Monday, December 3, 2007

who should be blamed?

Who should be blamed when a leaf falls from a tree? Is it the wind that blew it away? Or is the tree that didn't hold on tightly? Or is it the leaf that let itself be blown away?

Sunday, December 2, 2007

blog awards

I am the lucky recipient of two blog awards whichwere supposed to stand on my sidebar. Unfortunately, blogger won't let me or I'm really that technobobo (slang in my language for someone not tech savvy.) So to show them off for now, here are my blog awards.

This one is given to me by Rachel of Soulful Thoughts. She is such a sweetie and to be considered by her as someone who makes her smile is such an honor. Thanks girl!

This one is given by a complete stranger, which makes it even more precious I believe. Thank you for putting a smile in my face Dixie chick.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

share my umbrella

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forev
Said I'll always be a frien
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

Who's umbrella can you stand under when it's raining heavily? Me, I'm pretty lucky that I've always found people who's umbrella they are more than willing to share with me even before I ask them. In every chapter of my life, there are people like that. I wish its the same for you. After all, nothing is worse than having to drown in a storm right?

Sunday, November 11, 2007

love means never having to say you're sorry


I just read Erich Segal's book called A Love Story. It made me ponder. They never said sorry to each other no matter how ruthless their fights were and no matter how unreasonable they were to each other. I cannot fathom it. I don't understand why they are that way.

See, I am a firm believer that saying sorry is important. When you hurt someone, apologize. When you hurt the one you love, it is very important to say sorry. Reading this book is making me think now. Is it really important to say sorry or have I been living a "perception" that sorry is important?

What do you think?

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

bee stings

If a bee stings you, would you still help it if it meant that it would live 100 more years? Most of you would probably say no. I would understand. A bee sting would hurt like crazy and no one wants to suffer pain when one can avoid it.

Think about this though. Why then do we still care for the people we love eventhough they hurt us with their words or actions? Why then do we still love these people? Why then do we put up with their silliness and make excuses for their thoughtlessness? It is simply because it is in our nature to love them, to care for them, and to understand them.

Just as much as it is in the nature of the bee to sting, it is in our nature to still hold out our hand and let these bees sting us. We can't help it. We are what we are. We let our hearts bleed until it bleeds no more.

So, how many bees have stung you and are you still letting them sting you?

Sunday, November 4, 2007

so I'm 27 now ....

So these are the roses that the SO gave me. It was such a sweet surprise since he rarely gives me roses. 3rd in the 3 years we've been together. Ü

Above are the cakes, the basket I stole from a friend (lol) and the carousel my former team gave me. I love them all since they represent something in my life and what I hope my 27th year will turn out to be. Sweet, creative, and a whimsical adventure of dreams to come true. Ü

So that's how my birthday went. When's your birthday?

Monday, October 29, 2007

what is a trashcan to you?

To a toddler, a trashcan is just something that holds his ugly toys. To a gradeschooler, a trashcan is just someting that contains his failed exams. To a high school kid, it contains letter of a former love. To a street kid, whatever the trashcan contains, so goes life.

We take things that we have around us for granted but we must stop to think that for some people, what we consider trash is a treasure to them. It is what they need to survive. It is what makes their life easier.

What do you have that is trash but could be something else to someone?

Sunday, October 28, 2007

to celebrate or not to celebrate?

My birthday is coming up in two days. Normally, I'd be all excited and gungho and be thinking of what cake I should get, what gifts I would receive, and what have you. Maybe its because I'm getting older or maybe I've just become too jaded but I'm just not into it this year. Maybe its because of the many problems I've gone through in the last few months or I've finally let go of that child in me who still celebrates birthdays.

I just don't know. What I just wanted before was to have a small celebration with family and friends. Someone who will give me a balloon bouquet, someone who will bring me cake, someone who will give me simple gifts, and someone who will prepare all of this without me being involved. Is that too much to ask? =p

So you out there, why don't you grab a slice of cake and tell me about your best birthday ever.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

dream a lil dream

When I was a kid, I dreamt of becoming a flight attendant. I wanted to wear that cute lil outfit and fly from continent to continent for free. Then I realized that they were glorified helpers in a plane and decided that I'd rather be on the other end of the table.

