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distance and doubts

I've never really been in a long distance relationship. The few attempts I had in the past started when things were still new and very shaky so when we hit a bump, it just disintegrated on its own without even having the chance to fight back.

I had too little faith and too much doubt.

I realized now that when people say "have faith" its actually so much easier to say it than own up to it. Having faith especially when life and love has screwed you over so many times is pretty hard. However, as what people would say ...

It's so hard to control the doubts in my head. Sometimes I think that maybe I would never hear from him again. Sometimes, I think maybe he just wanted out and he just told me that he was leaving the country. Crazy right? Sometimes, I think that maybe I was just someone to toy with and now that he's off to a new adventure, he all but forgot about me.

So many doubts ... but I am going to choose to have more faith. If for any reason this has all been a lie, then I'll just have to go through another cryfest and pick myself up. However, if this were the real thing, then wouldn't it be such a beauty?

If this were the real thing, then every ounce of faith is needed to make this work and I am willing to put in liters and liters of FAITH, not just ounces because I want to make this work.

when you feel like giving up ...

It will be hard. I won't say that it won't be especially if they will be putting you where I feel they would because you're a big man and you are strong. Physically, it will be very tough, probably tougher than anything you have ever experienced. You will be so tired that when you get home, you want nothing else to do but take a shower (you have to!) and crawl into bed. You will be so tired that you will start questioning why you even went there in the first place when you were doing pretty well over here.

It will be frustrating. People around you won't understand the pains you are going through. Your family might not understand what you are going through. As much as I try, I also might not understand fully what you are going through over there. You will be giving it your best but it may feel that your best is not enough.

IT IS. It will just take time for people to fully appreciate and understand things. It will just take a lot of patience and understanding on all sides for clarity to happen. It will just take a lot of love for things to survive.

As cliche as it may sound, it is when it is darkest that the light starts to come out. It is during heavy storms that the strongest tree is tested and proves its worth. It is when things fall apart that things actually really fall into place.

Every single bad thing that will happen or you may encounter will be a blessing in disguise. It will prepare you for better things, for amazingly good things. I know this because the same thing has happened to me. When something bad happens, when I am down in the dumps and I feel like there is absolutely nowhere for me to go to because I am so far gone, it is when the good things start to happen.

Remember this: "when you are on ground zero, there is nowhere to go but up."

You will feel homesick. You will miss the most important persons in your life. You will miss the familiarity of your daily routine. You will miss the smell of the places around you. You will miss even the mundane things. It will hurt so much that you wouldn't know what to do with the pain. It will eat at you.

You need to handle this. You need to learn to handle this in a productive and positive way. You need to accept that it will be awhile before you see the people you love BUT you will see them. You will get to hold them in your arms and tell them you love them. You will get to be with them soon enough.

Do not give up. You have wanted this for a very long time and you finally have it. It is now in the palm of your hands. Do not let go.

Just like with me ... you said that you just used to dream about me; that you dreamt about me way back when you were in high school. You finally have me now and I will be yours as long as you want me to be yours. Do not give up. Do not give up on us or let go. You have wanted this for a very long time and you finally have me. I now belong to you. Do not let go.

When things seem to be falling apart, when everything seems to go wrong, when the ache in your body and in your heart may feel too much ... remember ... you wanted this and you wanted us. DO NOT GIVE UP.

the graduation with Juan Miguel Severo

Last night, I attended a Spoken Word Poetry session with some of my Yawyan F. Alasan friends. I initially thought that I would go by myself since almost none of my friends are into this. Surprisingly, some of the girls in the Yawyan group were apparently also artists at heart and so off we trooped to Manila on a Friday night.

Sevs Cafe looks like an artists haven. It looks like one of those places where you can go and brood, write about betrayal, heartbreak, and pain then stand and announce to the world why you are miserable and everyone will cheer you on because in their own ways, they are equally miserable too. 

Spoken word poetry is something that I have done in the past when I was much younger. It has been years since I have participated in one or watched one and so I was really excited for this night. Poetry when written is powerful but when spoken with the right emotions, it becomes even more than what it already is. Suddenly, the words just take over you and you are swept away in a world where the words you are looking for just appears.

You now have a voice. They are no longer just your words. They become your thoughts and your feelings. They become your emotions and everything that you wanted to shout at to the world but never could because you couldn't find the words to say. Now, you finally have the words. Now you finally have a voice.

