Thursday, July 31, 2008

dinner at Italianni's

the complimentary TIRAMISU dessert

4 cheese pizza (blurry though)

Our team was part of a celebratory dinner for one of our projects. Backlogs we had were finally erased and we are off and running now. Funny thing I want to say about the dinner was this. Beside Italianni's is a resto called Flapjack. I've eaten there twice and gotten free stuff because the manager finds me appealing I suppose. When he learned that we were eating at Italianni's, he then proceeded to have the kitchen make a tiramisu dessert for us and it was on the house. Whee! Free food. Lol. We rock! Good company, good food .... great place. It was all good.

eggplant appetizer


pork chop


watermelon shake

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

broken mirror

How do you put together a mirror that's been broken? You can actually, but it will never be the same. It can never be as pristine as it was before. It will always show the broken lines, the path that the breakage took. It will never be the same as much as it wants to be.


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

an upcoming trip and a giveaway

So I'm going to Thailand in September! Wheee! Best thing about it is that its FREE! Wheee even more. Why am I so excited? Well ...

1) its free
2) its the first time I'm going out of the country
3) I get to tour a totally new place and hopefully even have a camera by that time ... something that's 8MegaPixel at least ... so cool ...
4) did I say that it was free?

Lol! Oh ... and this was a sign ... I knew it ... so I'm posting it .... a giveaway from Thailand ... I really love the green letter holder.

Hop on over to Lalaine to join. Hurry! You still have until the 30th to join.

my beijing happy meal collection

Aint' they the coolest thing? I love it!

Monday, July 28, 2008

do you really want to know?

I think its human nature to ask someone what's wrong when we see that they are upset or sad but its also human nature to completely tune them out when they start talking. I've noticed that about people and I too have been guilty from time to time of this.

I think its only when you really care about someone that you want to know why they are sad. When you don't ... even if they say their husband got shot in the head, you feel nothing. You can just move on with your life and not mind what's happening in that person's world.

My question for you now is this: When you ask someone what's wrong, do you really want to know?

why do I blog?

I have been asked this question over and over again. Some people can't seem to understand the need to blog. Some even think its an ego thing. "You really think people will want to read what you have to write?" was probably one of the nastiest thing I've been told. It did hurt but I let it pass.

To answer, yes. I think that there is at least one person in this world who wants to read what I have to write; who is interested in knowing what is on my mind; who likes reading what's new in my life. Egoistic? I think not.

Blogging helps me in ways people around me can't. Sure, I do have friends who are there for me most of the time but when there is no one or when what I have to say will officially piss them off or kill someone, then I would rather blog. Blogging helps me gather my wits, remember things that happened in the past. Blogging is theraphy. It's pretty cheap too compared to retail theraphy. Lol! Blogging helps family and friends know that I am still alive and know what is going on in my life without my having to go into so much details. All they need to do is open it and read.

Why do you blog?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

a reason, a season, a lifetime

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need. You or they have come to assist through a difficulty, to provide encouragement, guidance and support, to aid physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend - and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that the need has been met, the desire fulfilled, the work is done, and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done before. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season, and once the season is over, it is time to move on again.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. You grow together for a lifetime, and share deeply. This type of relationship is lifelong and lasting, and if we value it, can be a great treasure.

Which one do you have?

Friday, July 25, 2008

what do I have?

Someone asked me this. He told me if I take away your work, what do you have? Initially I thought of my son and that was it. Then he mentioned you have a lot more than you think, even more than others. So I thought and here's what I have so far.

I have my son.
I have my Mom and siblings and extended family.
I have my friends who have been there for me ever since.
I have my online community which helps from time to time.
I have my arts and crafts. I am able to release stress.
I have my scrapbooks which help me frame memories.

and ........

I have my ability to write. This is one of the biggest things for me since it helps me deal with whatever is happening in my life.

Thanks 7! Thank you for making me realize these things.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

a teacher I am not

I have been tutoring my lil sister for some months now and I have ranged from giving her bribes to screaming at her when I get frustrated. I know its wrong and its not her fault but really, I am not the most patient of teachers. I get upset when she doesn't get things immediately which is silly really because she's only 8 and I am 28.

