too little too much

I am too much of everything.
I am
too nice,
too naive,
too bitchy,
too irritating,
too whiny,
too understanding,
too this,
too that.

You may not like.
You may not appreciate.
You may not understand.
You may not accept.
You may not want.

Why I am the way I am
Why I am this
Why I am that
but this is me
and I cannot change.

No.
I won't change.

I will always be
too nice,
too naive,
too bitchy,
too irritating,
too whiny,
too understanding,
too this,
too that.

This is how I am
This is how I am meant to be
This is me.

If you cannot accept this
Then perhaps you cannot accept me.

how to really move on

So some time ago, I wrote about HOW NOT TO MOVE ON AND DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY ... thankfully I have been able to move on from that craziness and lately, people have been asking me how I did it?

How did I move on from the greatest love of my life? How did I recover from crying every single waking moment to the point of being severely exhausted? How did I go from being a silly puppy who was at his beck and call to just not reaching out to him anymore and not even caring when we accidentally saw each other?

Don't worry. This won't be one of those type of lists that makes it seem like moving on is a breezy. This will be the real deal, from someone who has had her heart severely shattered 4x and has had minor breakage from small possibilities and what if's or guys who friendzoned me after making me feel there might have been something (hello Kitkat haha.)

It's a choice actually. Granted that mine took 2 years before I could make the choice to move on but it's a choice. One day, I realized he was just using me and my love for him to make himself feel better and clarity prevailed.

1. WALLOW 

Seriously, just feel the pain. It's not like there's anything you can do and those people who tell you to just move on, don't listen to them. Pain needs to be felt. So cry it out. Do an ugly cry. Wail. Have that moment on the bathroom floor where you just lay naked and cry your heart out. You need this. Hello, you just had your heart broken. You deserve to do some really good walling moments while asking "whyyyyyyyy????"

HOWEVER ...

Give yourself aa realistic timeframe. It doesn't mean that on said deadline you will just feel better. The idea here is, how long do you want to feel miserable over some creature who most likely does not give a care? How long do you want to hold on to that iron that is burning your hand? 3 months? 6 months? 1 year?

Now that you have chosen a timeframe, give a heads up to friends and family so they know how much time to endure and support you in this really weak stage. They may get frustrated but know that it is because they love you and they hurt coz you are letting someone who doesn't love you hurt you. It's a cycle I know. It sucks but you're not the only one hurting. You are the one hurting the most but people who love you are too.

SO WALLOW BUT SET A TIME LIMIT.

2. 5 minutes 

You know how when someone breaks your heart they are all you can think of? It's like there's some psycho that has been let loose in your head who just placed him in all your memories? Heck, even peeing reminds you of him coz there was one time you had to pee so bad but because you guys were talking you held it in. Mundane things but it can drive you crazy. Apparently, this is normal too.

HOWEVER ...

There will be that 5 minutes that he won't creep in your head. Look forward to that. The first time I experienced and realized that I did not think of him for 5 minutes ... that I had 5 minutes all to myself without any thought and memory of him, I wanted to dance on top of the Eiffel Tower. It felt like such an achievement because I realized, I can have my thoughts back to myself, even for just 5 minutes. Baby steps but steps nonetheless and this is really the start of your journey to getting yourself back.

3. Purge / Disassociate 

Okay, if you can't let go of some things then just disassociate. I have a Taj Mahal snowglobe that I really love and now, its just a snowglobe, not a gift from someone who used to matter. The rest, PURGE. Do not throw it away. Donate to the needy or less fortunate. It feels so good to see these things go to someone else. It's like giving back and cleaning yourself of dirt all at the same time. It may be hard because of the memories but it will help a little bit.

Fine, some of the breakables, feel free to break them and think of their face while doing it. It's not ideal but we gotta do whatever we need to do to heal right?

HOWEVER ...

Don't expect to immediately be okay after this. It's a big step but it's not the end of the road.

4. Visit old places with new people 

Ths one works. It's unnerving to go to the places you used to go to because what if he's there with someone new? Bring friends or family. I would recommend against bringing a date because you should not even be dating at this stage. It helps to make new memories in old places and replace the ones you had with someone.

