Saturday, September 22, 2007

letting go

Finally, I am letting you go.

It hurts so much to do that but I need to let you go. I need to release your hold on my heart, your power to hurt me needs to be freed. I cannot survive another day with you being able to twsit and turn my insides with a comment or a stare. I need to do this for myself and my son.

I did fight for this relationship and this love. I wanted to give it a chance to work out but not at the expense of my own happiness. I just cannot love you that way anymore. I did that before and look where it got me. You still fell in love with someone else.

You know what though, if I could be assured again that you would never hurt me the way you did, I would let go of everything to be with you. But you cannot give me that. You won't even try to change for us.

And so, I must let you go.

Mike Abundo said...
I'm not sure what's going on, old friend, but I'm here for you.
at 12:36 AM

Ana Shariah said...
Oh Kens you make me cry...Don't worry, it's going to be ok. You're already on your way to merging the outside-only and the onve-upon-a-time- inside happy you. :)
at 4:52 AM

Mommy Len said...
I'm sorry for what's happening to you right now. Stay strong my dear friend, you can survive this. *hugs*
at 10:39 PM

Daiz said...
I thought things were getting better for you but I guessed wrong. If this would make you happy and you think it's best for Brent, then it's a good decision. Good luck!
at 8:33 AM

Daddy Forever said...
I'm so sorry Kay. Not all guys are like that. You'll find the right one someday and he'll make you happy again.
at 3:06 PM

zhasha said...
i hope its not what am thinkin... hope this is not the end of your beautiful love story.. both of you should work things out.. its not the woman who should always compromise.. do not make your life miserable because of wrong decisions.. think about hoping things can still be fixed.. let your love for each other bring back the warmth of your relationship.. hugs..
at 3:16 AM

wayabetty said...
I'm so sorry that you're going through this tough time. Hang in there!
at 10:08 AM

Thursday, September 20, 2007


I long for the days when I used to believe, when I was still naive and thought that love could conquer everything.

I long for the days when you used to hold me in your arms and whispered sweet nothings . . . words that pierced my heart and went to the very core of my being.

I long for the time when you would look deep into my eyes and tell me that you can't imagine living a life without me, that I was your first priority and I believed you.

I long for those days when I still believed in love and all the promises that it brings. I long for that feeling.

I long for the words.
I long . . . for love.

Daddy Forever said...
I long for those days too. Sometimes, it seems like we lost that loving feeling after we had kids.
at 12:17 PM

zhasha said...
i feel for you.. true love is what you deserve!
at 3:19 AM

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

my muse: Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep..

Tonight I Can Write

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,
'The night is shatteredand the blue stars shiver in the distance.
'The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one
I held her in my armsI kissed her again
and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night,
still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all.
In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain,
but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's.

Like my kisses before. Her voide. Her bright body.
Her inifinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one

I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Daddy Forever said...
You sound like a hopeless romantic. I hope you find love again soon. Have a nice weekend.
at 12:21 PM

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

flighty friends

This girl used to be my Monday date.Something reassuring and comforting with starting the week with a friendly chat over a cup of coffee. What I love most about this girl though is that I can call her in the middle of the night simply because I'm scared shitless about something or I'm bored and couldn't sleep or I'm waiting for hubby to get home and she'll be all ready to chat.
We've had a falling out early this year but when she learned that I was going through a very rough patch, she sent me a message over ym reminding me that she is still there for me. I am so grateful that she is back in my life coz I need all the love I can get right now.

Daddy Forever said...
It's great she was there for you when you needed a friend. We could always use more friends, right?
Blogger zhasha said...
its always great to have that bessie to stick by you especially during those times of our lives..

there's nothing greater than havin'a faithful, true and loving bessie!

this picture made me miss my bessie..

Love you girlfriend. To being friends for life no matter what!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

someday someone's gonna love me

I hope that one day ... some guy will give a letter like this to my lil sis when she's at that age where love starts to look appealing. If that happens, then she should keep that guy forever.

I hate how much power she has over me.
I hate how her hair smells so good,
but I can't put it in a bottle to take around with me
so I can take a whiff of it everytime
I need something comforting.

I hate how she can get away with the craziest,
meanest things with a little twirl of her hair
and her impish smile and devilish little eyes.

I hate it when I start feeling so small
and alone when we're apart.
I hate it when she hurts.
I hate it worse when it's me she's hurting about.

Daddy Forever said...
Love it. I should save it and rewrite on a card for my wife.
at 2:57 PM

Thursday, September 13, 2007

the power of holding hands

I was sitting on a beach one summer day, watching two children, a boy and a girl, playing in the sand. They were hard at work building an elaborate sandcastle by the water's edge, with gates and towers and moats and internal passages. Just when they had nearly finished their project, a big wave came along and knocked it down, reducing it to a heap of wet sand. I expected the children to burst into tears, devastated by what had happened to all their hard work. But they surprised me. Instead, they ran up the shore away from the water, laughing and holding hands, and sat down to build another castle. I realized that they had taught me an important lesson. All the things in our lives, all the complicated structures we spent so much time and energy creating, are built on sand. Only our relationships to other people endure. Sooner or later, the wave will come along and knock down what we have worked so hard to build up. When that happens, only the person who has somebody's hand to hold will be able to laugh.