I feel bad for her and for myself, most especially for the B. What will it be like when its his turn to be tutored by Mommy? Will I have more patience or will it already have run out? I hope it hasn't. It would be so awful for him.

I wish I was one of those people who had fountains of patience but I am not. I wish that I could be more cheerful but the lack of sleep gets to me. See, I do overtime for work since there are just too many stuff going on as of the moment. Then I sleep and after 5 hours or less, wake up to tutor her. It's not her fault okay. It's mine. I was the one who tried to be a hero and offered my services so to speak.

Sigh sigh. I wanna get a stone and just hit myself over and over again.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

on love and the continental drift theory

"Continental drift refers to the movement of the Earth's continents relative to each other. "

I attended a seminar last night and the topic of love and commitment surfaced. One of the other trainees said something to the effect that if the continents can actually move away from each other when it was all one massive piece of land, who are we to say that two people who are in love will never separate.

We laughed coz the analogy was crazy but at the same time, it hits a chord. When something as big and strong as a land mass known as the earth splilts into 7 continents, what guarantees do we have that this little thing called love can survive the natural disasters that will come? Temptations, distance, work, issues ... petty things even.

Can you tell me if there are any?

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Thursday, July 17, 2008

just some random thoughts

Sino ba ang nagsabing madaling maintindihan ang isang tao? Mahirap.

Alam mo hanggang ngayon marami pa rin akong hindi maintindihan.

Mahirap ipaliwanag kung bakit kailangan mong ngumiti kahit umiiyak ka na pala.

Kahit takot na takot ka, sasabihin mo pa rin na matapang ka.

Pinapakita mo na masaya ka pero ang totoo hindi mo na alam kung papaano maging masaya.

Pinapakita mo na kaya mong mag-isa, kumpleto ka, kahit alam mo sa puso mo na kulang, may kawalan.

Kung minsan ganyan ang tao.

Sinasadya man o hindi, hindi lahat ng pinapakita, TOTOO.

Monday, July 14, 2008

on commitments and relationships

Ever since I had my first relationship at the age of 15, I knew that I was the type of girl who would be in serious relationships. Short or playtime relationships weren't really my kind of thing. I look like a wild child but I was definitely not one. Almost all my relationships were long term (2 years) and the short ones were either because my family did not approve (I was 17, he was 29.) and the other was a guy who was a major jerk who'd always put me down.

In all my relationships, there was a common denominator. I was always introduced to the family of my boyfriend and they always proposed marriage to me. There was even one guy who let me meet his parents for lunch when we were still just dating. He wanted me to be his girlfriend and his parents pitched for him since I was a bit jaded at that time. It was really sweet.

I don't know why but they seemed to think I was wife material. It boggled me before. I would often wonder why they wanted to settle down with me. I wasn't the easiest girlfriend back then. Yes, I was very sweet and I really took care of them but I was also whiny when I don't get my way. As an ex would describe me, I could make him feel like he was the only person that mattered but when I was upset, I was also the devil incarnate.

I had too much passion in me I think.

I couldn't love nor hate like normal people. When I love, I really love. I give it my all. I give my relationships everything that I possibly can to make it work. I would make my man feel like he was the only thing that mattered in this world. I was not a nagging girl. I understand that guys need to go out and ogle girls and that is fine with me. I ogle men. As long as there was no cheating involved and its just plain heckling ang ogling, it was fine by me. I would even be the one to buy FHM magazine for him and encourage him to go on out on boy's night. I was that understanding.

When I do turn my back though, that's it as well. I have never gotten back with an ex no matter how much love I still had for him. It just wasn't in me. See, I don't give up on a relationship if I feel that it can still be worked on. Believe me when I say I have put up with some really not so good relationships because I thought that it could still work out. So when I leave, that's it. It's over for me. Its so over.

And now, I am choosing to turn my back on love. Yes, me, I am choosing this. Hard to believe if you knew me. I am in love with the idea of being in love. I am the ultimate romantic. I am the type of girl who still appreciates when someone gives me their seat in a bus or LRT. I am the girl who would completely swoon over if I receive flowers (come to think of it, its been a long time since I received some.) I am the girl who gets giddy at the thought of someone buying me cotton candy and saying that I am as sweet as cotton candy. Cheesy as it may sound, I am that girl.