HOWEVER ...

When you do feel ready, visit those places BY YOURSELF. You need to overcome that feeling of being owned. He does not own that place. You should be able to go there on your own without any fear or worries.

5. Remind yourself of your breakup moment 

When you want to call him, text him, message him, Viber, Snapchat, and what not, remind yourself of the moment he said "Sorry  I don't love you anymore" or "No, I don't want to be with you anymore."

YES, it will hurt. This is exactly why you need to remember it because it will be more painful when you call and he's cold as ice or when he seenzones you or does not answer you. Rejection, when done multiple times, will hurt more and more and more until you can just hurt no more. I said wallow in pain, not add more to it. You are not the waves in the ocean that can keep crashing to the shore. You are a person.

HOWEVER ...

Know that one day, there will come a time you will be thankful for that break up moment. You will realize that it was necessary. Not now though. Right now, it is just painful so again, wallo but set a time. You can't keep holding a burning iron in your hand. Eventually, it will disintegrate your hand and you still need that hand to create wonderful things for yourself and the people around you.

So cry, be miserable, BUT BELIEVE that one day, you will be okay again. YOU WILL BE. BELIEVE.

from 20 to 1000

Early this morning, at around 2am as I was walking to my hotel from whatever place D and I were, I realized that I took a wrong turn. Not just in the path I was taking but in so many things that has happened in the last 1.5 months or so.

The thought was so overwhelming that I ended up stopping on the side of the road, trying to catch my breath. A guy on a motorbike stopped me and this was when I remembered that in Cebu, motorbikes were another means of transportation. I decided to just hop on and initially asked to be taken to my hotel.

Fare was 20 but en route, I felt that I did not want to be on my own and in a hotel room so I told him I'd pay him 100 to take me around the city. He asked where and I said I didn't know ... to just take me wherever he can. When I felt the wind on my face, I realized that I wanted more. I told him I'd pay him 1000 to bring me around anywhere in the city for the next 2 hours.

To say that he was suprrised would be an understatement. He asked me if I was drunk (I was not) and then he asked me if I had a problem (to this I did not say anything.) Was I worried that he could be some psycho preying on idiots like myself? Of course but I thought to myself that God will not let anything happen to me that is not supposed to happen.

We went around the city and on a motorbike, at 2 to 4am, the city just looked really different. It felt different. I saw a different perspective and I saw something that I never knew about my own hometown. As we were cruisin between 60 to 100mph, I would sometimes have a City of Angels moment. It felt so good to not hold on to anything and just feel the wind on your face while going that fast. It felt exhilarating. I have always ondered how it was like and last night, I had a lot of moment to do just that, on a motorbike nonetheless.

Once we hit a bridge, I told the driver that I was gonna scream. This was another thing that I have been wanting to do. If you haven't realized, screaming can feel really good and its a good alternative to letting out your pent up feelings. It's not like you can just scream at home or anywhere in the city. You can but the chances of having someone look at you like you were crazy is very high.

So there we were and soon as we hit this long tunnel, I spread my arms wide and just screamed my head off. I screamed and screamed and screamed and cussed like there was no tomorrow. GOD IT FELT SO GOOD. No, IT FELT AWESOME.

I felt a heaviness leave my heart and I realized that a lot of what I was going through were all self imposed. Too many shoulda, woulda, coulda. Too many unrealistic expectations and false hope. Delusions and believing they are real can be very potent.

After going around the city for 2 hours and realizing that I was literally falling asleep behind the driver, I asked him to bring me back to the hotel. It felt good doing what I did. Perhaps a little reckless but nothing more dangerous than what I have allowed myself to do for the past 1.5 months.

I got in way over my head and now, I need to reset and keep my focus on things. There is an end goal here and emotions are not allowed to be part of it. Emotions should never be allowed to be part of anything. It just messes you up. Always.

