It's been over a month and definitely a lot has changed. If someone had told me a month ago that I would be where I am right now, I would have willingly bet any money that I'll make for the next 10 months that they would be wrong. Thankfully, no one made that bet for I was apparently wrong.
For those who regularly read my blog, you would have met the funny man. Yes, the funny man. The guy who was the reason that I believed in love again after almost 2 years of being single and not being in a relationship. The same guy who taught me that a relationship will always work as long as both parties love each other. The same guy who taught me to be more positive and believe in forgiveness.
Yes, that funny man.
I am not mad at him. I am not angry nor do I want to do any form of revenge. At most, I am hurt but I know that he is hurting as well. He may no longer be around but he has taught me a lot. It's not his fault that he got tired and that he no longer wants me. He is human. I know that he still loves me (he has told me even after we parted ways and I believe him) but he's just not ready to be with me again. As he says, let fate decide.
I feel that ....
Let fate decide. Hopefully, fate smiles at us.
I'm also currently out of work so that's another change. I decided to quit my Dad because working for him would simply drive me insane. I'm currently job hunting and it has been such a challenge. Seriously.
Everything in my life seems to have fallen apart in a span of 2 weeks. I hope its to lead to something awesome. Really, I do. If not, then I guess I just need to work on making things awesome.
I've started with really controlling my reactions to bad things and bad people, as well as to stupid things and stupid people whom I encounter on a daily basis. Today was most especially hard because I went job hunting and ended up in 3 different places with over 10+ companies dealt with. Where I normally would have given a scathing remark, I smiled and said thank you or please. When there was a guy who was being downright rude, I simply looked and walked away. Where I would normally have mouthed off, I kept quiet and listened to music. And when the green eyed monster visited me very early in the morning, I sent one negative tweet and moved on from it.
I've also been doing a lot more explaining to B when it comes to rules and what not instead of simply imposing or screaming. We've had peace and quiet for almost 2 weeks now and it feels great. I've also learned to always thank people around me when they do something that made my life easier or they just shared my grief.
It's been a tough 2 weeks .... a lot of tears have been shed, a lot of Oscar worthy scenes have been played out which shall never be mentioned here ... a lot of conversations with friends and at times, random people have happened. Unfortunately, the one person who could actually make me feel better is the person who is the cause of my greatest pain.
I am thankful for the people who have been giving me support. My Mom, my sister, my son, our helpers, my best friends, and the random strangers on the streets that I meet when I walk. I am thankful to music for helping me deal with words that I can't say out loud. I am thankful most of all to God for letting me get through this. Yes, I have insane moments where I just find myself laughing then crying. Yes, I have sleepless nights where I beg for sleep. Yes, I have moments where I just wanna give in and beg again but thankfully I don't. I did that already and nothing happened.
Now, I just have hope, love, trust and lots of prayers.
I'm stronger now. It still hurts like hell and most likely, it will continue to hurt because I love him so much but I'll be fine. I need to be, for my son and for myself. Simply because some guy decided he can no longer deal with me doesn't mean that my world will fall apart. Well, it did fall apart but here I am, slowly picking up the pieces and using cement (yeah, its now cement so that it would be harder to break again) to put it all back together. I still miss him. I will always miss him but until he misses me and wants me back ... there's really nothing more I can do. I've laid my cards on the table, the next move is up to him.
I just hope that he remembers it wasn't all bad. I didn't appreciate what he said to a friend that made it sound like the entire year we had was bad. It couldn't have been. We had great times together, great moments. I wish that he realizes that amidst all my shortcomings, I loved him and I cared for him as well as his kids and family deeply. Too much at times even. Also, I never cheated on him; not in thoughts, actions, or what not. Never. I may not have been the perfect girlfriend ... but I loved him with all my heart and I never cheated.
For now, it will be about work, my son, and myself. For now .... it has to be.
So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
The way I did before
PS: I just wanna be clear. I'd still love to have the funny man back in my life and giving this love of ours another chance. However, it is now up to him if he wants to take this chance. When he does, he needs to be sure that he really does and that he's in it for the long haul. Till then ... I'm just going to focus on becoming more fit, stable, and better.