw up the account. Sheesh. No wonder people feel so burnt out.

So to those who take in calls for a living, I salute you. IT.IS.SO.HARD!

1st dinner party at the new house ...

my Mom with Tita Liza
the table I made for the guests

the guests ...

the pastor and the guests ...

the office and the family room

the sala ...

the dining area ...

the other table setting ...

the coffee table ....

We had guests over last week when we moved in and thank God, the dinner was a success! Food was overflowing and we were able to present the house nicely though it has only been 3 days since we moved when they had dinner over here. Whew!

rediscovering who I am

I have been on the path of self discovery and I think God is on my side since I have been encountering a lot of self empowered women and icons lately.

Yey ME!

I am learning to find out who I am ... in kooky ways too like talking to myself in a notebook (Hello Liz!) and singing epic songs on the epic moments of my life in my head. Harharhar!

Love it! Love me!

the fall that was worth it ...

I was like this for a month but I held on ... a friend of mine asked if I thought that it was worth it to be sad and blue and hold on and I said yes ... and it was. In the end, if it doesn't work out, I'd still think it was worth it for the simple reason that I loved.

If I never take a risk, I will never get hurt; then again, I will never also be happy.

we belong ...

The past month has been a real test to both of us. At first I though that it was a sick, cruel joke when you temporarily dropped out of my world. I felt lost and alone.

My friends were there and B was there for me but I still felt a void within me. I tried to talk myself out of it but it was a failure. This lasted several days.

One day I woke up and realized that maybe, I wasn't the one waiting for you ... maybe you were the one waiting for me to change and be okay so you can go back. This was when I started picking up myself and fixing myself.

It took a lot of effort and patience from my friends since they were the ones cheering me on but I managed to do it. Slowly, I was able to learn more about me ... forgive me ... and love me. I learned to be a better person.

And now ... you are back ... where you belong ... because, we belong.

munimuni # 46

The weekend was spent bonding with B mostly. We listened to music, drew, studied, and talked. We also went to McDonald's where he played for an hour then devoured an entire meal by himself. Seriously.

He looked pretty happy right? He should. Hehe ...

On a side note, things have gotten better with J and that makes me extra happy. I'll post pics soon. 19 months now ... 19 months ... =)

Saturday showdown ...

learning to write ...
bonding time!

bulaga!

Saturday was spent with B ... reading, coloring, writing, and endless patience so he will behave. LOL. It was pretty tiring actually since I also helped with the cooking and packing of stuff ... packed 7 boxes in one afternoon alone. TIRED!

SPH # 24: Vertical (Standing)

After 25 years, Allan and I are still standing together, best of friends. I know that its rare to form friendships like this when you are just snot nosed kids and maintain it well over into your late 20's but we have managed to do it. I'm really grateful that we did.

So here is my entry for VERTICAL ... its a different take on things but I know that we will always be vertical for each other.

To view other Saturday Photo Hunt entries, click here.

breathe ...

Breathe

step back

you are being consumed

It's okay

you can love

don't let it eat you

breathe

inhale

exhale

there you go ...

calm down

breathe

don't panic

there may be a reason

then again

there may be not

do not judge

you have not asked

do not conclude

you might fall off

breathe

you are still whole

eventhough you have shattered

it is okay

you have loved

you may have lost

Breathe

You are alive.

the art of letting go ...

One of the reasons why people get so sentimental, its because memories are the only things that don't change when everything else does. There are things in life that you can't hold on forever, no matter how much you fight for it.

Sometimes, destiny isn't always good. It becomes playful. When you meet someone you learn to love, you think that it was destiny who made your paths cross. But what if making your paths cross is just a part of the game that the playful destiny created? Making you realize that the person you thought that was destined for you wasn't really meant to stay but only destined to make you feel love and leave you when you have already fallen?

It's not easy to state a reason when you decide to leave your love. Some might think its just an excuse ... some might not actually believe ... some might blame you ... some will even get mad at you.

What they don't see is the fact that it hurts you even more to hurt someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt, especially when you can't actually state the reason why you have to leave ...

You can never own something that wasn't yours ... so lets stop gripping on things we expect to last forever ... Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a lie. Everything is transitory. So while you have something in your hand, put in your mind that it is just borrowed so that someday when its gone, it won't take you eternity just to let it go.

When your feelings gets strong for someone, its always wise to stop for a while and give your heart a time to breathe ... a time to use your mind to weigh the situation based on reasons, not on emotion. The saddest thing that can happen is when one falls in love while the other wants nothing more than friendship.

Love can sometimes be magic. There are times that I wish I am limited to certain emotions so that I'll never have to experience pain, never feel betrayed or disappointed and never get my fragile heart broken ... but the same things mean that I'll never know how it feels to love and be loved in return ... the thought of it kind of scares me.