I started this journey 15 months ago with only 20 but realized that I have gone over 1000 not realizing it. I need to step back and go back to 20 because 20 was all that was needed. There was a path and I deviated. I just need to go back to the right one and stay on track. I thought I could be myself but like what my Dad would tell me and what my ex would say, no one really wants the real me ... no one can accept the real me except for a few real friends and family. I just need to play my part as needed and then everything would be fine. It was wrong of me to think otherwise.

Marikina Day

Upon waking up today, the first thought that went through my head was, "do I really need to go out?" You see, I was dead tired from all the trekking D and I did yesterday at Cavinti, Laguna. It was the hardest trail I have been to simply because it rained hard and all the "trails" were slippery.

I woke up with severe body pains and the incessant need to just tune out the world but I made promises and I wanted to keep them. Amidst body pain and panic because I was already running late, I headed out and trooped over to Makat to meet friends and haul ourselves to Marikina.

First stop: Karnevore

It's shabby but homey. This was my first impression of the place. I'd have to admit that I lowered my expectations upon seeing it. Perhaps the hype also added to the fear that it may be just another steak house that has been touted as amazing when in reality it's okay at best.

Everyone got Wagyu but I got the T-chops. I guess I didn't want to spend so much on something I have yet to try plus I knew that some of my friends would willingly let me try out their order so I just opted to have the T-Chops. Apparently, I made the right choice.

Karnivore for it's price is pretty good. At less than 500 for a wagyu steak, it was okay. It wasn't amazing but at less than 500 for a steak, come on, you can't expect the level of Melo's right? For the T-Chops, it was actually quite tasty but the meat needed more time to soften. The pesto sauce on top of it did help so make sure you ask for extras. The Wagyu needed more sauce, salt, and pepper which I believe is pretty sad coz I heard or read that a good steak should be good enough to stand on it's own.

Next stop: Rustic Mornings

I really wanted to go to SKOW but felt that my friends would not enjoy the place because they have never seen the movie Some Kind of Wonderful which is where the cafe is based on. It is all about memorabilias and the eternal story of the best friend falling in love with the guy and the guy being oblivious about something awesome that was right in front of him all along. I guess I could relate coz I fell in love with my best friend and a couple of really good friends but got friendzoned. Har har.

Anyway, I loved Rustic Mornings. It is instagrammable which made my friend Jaja really happy. I loved the place coz it reminded me of the garden that I wanted to have. As you all know, I am a true blue Titas of Manila who finds joy in beads and crafts.

I loved how chill this group was. We just talked and had fun. We also ended up taping a short clip of 20 questions where all of us got to ask random questions and answer it. It was a great way to get to know more about them.

This group doesn't know how much I value them. They have no idea about how much their friendship has come to matter. I have friends ... friends who accept me and love me no matter what but they are my elementary friends and high school friends. Come college and during the time I was an employee, I would gather one real friend from every chapter but never a group.

This Batanes group turned TechXLifestyle ... they are the first to get to know me and accept me beyond events and all the glitz. I feel like somehow, I finally belong to a group in this industry, one who accepts me and not because they can get something from me. I don't need to lead in this group. I can just be me and that means a lot to me. I hope they know that.

Maybelline White Superfresh keeps you from looking Hulas

The Philippines is a tropical country. This means that when women wear make up, the chances of looking downtrodden or hulas as it is more popularly known is BIG. No, scratch that. It is inevitable. No matter how you took care of your make up, the weather gets to you and movement results in sweat which ends up with you looking hulas.

Maybelline may just have the solution for you with the new Maybelline White Superfresh powder foundation. Touted as the no-touch up powder foundation that gives you 12 hours fresh, fair, and matte finish keeping you superfresh all day long. What makes this work is that it absorbs 5x more than your ordinary foundation which makes this the best in oil AND sweat control. This also has SPF34+++ and vitamin c to not only protect your skin but also make sure that it stays healthy.

We went out for a day without the Maybelline White Superfresh and this was the end result after walking for just 30 minutes.

When you don't wear the right powder, this is what happens. I walk a bit and I look like I've run a marathon. I hate it. I hate sweating and my face becomes super ugh and eeewww. When people try to greet me with a beso, I cringe coz who wouldn't? No one wants to beso someone gross. When you beso someone, you expect smooth skin, not waterfalls of sweat. The struggle is real friends.