For me to say goodbye to that is completely unfathomable to people who know me. Someone even told me, he hurt you that bad? I would have to say yes, I was that badly hurt. I just don't want to believe in love anymore. I refuse to be that vulnerable again. It hurts too much. To have given your love wholeheartedly and to have it thrown right back into your face is not something I would wish on people. The saying having your heart ripped into pieces is the most apt description.

Would I still fall in love in the future? I do not know. Right now, it would be a firm NO! For me to even entertain such thoughts, the guy would need to prove to me that he is worth it. He would need to show me that he is for real, that when he shows me what forever is, it is because he is ready to give me that forever. I don't ask for much you know. I don't ask for millions or diamonds. Just a cotton candy. Just the truth. Just someone who will love me for me and know my worth. In return, I will make him feel what it is like to be loved 100% ... what it is like to be the only thing that matters on earth.

If I can't have that, and I don't see that happening, I'd rather not have anything.

Friday, July 11, 2008

on becoming jaded

I'm not really. I just want to be. I want to be jaded so that I won't feel hurt anymore. I want to be jaded so that I won't believe in love anymore. I refuse to believe in love. It's not real anyway. People always leave.

People always cheat. They cheat to satisfy a need; a hunger within them. Even when you try to be what they want you to be, it just doesn't happen. They will always want something new. They will always want something different. They will get tired of eating the same food over and over again.

But a relationship or a commitment is not the same as food. It shouldn't be like that. It should be about value and respect for the other person. It shouldn't be that I am sick and tired of having the same food, I need to taste another.

I really hope that soon, I will be jaded. I think I'm safer that way.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Ugh ....

That’s how I feel
Whenever I’m talking to you.

Can he tell that I’m nervous
Whenever we converse?

Why do I feel this way
Whenever you speak?

I hate how I feel
I hate how you don’t feel.

I need to get over this
Knowing that I can’t.

Monday, July 7, 2008

why oh why ...

Have you ever met someone and felt that you just totally connected with each other? You find yourself pouring your heart out and the other person listens intently? You feel like you found the missing part of you and feel so complete. You start looking for this person on a daily basis and chat like you’ve never chatted before. He tells you things that make you laugh and you in turn tell him the highlights of your day.

Then one day he just wasn’t there. He is but not the same way that he was before. He would reply to your messages after some time and not instantly like before. If you ask him if he’s busy, he’d say yes; unlike before when he would make time for you even if he was busy. He would be hot and cold, cold and hot. You on the other hand don’t know how to tread on this new path that the “friendship” has taken. You feel like you’ve been played when you know that there really was nothing in the first place.

You try to walk away and not mind it but you do, you do mind it. It does hurt. How can he be so callous? How can he just not care? How can he say those words and completely turn his back on you just like that? How can it be like this? Why is it like this? Was it something you said? Was it something you did not say? Was it the way you laughed? The way you talked? The way you messaged?

Argh! It’s so frustrating. Why can’t people just say what was on their mind? Why is there a need to play mind games? Why can’t people just be who they really are and stop pretending to be who they think they need to be? Why can’t people just not lie?

Saturday, July 5, 2008

persons / things that I am grateful for

  1. that I am alive, breathing, normal, healthy, safe, and secure
  2. that my family and loved ones are all okay and nearby ... I can see them when I want and be with them
  3. that I have friends who love me and accept me for what I am ... craziness and all
  4. my blog ... I get to rant and rave without anyone saying stop that
  5. my photos ... they remind me of what I have
  6. my books ... they nourish my mind
  7. CC ... for giving me back my ability to write
  8. AM ... for making me realize my worth once again
  9. Starbucks ... for the endless sessions that I have with friends
  10. my son ... the biggest blessing of my life

Friday, July 4, 2008

None Anymore

No poems for me
for I ran out of ink
And paper
And ideas
And lines
And imagery
And inspiration.
I will draw colorless rainbows instead.
Hand them out,
Pass them around.
You color it the way you want.
Your choice, your way.
My rainbow’s got no color.
My paper’s got no poems.
But I’m smiling,
without lips

by Jason C.

to the one I should never love

I met him online some years ago. He was witty and funny, my kind of guy. He made me feel good about myself. He made me feel like I mattered.