Juan Miguel Severo is one of the best spoken word artist that I have ever seen and watched perform. I loved that he had his own style and wasn't just copying or trying to be another Sarah Kay or Phil Kay. Sarah Kay is Sarah Kay. Juan Miguel Severo is Juan Miguel Severo. The powerful way he delivers his thoughts evoke such raw emotions in you. This is what its supposed to be like. Words should have the ability to make you feel ... to remind you of the pain ... to relieve you of it until finally you feel that you can remember the person but no longer the feelings.

There were over a hundred people but everytime the poets open their mouth, it was complete silence. Everyone knew that art is meant to be appreciated in silence.

Battery, abuse, catcalls, one night stands, love lost, love found, love thrown away, Harry Potter, love for one's body, fear, memories, misery, heartbreak, hope, redemption, forgiveness, and most of all, HOPE. Last night was about hope. It was about letting go and believing that there is hope for love, for forgiveness, and for new stories to be written and made.

For me, the most significant part of the night was that though I appreciated all the words about love lost and the pain of it, I could no longer relate to it. This was when I truly knew that I have healed from the pains of the loves that I have lost. This was when I knew that the love I have with my Bear has really changed me for the better.

Thank you Juan Miguel Severo for sharing your passion. I hope that you will never forget to do so.

Last night, I truly graduated from holding on to a past that I knew I should have let go a long time ago.

my name is Tinkerbell

my name is Tinkerbell
I give light to your life
I give you happiness
I give you fairy dust to make you fly.

my name is Tinkerbell
I make you happy when you are blue
I make you laugh when you are sad
I make you dance when you are mad

my name is Tinkerbell
I'm the one you forget she passes by
I'm the one you leave when she calls
And I'm the one you do not love
For you love her, not me.

your smell ...

I held your shirt in my arms
I inhaled your scent and let it wrap around my senses
I smelled your scent
And I am lost again
Lost in the wonder of you.

You smell of hope
Of the walks that I would love to take with you
Of the dreams that we can build together
Of the plans that we can create and make happen.

You smell of pain
Of that walks that we never would take
Of the dreams that has been destroyed before it can even be made
Of the plans we can never create.

You smell of love
Of my heart shattering silently
Of my soul breaking without hesitation
Of my hands mending the broken pieces.

You smell of hope
You smell of paim
You smell of love
But sadly, you will never smell of me.

Woman, fight back

M Manese // 09162014

The first time she made excuses for him, it was because he was late. He’s just stuck in traffic, she said. He’ll get here eventually. The first time she made excuses for him was not the last.

The first time she stayed silent, she had her knuckles in between her teeth, her head throbbing the way her cheeks were. He had too much to drink, she said. He didn’t mean it. He loves me. He said so. But in between the I love you was too much synonyms for stupid. Telling her she never gets anything right, will never get anything right. And like all lies, when repeated enough, starts sounding like truths.

She also learned the hard way that the worst monsters are not the ones in storybooks; but rather, the ones brave enough to look at you straight in the eye, share your bed, kiss your lips and tell you they love you. As if the passion can make the pain go away. As if the words change the fact that you’re a wreck of black and blue. It doesn’t. What helps is fighting back;
 
So woman, learn to fight back. Learn early that venom takes on more than one form, that words hurt just as much as fists does, sometimes even more. But in turn, learn as well that in your vein rests bravery, be not afraid to bleed for your freedom. Your hands are not made of glass even if he is trying to break you. You are of skin and hardwood, be sturdy enough to defend yourself. Woman, fight back. Know that he’s only as powerful as you let him be, and that you are more powerful if you just let yourself see. Woman, fight back. Know his words shouldn’t hold weight enough to bring you down, never make him your world when you’re just another name he won’t remember. Woman, fight back. Make him learn why you will be the one he won’t be able to forget. Turn the tables around, make the ground shake. Woman, fight back. If you ever feel like you can’t breathe anymore when there isn’t even hands around your throat, leave before they even start to approach. Woman, fight back. Make him learn what happens when he ignores the word ‘no’. That you’re capable of making hell manifest from within your eyes if you stare at him long enough. So stare at him long enough. Make him sweat. Make him squirm. Make him regret ever laying a finger on you. Use your claws, leave marks on his flesh. Spin him with your own web, show him real power. Show him what strength really is. Show him ‘woman’. Make him tremble in your presence instead, see how he likes it. Scare him, show him the monster he created in you, make him beg for forgiveness. Give it to him. Astound him with your ability to forgive and be reborn. You are endless, you are alive. Understand that he’s an empty shell of a person, more breakable than you ever were, incapable of kindness. Show him kindness. Leave him. And never apologize for breaking free. Be free. Live again. Love again. Be alive again. And from now on, woman, fight back.