I dreamt of becoming an executive secretary next. I know. Pretty weird for someone who was boyish and who could outpunch anyone in grade school. I wanted to be with the boss when there are dinnner meetings and look all fancy in a smashing outfit. Then I realized that I'd rather be the boss.

Next on my list of dreams was to be chef. I wanted to whip up fancy meals and served them to oohh's and aahhh's of people. I even dipped my hand at baking and was a bit successful at it. Then I realized that I really didn't have a signature dish and nothing I cook sets apart what I make from that of everyone else. Yes it was good but it was not mindblowing.

Then I wanted to be a reporter. You know, the one who's all poised and all that even with people killing each other behind her back. I wanted to report things as they were happening. Then Edsa 3 happened and my Mom saw these reporters with head wounds from the commotion. Poof! There goes my dream.

Lastly, I wanted to be a lawyer. Yes, a crimila lawyer and though I did pass the entrance test to take Pre-Law, my family was just too winded up and paranoid to let me. They had pictures of my car blwoing up soon as I get in. Tsk tsk.

So now, where am I? I work for the BPO of one of the largest banks in the world, handling all the complaints of our customers. Am I happy? I'm grateful for the fact that I have a job but to say that I am in love with what I do would be an overstatement. I'm grateful. Let's leave it at that.

What were your dreams?

Monday, October 22, 2007

stay in the room

I just saw an Oprah Primetime episode discussing a short film called Room 10. In the show, they showed a clip where an old man was speaking to a nurse. He was holding his wife's hand who was in a coma and he said to the nurse that he was happy that he was the one holding her hand after all these years.

The nurse then replies, you were lucky. He answers "Luck is the excuse of a lazy man who doesn't want to work. Luck has nothing to do with it. It's hard work. You get tired. tired of seeing the same person cross the room, tired of the same old stories, tired of the same fights." And she replies, "so there really is no secret?" He answers, "Yes there is. Stay in the room."

It seems so simple right? Stay in the room, don't leave, hold on, stay strong. Why is it then the hardest thing to do? Why do we immeidately head for the door when the going gets tough? Why do we hurt the one person we need to love the most? Why is it so hard to stay in the room?

Sunday, October 21, 2007

be my reason to dream

Has anyone ever told you that? How would you feel? How did it make you feel? Did you feel good about it or did it put a lot of pressure on you? Did it make you happy or sad because you did not want to be that person's reason for dreaming?

Modesty aside, I've been told this a lot of times in my past. Always, when I hear these words, I feel a lil tingle inside because it is such a romantic thing to hear and it makes me feel that I have touched a life or two. Sadly, when I part ways with the person, I then feel bad because oftentimes, that person will start letting go of their dreams.

On the other hand, I have yet to meet someone who has been able to make me say these words. I don't know. I've always dreamt for myself and now for my son. My son is my own so he kind of doesn't count. I think it's but natural that you dream for your son.

What about you? Have you met someone who was able to make you say, "you're my reason for dreaming?"

Saturday, October 20, 2007

reasons and season

There are some people in your life that would pass by, making you think that they will be there forever. There ar some people who pass by and stay, making you wish they won't be there forever. Whatever the reason is, I firmly believe that each person who passes by in your life has something to teach you, something to tell you, and something to share with you. It may be something good, it may be something heartbreaking; or it may be something insignificant but always, there will be something you will get from that person.

I often wonder why there were people in my life whom I wanted to keep and whom I thought would be a friend forever but soon, much too soon, they leave. Oftentimes, I feel heartbroken when they do and I convince myself to not let myself be hurt by someone, only to find myself being friends with someone new. I just pray that if this new person is someone I wanna keep, fate will let me.

Have you ever had that one person you wonder about from time to time? You know, that one person you think of someone who could have been a lifelong friend but as easily as they ease into your life, they were gone just as quick? Tell me your story.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Scrapbook Materials

Got some new ones that were dirt cheap ... Php15 only .... beat that!