We exchanged banters and ended up talking. It was heavenly, hearing his voice,
hearing him laugh, him making me laugh. I felt ... alive. I haven't felt that way in such a long time. Far too long.

Just as surely as the sun will rise, I started thinking of him even when we didn't talk. I started looking for him, needing him, wanting him. It was weird, awkward, sheer insanity.

I forced myself to stop. I knew he cared about me but he handled it better than I did. I knew he felt something for me but he hid it better than I did. I felt ... betrayed.

Why did he not show it? Why does he not tell me? Why does he not show it? I kept these all to myself. I didn't want him to know that I was waging war in my head against him.

Then I realized ... he was right. He shouldn't show me. He shoulnd't tell me. He shouldn't ... because he's someone I should never love and I am someone he would never want.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

years ago ...

Years ago, if someone had told me that I can love someone like I’ve never loved before yet completely lose that feeling in a span of 4 years, I would have laughed it off. Knowing myself, I know that when I love, I love with all my heart. I don’t just give it my all, I give it my everything, my entire being, my heart, soul, body, mind, and everything that I possibly can. To do that and then turn completely cold in just years was unfathomable to me.

Unfortunately, that giddy lil girl who would be so happy to receive cotton candy with a tag saying “you’re as sweet as cotton candy” seems to be gone. In place is a jaded version who refuses to believe in love and shuns it any chance she can get. She’s become too scared to even value any form of love that is being offered to her. It just hurts too much.

Years ago, if someone had told me that I’d be sacrificing things that I value to hold on to something that is no longer there, I would have laughed it off. Knowing myself, I know that I would never do. I always say that I will never force myself on someone who does not want me. I prided myself in that. I never made amends with anyone who did not want me nor forced myself on a guy.

Unfortunately, that prideful woman has resorted to begging for love, begging someone to let her stay and work things out. That woman has forced herself on someone who no longer loves her for the sake of family. That woman has kneeled and asked to be given a chance again even though she wasn’t the one at fault. All this for the sake of an innocent child.

Years ago, if someone had told me that I’d be writing about this, I would have laughed it off. Knowing myself, I know that I would never do such a thing. After all, these things will never happen to me. I know myself. I know my limitations and what I can and cannot do.

Unfortunately, that wise person has long since hibernated. I do not know when she will come out again. I do not know if I even want her to come out. I do know that wherever she is right now, I am missing her. I hope that she misses me too. I hope she has learned her lessons and not commit the same mistakes.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

my WISH list

I've been sorting my stuff and I'm happy that some of the stuff that I've been wanting to get since I was a kid, I already did. There's something silly about me. I do not want to get these stuff for myself. I told myself and my friends that if no one gives this as a gift, then so be it. =) Crazy huh? Good thing they got me my carousel.

So what's on my wish list? Here goes.

1) a musical box with a dancing ballerina or a dancing couple ... I know, I know, its old fashioned but sue me ... its something I've been wanting for the longest time
2) silk pajama set ... I just think it would feel really good wearing it ...
3) a huge body pillow ....
4) a portrait of myself .... or a really fantastic glam shot blown up
5) a care bear snow globe
6) glass slippers .... its the princess in me ... lol
7) a white dresser of my own ...
8) a cabinet that can hold all my lil stuff ... the ones that I acquired and use for my scrapbooking
9) Starbucks City Mugs ... from all over the world
10) The boxset of Harry Potter

That's it for now. :)

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

foods that I love in Cebu

1) lechon cebu - it just tastes so much better
2) latok - its a kind of sea plant
3) puso - hanging rice
4) soriso - its like longganiza but much tastier
5) danngit - dried smelly fish ... smells like hell, taste like heaven
6) champorado
7) camay with moscovado - SUPER SARAP!

i lost me

I look at pictures of myself before and wonder
where did that girl go?
What happened to her?
When did she stop existing?

I look at pictures of myself before and wonder
will I ever be that happy again?
will I ever be that inlove
when did she stop believing?

I look at pictures of myself before and wonder
when will I get her back
when will I find her
when did she start losing her way?

I seem to have lost ... me.