this is love

I have always been one of those girls who would send out quotable quotes to someone I was in a relationship with. When I see something that I think reflects how I feel, I would send a quote or write about it.

Never have I gotten one sent to me until today. When I opened my Viber, this was what greeted me.

I was so amazed. First, I don't even know where you got this from. Second, to feel your appreciation for the way that I love you ... the fact that you realized that this is how I love you is just one of the best feelings in the world.

I'm really happy that you sent me this. I'm glad that you know that I would never hinder you from growing as a person, as a man, and becoming what you are meant to be. I won't cling to you, to do so would be to keep you rooted and like what I always say, you are meant to fly high and soar to the skies to become just like the phoenix on your back ... rising from the ashes ready to become something magnificent.

Soon you will have a new adventure and an entirely new world, one where I will have a small part of. I'm excited for you. I'm excited to have a glimpse of your new world. Though I may not have a big part in it, the fact that I will still have a small one is enough for me now.

I will just be here in my little corner of the world; churning out letters and poetry to share with the world, slowly making a name for myself and wonderfully becoming the woman that I am meant to be. It has taken both of us some time to reach the path we are meant to take but I'm glad that now that we both finally have, we have each other to cheer on the other.

I will be your biggest cheerleader. I will be your most avid supporter. I will be the one person who will smack you in the head should you get out of hand. I will be your inspiration. I will constantly push you up when you're down. I will be there for you. Most importantly, I will just be here waiting for you.

So fly free my Bear and soar high ... I know that I can trust you to come back to me, sit down once again over a cup of coffee, and tell me about all your adventures. Till then ...

a perfect day

It started with you telling me that where we go today didn't matter, all you wanted was for us to spend time together. The tone was set and I knew exactly what we needed to do. I didn't choose it consciously but we re-enacted our first 3 dates. I think we did it without intending to because it was during these 3 dates that our fate started becoming intertwined.

When we got to our first destination for the day, I handed you my gift. The way your eyes lit up when you first used it, it will be embedded in my head. You looked so happy with it. The way you thanked me, I knew you loved it. However, you had a small surprise for me as well. You asked me to listen to a song and while I was listening to it, you were singing to me as well. "You by Basil Valdez." When you were singing it to me, I was falling in love with you all over again. 

We had coffee at Starbucks. There were moments I would talk and talk and you would just be staring at me and I would get this feeling that you're not really listening but simply staring at me. I don't know what you're thinking. Sometimes, I like to think that you're marveling at the fact that we are together or you're happy that you are with me. I really don't know what's going on in your head whenever I catch you simply staring at me. These are the moments that I wish I could read your mind.

We talked. You finally allowed me a look into your life. Yes, a look, not just a glimpse. I felt so happy that I am finally seeing sides of you and I didn't even have to ask. You just shared. It is a wondrous feeling to know that maybe, just maybe, you are starting to let down some of your walls.

We didn't realize it but hours had already passed. We were just sitting there and talking, enjoying the moments between us and the fact that we were together. Nothing fancy just like what you said.

After, we went to our safe place. You asked me to sing you a song and it was "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing." I obliged. I realized at this point that you will miss me, us. I realized that it was affecting you just as much as it was affecting me and you were simply trying to be strong perhaps for both our sake. I hugged you tight and didn't say a word. I hope that through holding you in my arms I was able to comfort you.

Lastly, we went to Mystic Brew. This was where we first had our date. I still remember it clearly. You got lost and when you finally arrived, you were sweatin' and I wasn't impressed. I had no idea that you would make more than an impression in my life.

You handed me a box. You said that this was the gift that you have been wanting to give me. It broke my heart a little because I remember you said that you would only give me this on our last day together before you leave. This was it.