As you can see, sweat glands on overdrive which left me feeling really awful and unprepared for my next meeting. After I cleaned up, I used the Maybelline White Superfresh and ended up looking fresh the rest of the night.

View this post on Instagram

People know that I rarely use face powder and it is because I hate the sticky, heavy feeling but most of all, I hate the whole retouch thing. However, @welovemaybelline #WhiteSuperFresh12 #SuperReady #12HoursFresh actually delivers on their word that I need not retouch for 12 hours and I would still be fresh looking. Egad! I'm always running around so this matters a lot. I need to look fresh even when I have no sleep and to not look hulas at all. Thankfully, since I started trying out this perfect powder foundation, there has been minimal sweat and oil because it absorbs it. Yey me! I can look fresh the whole day. Beso to the max!

A post shared by Kathy Kenny (宝云) (@mskathykenny) on Mar 14, 2017 at 5:35pm PDT

This is really important especially in our line of work because we always need to socialize and kiss other people on the cheek. No one wants to have sweat splattered all over them when they greet you.

If you ever need to ensure that you stay looking and feeling fresh no matter how many times you run around the whole day, Maybelline White Superfresh is the best answer to your woes. Let us know if you used it by posting a similar meme on your social media accounts and use the hashtag #SuperReady #12HoursFresh and tag @welovemaybelline.

destiny

You are my destiny
and I am yours
but we are not destined
to be with one another.

this is D

I met him in Batanes. My first memory of him was when I was walking down the beach, clad in long sleeves, pants, cap, sunnies, and an umbrella when all of a sudden, my umbrella was taken away from me and a guy appeared beside me, all smiles. He then tells me "pa-share!" In my head, I was thinking, "who the heck is this guy?" and I knew that my eyebrows were raised really high because he proceeded to explain why.

It seems that he gets rashes when exposed under the sun so we walked side by side, sharing a tiny umbrella because we both could not be exposed to the sun. We must have looked like a scene from the movies. However, our genre is more about friendship between a guy and a girl rather than a romantic comedy.

This is D. I met him in Batanes last year but it was 2017 that really brought him into my life. January eased him in and February just saw him hurtling forward at break neck speed and embedding him, leaving what I hope would be a permanent space. He basically had no choice. At some point in our paths, it crossed, got entangled and intertwined and has now become fused it can't be unbroken. 

He enables me which is shocking because aside from my Mom, no one really enables me because I am always the enabler in the lives of people around me. However, it seems that he's more observant and has realized that I needed someone who will continue to push me and at times, force me to do things that I would normally say no to. 

He brings me out of my comfort zone and makes me try things I never thought I could do and venture into things that I never would have. He's a lot younger and immature at times but he's wise beyond his years. 

He bullies me but I know that it's out of love though sometimes I think it's also because he gets quite a kick seeing me get mad or frustrated. However, I let him get away with it because I know that he cares for me. He'd probably never admit it but he does. You can't put up with my quirkiness for long periods of time if you don't care for me. Seriously. You'd murder me. Heck, I'd murder me if I didn't know me. 

People think there's something between us and there is ... it's just not romantic or anything more than friendship. He is someone I'd like to keep for the rest of my life. 

He is my coffee buddy though he likes brewed and I am anything but brewed. He is late night conversations that lasts till sunrise. He is the GO to my NOs and he is KEBS to my eternal worries. Maybe because he's quite young and I am nearing my 40s but he is the opposite of a lot of things and yet the same when it comes to opinions on things and love for art. 

This is D. He is not my Prince Charming but he is one of the many knights surrounding me and helping to make me be the Queen that I am meant to be so when my King arrives, we'll be good to go and if he never arrives, so I can reign over my little piece of kingdom.

For now, D will be with me in many adventures because it is most likely the only way I'd even go in one and remind me constantly to just live my life, something that I forget at times because I am too busy playing the many roles that I need to fulfill. This is D and he enables me.

Thanks D. Cheers to a successful partnership, lifetime friendship, and more 6am conversations.

6am convo

PS. You matter and welcome to my crazy world.