And I also got some cloth materials that are just so nice ... I think I'm gonna use them as belts or scarves ...
Really lovely colors no? And the fabric are just so rich ...

Saturday, October 13, 2007

got to believe in magic

Have you ever wondered what makes two complete strangers fall in love with each other? What is it aout that other person that made him stand out from the rest? Why did you choose that person to be the one in your life? Was it the way he looked at you; the way he smelled; the way his eyes lit up? Was it a line he said? A funny moment perhaps? Or was it that time you fell from the stairs and he rushed over to help you out, all worried that you may have hurt yourself? Could it be that he hates the way your consume coffee and yet he buys one because he knows it would make you smile?

Whatever it may be, I hope you will remember what it was that made you fall in love. If you have time, maybe you can even share it with me.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Who are you?

So tell me, who are you? What makes you tick? What makes you laugh? what makes you smile? I'm curious to know who my readers are (the very few but loyal.) Consider it a birthday gift since my birthday is quite near.

Grab a hot cup of coffee, tea, or chocolate and tell me, who are you?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

if ...

If you have never failed, then you probably have not been "fighting" in the right "weight" class with the best competition. If you have never been hurt, then you have probably never gone after something that you loved. If you have never been frightened, then you have probably never put yourself on the line or cared about something enough to - - win or lose - - simply give it everything you've got. You know, give it your all. If you have never fallen, , then you have not grown or learned how to get up. If you have never lost, then you probably have not taken enough chances.

So if learning and living involves so much "failing" and faltering, how do you know if you've ever done anything right? You would know when you fall - - you fall, but your heart, it dances.

So keep falling and keep on dancing. Do you think your heart has danced enough?

* taken from a book I received today from a newfound friend. Ü

To those who know how to knit, please participate in this worthy endeavor by a good blogging friend of mine, GrayMama.

Monday, October 8, 2007

want some cupcakes?

(missing cupcakes was eaten by SO)

When I was a child, we would have cupcakes for merienda fromt ime to time. It was a special treat that we would get when we behaved or had really high grades. I would look forward to it since it was a rare occasion. My family was not poor by any means but we were not as well off as my other classmates as well. Back then, we had to earn w"treats" and in some ways, it helped us strived to be better since we knew that if you worked hard enough, there would be something that good in store for you.

Now that I am a Mom myself to B (my baby boy), I would probably do the same thing to him when he starts school. I don't want him to be a spoiled brat, hence, he should earn the rewards that will be given to him or the ones that he will desire so he would know the value of things.

For now, since he is still my adorable baby boy, he can have a cupcake or two if he wants simply because he is such a precious gift that keeps me inspired. As for you, why not grab one and tell me a story from your childhood.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

to holding on ...

Someday I will smile and find the warmth of my smile reflected back to me. Someday I will reach out and find that I only have to reach halfway for someone will be reaching out to me. Someday I will find the true meaning of the word love that many use so carelessly. Someday I will find someone with whom I can share. But for now I must try to know myself and the world around me. So when the time comes for me to give I will know the meaning of my gift.

I've decided to create a new blog because of all the turmoil that I've been through lately. I was watching a concert last night with my SO (significant other) and it was titled Inspired and the artists was just overflowing with so much happiness and inspiration that I thought, why not change the title of my blog to Inspired and be just like him?

And so this first post goes out to everyone who has had their heart broken and still believe that somwhere out there, there is one person meant for them; that that person you fought with vehemently this morning is the same person you will cuddle with tonight; that that person who made you cry buckets of tears will also be the same one who will wipe it away. To us ladies, for our inner strength in holding on to our SO, cheers!

Monday, October 1, 2007

ber months are coming

I am so happy. Yes, I am! I am so happy because finally things are starting to fall back into its rightful place. Hubby and I are okay now and it seems that he is changeing for the better. He even got me tickets to the Christian Bautista concert. He also got me some cd's that I have been wanting to buy and has exerted effort to being a sweeter hubby.