However when I opened it, my heart was swept over with love. You seemed anxious and worried that I wouldn't like it. DINGBAT. How could I not love this? This is the most exquisite gift that I have ever received.

It is simply beautiful. I can't believe that this was your gift for me. I felt special, very special.

My gift of music seemed to have paled in comparison to this but I know that you love your music as well so I hope you'll enjoy your Spotify Premium and earphones just as much as I will enjoy writing using these. It's amazing. We both gifted each other with things that we know the other would enjoy. Guess its that kind of love between the two of us.

And just like that, the night was ending. I still had a surprise for you though. You see, I knew that you wanted to see me perform and I knew I could make it happen so unknown to you, I planned it with friends. Thankfully, they were all artists and romantics so they agreed to help me out.

I had the table where we had our first date reserved. They even put a small vase of flowers to gave it a romantic feel which you just found funny. My silly bear. After dinner, my friend finally arrived and without even talking, he knew that we were to play out a scene where he "pretends" to call me and force me to sing. Unfortunately he gave you a clue when he said that the music was for you because you were leaving.

Singing in front of you was nervewracking. I was so nervous. What if you hated the attention and walked out? What if you didn't like how I sang? What if I open my mouth and nothing comes out or worse, I am severely off key? What if I choke in the middle of singing? Fortunately, none of these happened.

I sang you 3 songs and I could see you giving me that look you give me when you're staring at me when we're talking. I saw the small smile playing on your lips. I saw you clap after every song. Most importantly, I saw that you were happy.

Mission accomplished.

We walked to my house. We did this because when we had our first date, you asked if you could walk me to my house. This time around though, I wanted more time with you and so after we dropped off my things, I asked to go back to your car and have 5 more minutes with you. I almost cried there but was able to stop myself.

When you said "enough. This is going to make it hard for me." I know that I had to stop. I had to stop before I became too emotional. You see, I didn't want to add more burden to the heaviness you must be feeling. Like what I would always say, I love you in the way that I just want you to be happy.

"Till we meet again." This is what we said to each other. No goodbye. It is not goodbye. We will see each other again. No tears. I went down your car and watched you drive away. I promised to myself that I will not cry ... in front of you that is. Soon as your car left my sight, the tears fell. You told me to not cry but I cannot do that.

The love of my life is leaving and it will be months before I see you again and hold you in my arms. It hurts. It hurts so much. However, I promise that I will use the sadness to be more creative, to be better in my work and in my business, and to push me to be a much better person so that when we see each other again, you would be reminded of the woman that you fell in love with albeit a much better version of who I am.

We had a perfect day. The coming months, it won't be perfect but WE ARE WORTH IT. You told me you didn't believe in long distance and so I asked you why you wanted to have one with me and you said, "I felt that what we have, its worth a shot."

I disagree. We are worth more than a shot. WE ARE WORTH IT. 

I love you my Bear. Please stay safe. And remember, CHOOSE US. Your Bella's heart is in your hands. Choose not to break it.

till we meet again ...

I didn't cry. Damn, I was so proud of myself for not shedding a single tear while we were together. I know that you didn't want me to cry for you or us. You told me that before and I made it a point to remember it.

I didn't cry; not until your car disappeared from view that is. Then, I cried. I cried as I walked the few steps to my house and when I kissed my Mom, I cried. I cried and she held me and she said the words that I needed to hear. She said, "maybe it will work out. Have faith."

FAITH.

From this day forward, this relationship of ours will rely on faith and faith alone. I will need to remember that you promised me that you will do what you can do remain faithful and to make this work. I need to believe in your words for it is the only thing that I have from you.

Earlier today I kept saying that I needed to be ready for this to not work and you were also saying the same thing but I realized, WE HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL. We have something that a lot of people only dream of.

Sitting in a coffee shop with you just talking, not realizing hours have already passed ... simply enjoying each other's company and not getting bored ... accepting each others quirks ... not changing each other and letting the other grow, this is something that only a few have in the world and I realized ... I DO NOT WANT TO LET THIS GO.

So instead of saying that we need to be ready to let each other go, I will say this.

My bear, I will not let you give up on us so easily. I refuse to not have faith. I will constantly remind you of how beautiful our love is, how I will never hinder you from growing, and how I will constantly push you to be better. When you are exhausted from working, I will be there to cheer you on and remind you that you can get up the next day with renewed energy. Should you feel that you have nothing to give anymore, I will remind you that it is okay to rest for a little bit and then get up again and face the world.