"When I lost you. I was the one who loved you most,
but between us you lost more...
For someday I can love someone the way I loved you...
But you will never be loved again the way that I did."

*** this was taken from another blog ... just wanted to share it with you guys. Below is a poem I made before when I was brokenhearted back in high school.

I wanted to see you
But when I looked
You weren't there.

I wanted to hold you
But when I reached out
You weren't there
I wanted to speak to you
But when I was talking
You weren't there

I wanted to kiss you
But when I attempted
You weren't there

I wanted to love you
But when I tried to
You were never there.

long distance relatives

This is Tyrell Jayden ... my nephew. Ain't he adorable? I've never seen him in person since he lives halfway around the world, in London. I wish though that one day, I will get to hold him. hopefully, before he can protests and tell me that he's too old to be smothered by his Aunt.
Below is my cousin Paok with TJ. Aren't they sweet? Paok is my closest cousin, maybe because we're only a year apart in age and we're both loonies. I miss him. Especially with what I went through in the last month. I wished that I was able to talk to him.
And here is his lovely wife ... I hope to meet you soon girl. I hope we get along coz it seems to methat you make my cuz happy. Ü

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

a day with B

The tornado was able to attend a birthday party after two years of being invited to one. We trooped to McDonald's with me imagining that he will surely love to play with the other kids. Boy was I wrong. My son apparently has become anti social. He opted to play by himself and was happy just running after a balloon. There goes the Mr Friendship award that I was planning to honor him with. Lol!
Afterwards, we went to Tiendesitas and shopped around. It is such a lovely place save for the fact that there is no aircon and the weather is really tropical so it's not a good combination. You will forgive them though when you see the massive choice of novelty items, pets, clothes, furnitures, and what have you that they have to offer. Here is a [icture of the tornado stretching after walking for hours.

Daiz said...
Wow, laki na ni B. I guess he's not used to other kids so he was quite anti-social. You should let him play with kids/cousins.
at 1:58 PM

Mike Abundo said...
Not wanting to be around people isn't always being antisocial. Some people just need less social interaction than others. :)
at 12:17 AM

Sunday, September 9, 2007

hot as fire, cold as ice

Do you have that one person who you never thought could be a friend of yours? Is there that one person in your life who simply amazes you because you are now friends? I have one such person whom I met where I work. She is that one person whom if someone had told me 4 months ago I'd be friends with, I'd have simply answered with "are you crazy?" It was that inconceivable. Fast forward to the present times and I've realized that she is one of those gems that most of the time is left unturned or undiscovered. So to you RJ, may our hot white mocha and iced chocolate forever mix. Ü

LoveMyStarr said...
What a sweet post. Sounds like really good friend.
at 4:39 AM

Saturday, September 8, 2007


I was reading a book called Heartbreak when it made me realize that I have had those moments before. You know, the really tragic ones that till now, you are unable to laugh at when you remember. This is one of my most tragic heartbreaks. I hope that you will learn from it or maybe even a shed a tear with me as you read it.

It was a Sunday back when I was a junior in college. We were visiting my Dad at his place when he and me Mom had one of their infamous fights over nothing. Seriously, it was a simple misunderstanding that escalated into one huge fight that ended with them deciding to once AGAIN, part ways. To my 20 year old mind, it was the end of the world.

So upon getting home and composing myself to not bawl like a baby, I decided to call J. Yes, J, my college sweetheart back then. We had broken up but we were still talking and being friends, or convincing ourselves that we were friends. So I called him and upon asnwering he said, "guess what?" So I say what and he tells me, "Tin and I are together now."

Complete devastation. Serious, mind numbing complete devastation. Why? I'm pretty sure you are asking me why? My heart literally broke into a million pieces for the simple reason that Tin was my best buddy in collefe and now she is with J, my college sweetheart.

If that ain't tragic, I don't know what is. You, do you have any tragic heartbreaks to tell?

Sunday, September 2, 2007

happy birthday MIL

So there you go ... my MIL celebrated her birthday last week and it was very simple seeing as the main person who makes a big deal out of all birthdays was a tad bit too busy ... me. Hehehe ... I did get her a cake and a necklace and that magic sing thing. So now, if I can only find time, I can practice my singing prowess or what's left of it since I've been smoking a wee bit regularly to ease all the stress I've been feeling and feeding into my life.

I was reading past entries of mine and I realized that I was much happier then than I am now. Sure, at work it seems I am much more cheerful but then again, I've always been a good actress. I sort of miss the old me ... the one who was happy inside and not the one who is happy outside only.

Do you have any idea how I can get her back and merge her with the happy only outside me?