To have heart that is whole but numb or a heart that's broken but real ... someday we'll all look back to those days we learned to love, get hurt, cry and fight. Maybe when that time comes, we'll be laughing at our old dumb selves, realizing how stupid we were to stand up for things we knew weren't really meant for us.

I guess learning takes times and mistakes makes one's journey fun.

Life is what we make it. Love makes the world go round. So lets live, love, and take whatever pain it brings ... though its hard to wait around for seomething I know will never happen ... its harder to stop when I know its everything I've always wanted.

*** lifted from a video of The Art of Letting Go

wishing, hoping, praying, and loving

I am wishing and hoping that the medical results on Thursday will be good and that I will be given a clean bill of health though I seriously doubt it since I failed the stress test like no one else has failed it. Still ... it couldn't hurt to wish and hope right?

This Thursday, I am also praying for Mark. It's been 2 years now Mark ... two years since you left us here and a lot of things has happened. We have drifted apart from your family and as much as I want to check on your sister and your Mom ... I feel that I am no longer in the position to do so. Too much has happened and I feel like the bridge between us and them has burned to the ground and all I can do is look at them from a distance and content myself with it. I miss you so much Mark. I miss hugging you and your silliness. I hope you are happy wherever you are. Watch over me okay? I need an angel from heaven from time to time especially when I'm spiraling downwards. You know how I can be at times.

And this Thursday, I am loving. I am loving.

7 years later ...

and this still brings tears to my eyes ... I actually cried for a minute or two. It's so heartbreaking ...

It is a liberating feeling, finally letting go of something you’ve held
to your heart for so long.
I finally let go of her yesterday, after months of beating around the bush, I finally let go. Not even Atlas felt as good when he handed the world over to Hercules for a bit. A great weight has been taken off of my shoulders and I finally feel like I can move around again, and explore. In fact, I'm thinking of working on a cruise ship next as "the next thing to do to add to my life experiences".
Not that I left the past behind without a tinge of regret. On the contrary, my eyes were blinded by tears going through letters she’d written for me. But for the first time in my life I looked at those letters and remembered good times, and the gut wrenching feeling of wanting to go back in time was merely the tiniest echo of what it had been before. This is new to me. I have made a career out of living in the past, and this is the first time I can look back and just smile. It was a wonderful, magical love that will forever hold a place in my heart. And it comforts me that I could love someone that much, and vice versa. But that’s over now, and life moves on. Now I’m finally moving along with it.

blossoming friendships

@ Krispy Kreme

with Flor

with Laine

The past month has been a rollercoaster of emotions, full of highs and lows. My friends were there to help me out and surprisingly, two new friends made it into my little circle of friends. One is Flor from Petra whom I never thought would be one and the other is Laine from Citi. I am so glad that I have a blossoming friendship with these two ladies. I know that God put both of them in my path for a reason and I know that those reasons are something that I will cherish.

So to you two ladies, you rock! I heart you girls. Thanks for being there ... even when I'm being pathetic. LOL!

the gift of me

A long tunnel
An empty hallway
An unoccupied room
where there was laughter
now there is silence
where there were smiles
now there are tears
where was love
now there is indifference

or so I thought

you did not leave
you just went away
you gave me a gift
which I thought was poison
you gave me, ME

for now
it will be along tunnel
an empty hallway
an unoccupied room
but in time ...

there will be laughter again
there will be smiles
there will be love

for I have finally accepted me.

*** for myself ...

Happy Easter!

They say that today, our sins have been washed and we start anew. I hope that we really all start anew and learn to forgive AND forget for when we do not forget, we really cannot forgive. I've learned this the hard way and so I hope that what happened in the past will stay in the past from now on.

Happy Easter everyone!

SPH # 23: Sweet (Razon's HaloHalo)

I've been hearing a lot about Razon's Halo Halo and how its the best halo halo in town. Today, I was able to finally try it since my brother treated us. The ice is unbelievable. It's so fine that it just melts in your mouth. There are only 6 stuff inside it but its such a great mix coz the taste complement each other.

I think I'm in love with it now. =)

* This is my contribution to SPH Sweet.

I forgive ...

I forgive you ....
for all the pain that you caused me ...
for pushing away the people that love me ...
for being self centered, arrogant, full of pride, and insensitive.

I forgive you ...
for all the tears that I shed ...
for all the broken dreams ...
for all the heartache, headache, stress, and problems you gave me.

I forgive you ...
for all the promises that were shattered
for all the lies that you told
for all the things that you've stolen and made into your own.

I forgive you ...
I have to ...
I want to ...
I've finally learned ...

I forgive you self.
I forgive you.

do you even see me?

Cellophane

Mister Cellophane

Shoulda been my name

Mister Cellophane

'Cause you can look right through me

Walk right by me

And never know I'm there...

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. When you look into my eyes, what do you see?