We will make this work and when you feel like giving up, I will remind you of the good times that we had as well as the bad for the bad made our bond stronger and the good made our love grow more. When you feel like you have no more love to give to me, I will love you for the both of us until you find it in you to give love again.

BECAUSE THIS, what we have, IS WORTH IT. WE ARE WORTH IT.

So today I did not say goodbye and you didn't as well because we know, we both know deep down in our hearts that it is not goodbye ... it will never be for the two of us ...

Till we meet again .... until then, take care of my heart as I take care of yours.

PS: I hope you liked how our day turned out. For me it was absolutely perfect.

what could be our last day together

So this is it ... I am actually waiting for you to pick me up so that we can spend what could be our last day together. I'm not being negative, rather, I am just readying myself for the possiblility that this could very well be our last day together.

You and I, we've never been good with the whole long distance thing in the past. I know that you've had relationships that fizzled out when you no longer saw each other regularly. The same holds for me where I was interested in the guy but they had to leave for a while and it just died.

However, I am more positive with us. I want to believe that we can do it. We can make it ... but in case we don't ... God forbid that we don't ... I wanted to make this day extra special. Like they say, the last hurrah.

So today ... we're going to spend time together. We're going to have coffee and talk, we're going to create memories, and tonight, I have a small surprise for you. Something that I hope you would appreciate because I am doing this out of love. Yesterday when I was practicing with friends and freakin' out, I was asking people why I was doing this and they said, "because you're in love."

They were right. I am in love ... I am in love with you. I hope that you will enjoy this day. I'm going to do my best to not shed any tear. I know you don't want that.

I hope I'll get to keep my promise to not cry. I know I won't be able to.

choose US ... choose LOVE

Hey you ...

I've been wanting to say these things to you but whenever we're together, I can't seem to find the words to say, or speak the words that's in my heart. I guess I'm still wary that you might find what I have to say ludicrous or silly. Truth be told, I find the words that I have to say ludicrous or silly as well.

You see, these words stem from insecurity, fears, a lack of faith, and a hard dose of reality. I've had my heart broken so many times in the past that whereas I used to look at the world with rose colored glasses, I now look at it through broken shards of a mirror.

"I'm leaving on Monday."

I prepared for those words. I mean I didn't know it was going to be on a Monday but I prepared myself to hear the words "I'm leaving." I knew it was going to happen and I even prayed for it to happen because its what you wanted and I want what you want. I told myself I was going to light up like a CareBear and smile and say "I'm so happy for you" then hug you real tight. I played it over and over again in my head. It was absolutely perfect. This was how I envisioned it happening in my head.

This was not what happened.

You said you were leaving and all I could do was stare at you. I heard the words but I couldn't comprehend it. It just wasn't sinking in. If I were to be honest, I refused to accept that you were leaving in a few days.

I had so many plans for us. I was going to bring you to different places. I wanted you to try this and that. I wanted to share the experiences that I have had with you. I wanted to sings songs to you. I wanted to dance with you. I wanted to write you poetry while you lay your head on my lap. I wanted to take silly photos with you and take videos that I could watch when you're in the land down under.

I had so many plans.

How will I make it all happen in just one day now?

I have so many doubts and fears. We've never been a fan of LDR and now we will be in one. I know there's Viber, Skype, and what not plus the time difference isn't really that big but you'd be in another country and I would be here. What if you get extremely lonely? What if wanted to hug me and I won't be there to hug you back? What if you wanted to talk and you can't reach me on my phone or I need to hear your voice and you're sound asleep? What if you meet someone else?

I have so many doubts and fears.

How will you erase it in just one day now?

However, when I remember that you were the one who pushed for us to be together, for us to give this a chance ... when I remember how positive you are about us having our vacation in Hong Kong together then I start to have faith.

I have faith in us. I have faith that we will make this work. I have faith that you will do what you can to message me and let me know how you are. I have faith that you will do what you can to not break my heart. I have faith that we will survive this. I have faith that we will choose to fight for us. I have faith that we will choose US when we are tempted.

Choose US. When you feel lonely, choose us. When you are tempted by another, choose us. When you feel the heat running through you and someone is willing to ease it for you for a while, remember me and choose us. Choose what we have. Choose US.

Choose US. Choose LOVE. Choose my love for you for you know that my love is real ...

because I will always choose you and I will continue choosing you until you don't choose me anymore. Then and only then, I will let go.

bear and the artists haven cafe ...

I was planning on bringing him to this coffee shop inside my area that served Tsokolate de Batirol. He once mentioned that he liked it and so I said to myself, I'll bring him to this coffee shop and we can hang out and talk the whole afternoon.

It's kind of our thing. We can literally spend the whole afternoon, sitting in a coffee shop, me on my 2nd cup of coffee while he is only halfway through with his first one, chatting up a storm. Well, me more than him but he also talks which I really like. Sometimes we get into really lively discussions that our voice starts to rise a little and we have to remember that we're not alone inside the coffee shop.

This afternoon's plans were thwarted though when he mentioned to me that he saw this artists cafe. He told me we'll just pass by and I can go have a look. He said that if I didn't like the place, we'll go proceed to the cafe I planned to bring him to.

So I went inside and this is what greeted me.

He said that he saw the place when he was eating at a store across it. He saw that it was an artists haven and it was offering calligraphy. It seems he remembered that I was interested in learning it and so he went inside the cafe to check it out and see if I would like it.

He doesn't know how happy his words made me feel. Imagine, he was on his own and when he saw this place, he checked it out because he thought I might like it. I was on his mind. That made me smile; truth be told, I still have a huge smile on my face even as I am writing this.

I went back outside and told him that I loved the place and I wanted to have coffee there. The smile that spread on his face when I said that was so wide and so genuine. He even said "I knew it!" and that's when I realized that he was really hoping that I would like the place he found for me.

Thinking back, I could consider this his first surprise for me. He's not really the flower kind of guy and he's also not the type to give gifts so I knew that this was his way of making me feel even more special.

I chose this area for us to stay at because it was very cozy and we had privacy since it was like having a small room to ourselves. Also just looking at it, who wouldn't want to stay here, drink coffee, listen to good music, and talk?

This is exactly what we did for the next 4 hours. 

Bear and I just talked about music, TV series, us, and anything and everything that caught our fancy. I learned things about him and he laughed at awkward photos of me growing up which were sadly on my laptop.

There was a moment though that he stared at me for minutes and I wondered what he was thinking. He finally said "You are beautiful." and I simply melted. The way he said it, there was no question about the statement he just uttered. For him, it was a fact. He believes that I am beautiful and to him, I am beautiful.

I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world at that point.

He and I, it feels right. I don't feel that any of us exerts any effort in trying to come up with a topic. It just flows. We could spend the whole afternoon talking and not run out of things to say which is something since he and I have been talking a lot since March.

This day was meant to be a treat for him but instead, he turned things around and I was the one who got a treat. I gotta say that there couldn't have been a better ending to a day that started out pretty badly. Thank you Bear for making me smile again and again.

And to answer your question if I am happy, this is my answer ...

You do not only make me happy. You are my euphoria and I hope that I get to keep you for a very long time, if not forever.

Oishi Great Lakes Wholesome Refreshment

As a Mom, one of the things I normally struggle with is finding something that my son can take to school and drink that would be healthy but at the same time, it would taste great. I remembered when I was young that I hated having to drink water everyday or having just one kind of juice to drink for the rest of the month. I wanted to give variety to my son and sadly, there weren't really that many choices.

A couple of days ago it was my son's birthday and I was suffering from the same problem when lo and behold, this came in the mail.

 I was very happy upon seeing that it was a Juice Drink because I was able to have a taste of their veggie drink before and I loved it. I took a peek and I was very, very happy. It not only had the veggie drink but the fruit juice as well. Best thing is that it now comes in big packages.

TA-DA!

It instantly became a part of the small celebration we had at home for my son's birthday. Funny thing is, we finished 2 of the big packages and 6 of the small ones. It was just so good.

My son preferred the veggie one much to my delight. He actually finished a big glass of it all by himself and without me forcing him to drink it.

I'm so glad Oishi Great Lakes offers wholesome refreshments now that goes well with meals and snacktime. Having fruits and vegetables daily are important to me and this is one of the fastest ways to ensure my son will have his daily fill. The fact that it has no artificial coloring, flavoring, and sweetener also matters.

Oishi Great Lakes comes in two yummy flavors; Tropical Fruit and Fruit and Vegetable Mix. Let them know how you keep healthy and refreshed with these two juice drinks by using the hashtag #WholesomeRefreshment.

Ampalaya the Musical

Last night, B and I had the opportunity to watch a rare staging of Ampalaya the Musical at the Cultural Center of the Philippines which was brought to life by Siliman University's CAC (Cultural Affairs Committee.) The story is inspired by Palanca award-winner Augie Rivera Jr.’s short story for children Alamat ng Ampalaya (Tale of the Bitter Gourd). Ampalaya: The Musical is described by the CCP in a statement as a musical that “celebrates Philippine culture through music, dances, games and values.”

“It explores issues like the ugliness of envy and greed and what it does to people, and embracing and nurturing one’s gifts and strengths,” it added.

The musical originated as a short play that debuted in Boston, Massachussetts, in 2000. The full-length version debuted at SU’s Claire Isabel McGill Luce Auditorium on September 19, 2014. Its most recent run was at the same venue last July 3 to 6.

The musical features many of the local thespians and singers of Dumaguete City, Negros Oriental province. Longtime Philippine Educational Theater Association member Dessa Quesada-Palm directs the musical, with the music provided by New York-based guitar virtuoso and conductor Michael Dadap and his co-lyricist Patty Yusah. Other members of the production team are musical director Dr. Elizabeth Susan Vista-Suarez, set designer Lex Marcos, costume designer Carlo Pagunaling, choreographer Angelo Sayson and technical director Barbara Tan-Tiongco.
B was super excited soon as he saw the stage. He kept asking me what time it would start and if the people could already go inside the theater so the show can start already. It was very inspiring to see how his eyes would sparkle when he looked at the theater stage.

I knew he was paying attention to the show when he pointed out and asked me why potato, carrots, and malunggay were not part of the cast of characters. I think he felt bad for the other veggies who were not included.

I have to say that costume wise, this is one of the best productions I have ever seen. You can easily identify the characters due to the details given to what they were wearing.

Miss Ampalaya after stealing everyone else's best assets.

One of the best costumes for the night  were the diwata and the Ubodman sa Saging. She looked stunning.

B was enthralled. This is the only word I can use to desribe how he was while watching Ampalaya the Musical. As a Mom, I am glad that there are musicals like this because it imparts a lot of moral lessons to children and it reminds them of the value of eating your veggies.

 

Thank you also to the cast for having their photo taken with my son. :) 

do you love me?

As you were driving me home last night, you asked me if I believed that you loved me and I answered you with a yes. Admittedly, I paused and did not answer immediately but this was more out of habit than a reflection of you. I realized that I CHOSE to believe that you love me and this is something that I will have to own up to.

I chose to believe because to doubt you would be to doubt our relationship. What we have is already complicated enough that if I added even a sprinkle of doubt, it just might collapse on its head and take down both of us with it. Besides, I need to believe in what we have because that belief alone will help us get through obstacles and challenges that we will face in the future.

Do you love me? I believe that yes you do because you exert massive efforts to be with me. You are happy enough just having coffee with me and talking. You are also okay with being late for your basketball games when I know for a fact that it is your first love and that at times, you most likely love basketball more than you love me. You hate serious talks and yet when I request for it, you indulge me because you know it matters to me.

Do you love me? I feel that you do. I feel it when you don’t make false promises to me. I feel it when you are honest with me even if the truth may hurt me. I feel it when you don’t respond I love you just because I said that I love you. I feel it when you get mad at me because I wore something too revealing or skimpy. I feel it when you get hurt that you can’t be there for me no matter how much you want because it just isn’t possible.

Do you love me? I know that you do. I know you love me when you whisper out of the blue that you love me. I know you love me when all of a sudden you just blurt it out, without any warning whatsoever that it almost always catches me off guard. I know you loved me when you rushed to my aid in gym clothes and all because I got sick. I know you loved me when you get this look of happiness and contentment on your face when we’re talking. I know you love me when you touch the side of my face and simply gaze at me. I know you love me when you call me “My Bella.”

Do you really love me? Perhaps you do, perhaps you don’t. Maybe this is something real and maybe this is just your way of passing time. In all honesty, I wouldn’t really know if this is a game or not. However, I choose to believe that you do love me simply because I see it, I feel it, and I know that you are a good person. Also, you’d have to be a complete sociopath to exert so much effort and time to spend with me and not have this be real.

B turns 10

10 years ago today, I was experiencing the worst physical pain any person could endure. 10 years ago today, I almost died due to cardiac arrest. 10 years ago today, I met the one person who would turn my life upside down without even trying. 10 years ago today, I gave birth to my son.

To say that being a mother has been easy would be such a lie. It hasn’t been. It has been very challenging especially when I became a single Mom 7 years ago. I had no money, I had no job, and I had a 3 year old who relied on me 100%. I thought to myself, “Why Lord? Why me? Why my son?”

To top it off, a month into being a single Mom to B and he seems to want to test his Mom’s sanity. I just got home from working the night shift and he was sick. After checking on him and being assured that he was fine, I went to sleep. 30 minutes into it and my Mom wakes me up because B has started convulsing and needed to be rushed to the hospital ASAP. I literally ran out of the house wearing just my sleepwear and slippers. It was one of the worst moments of my life.

Thankfully, there are very few instances of tears and sadness. It has been mostly joy and laughter. My son and I, we may not always get along but I hope he knows that I love him very much.

Happy 10^th Birthday my son. Thank you for coming into my life and giving it purpose. Thank you for reminding me everyday when I see you that I cannot give up, that I have a reason to move forward and battle life. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for forgiving me when I hurt you. You never cease to amaze me with how easily you forgive. I am always humbled by your ability to do so.

I love you to the moon and back and way beyond that.

to no forever

You and I have always been honest with each other. We promised to not give one another false hopes and so far, we have made good with this promise.

Sometimes though, when you remind me of it, it hurts. I guess there's a difference between knowing that whatever we have may not be forever and then having you remind me that there is no forever. Its just so in your face.

It makes it all the more real .... like we've set us up already to fail and that though the end is not something that is tangible, we're already saying that definitely, this will not be something that will last.

It hurts. Its the reality and it hurts.

Yawyan Alasan at work ...

I have been with the Yawyan Alasan program for  roughly 4 months though if I were to be honest, its only 3 months since I missed out on 2 weeks in June and 2 weeks in July. Yikes. Well, pains of being a single Mom financially raising a 10 year old son all on my own.

Anyway, I'm just really glad that I stuck it out with this program and that the coaches are so darn patient with me and my bluster. You see, I have severe separation anxiety from my fats whom I have had for the last 11 years. It's the longest relationship I have ever had in my life after all. Haha.

On a serious note, Yaywan Alasan has really helped me be more active and it has helped me in cutting down a few inches off of my fats. After all, the program is not for the weak of heart. Yawyan requires dedication and the will to pursue even when every muscle in your body is telling you to stop the madness.

I would know. There were days I couldn't walk up or down the stairs without saying "ouchie!" over and over again. However, feeling the fats turn to muscles, feeling your pants loosen a little, and finding yourself not huffing and puffing so much like you used to before is such an achievement that you will find yourself going back for more.

As you can see, this is not your typical gym nor is it your usual circuit training. Here, we combine things and make sure that we make getting fit, fun. We also have our coaches constantly monitoring everything that we do so that no one will get injured.

This is one of the things that I really like about Yawyan. Here, you are not just another member but a part of the family. The girls are all nice and supportive of each other. When you work out here, you feel a little better knowing that the person next to you is just in as much pain as you are. Haha.

For those interested, please visit the official facebook page for more details. As for the ladies, as you can see, there are a lot of us so please do join us and work with us in getting you the body you yearn for while learning self defense.

when sadness trumps happiness

Sometimes, people just fall apart for no reason. Sometimes, its the biggest fiasco in the world that leads to the destruction of what once was the most beautiful thing on Earth. Oftentimes though, people are not able to really pinpoint why they drifted away, fell out of love, or just took different paths from each other ... from someone the they vowed to love for the rest of their life or till the day they die.

I think its because where before happiness trumped any sadness or pain that someone brings in your life, now its the complete opposite. I believe that we drift away when we no longer feel as happy as we used to, when the sadness overtakes us, and the pain becomes too much to bear.

When this happens ... sometimes, even when we don't want to, it's time to say goodbye.