On that note, these ornaments that you are seeing on top are actually ornaments that I got from our visit to Tiendesitas. Guess how much they are? PHP20.00 each. Whee! So cheap and yet such a good find. I love cheap thrills. Hehe. Those of you who read my blog should know that.

Don't you think it's nice? Are you starting to get Xmas stuff?
Mommy Len said...
Nice to know that things are going well between you and hubby. Happy for you my dear!
Blogger Mike Abundo said...
Oh, good. You had us all worried there for a while. In my relief, I'm willing to overlook the fact that you mentioned Christian Bautista. :P

Thankfully, I'm spared the hype that makes people celebrate winter in a tropical country in October. :)

Saturday, September 22, 2007

letting go

Finally, I am letting you go.

It hurts so much to do that but I need to let you go. I need to release your hold on my heart, your power to hurt me needs to be freed. I cannot survive another day with you being able to twsit and turn my insides with a comment or a stare. I need to do this for myself and my son.

I did fight for this relationship and this love. I wanted to give it a chance to work out but not at the expense of my own happiness. I just cannot love you that way anymore. I did that before and look where it got me. You still fell in love with someone else.

You know what though, if I could be assured again that you would never hurt me the way you did, I would let go of everything to be with you. But you cannot give me that. You won't even try to change for us.

And so, I must let you go.

Mike Abundo said...
I'm not sure what's going on, old friend, but I'm here for you.
at 12:36 AM

Ana Shariah said...
Oh Kens you make me cry...Don't worry, it's going to be ok. You're already on your way to merging the outside-only and the onve-upon-a-time- inside happy you. :)
at 4:52 AM

Mommy Len said...
I'm sorry for what's happening to you right now. Stay strong my dear friend, you can survive this. *hugs*
at 10:39 PM

Daiz said...
I thought things were getting better for you but I guessed wrong. If this would make you happy and you think it's best for Brent, then it's a good decision. Good luck!
at 8:33 AM

Daddy Forever said...
I'm so sorry Kay. Not all guys are like that. You'll find the right one someday and he'll make you happy again.
at 3:06 PM

zhasha said...
i hope its not what am thinkin... hope this is not the end of your beautiful love story.. both of you should work things out.. its not the woman who should always compromise.. do not make your life miserable because of wrong decisions.. think about hoping things can still be fixed.. let your love for each other bring back the warmth of your relationship.. hugs..
at 3:16 AM

wayabetty said...
I'm so sorry that you're going through this tough time. Hang in there!
at 10:08 AM

Thursday, September 20, 2007


I long for the days when I used to believe, when I was still naive and thought that love could conquer everything.

I long for the days when you used to hold me in your arms and whispered sweet nothings . . . words that pierced my heart and went to the very core of my being.

I long for the time when you would look deep into my eyes and tell me that you can't imagine living a life without me, that I was your first priority and I believed you.

I long for those days when I still believed in love and all the promises that it brings. I long for that feeling.

I long for the words.
I long . . . for love.

Daddy Forever said...
I long for those days too. Sometimes, it seems like we lost that loving feeling after we had kids.
at 12:17 PM

zhasha said...
i feel for you.. true love is what you deserve!
at 3:19 AM

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

my muse: Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep..

Tonight I Can Write

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,
'The night is shatteredand the blue stars shiver in the distance.
'The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one
I held her in my armsI kissed her again
and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night,
still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all.
In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain,
but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's.

Like my kisses before. Her voide. Her bright body.
Her inifinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one

I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Daddy Forever said...
You sound like a hopeless romantic. I hope you find love again soon. Have a nice weekend.
at 12:21 PM

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

flighty friends

This girl used to be my Monday date.Something reassuring and comforting with starting the week with a friendly chat over a cup of coffee. What I love most about this girl though is that I can call her in the middle of the night simply because I'm scared shitless about something or I'm bored and couldn't sleep or I'm waiting for hubby to get home and she'll be all ready to chat.
We've had a falling out early this year but when she learned that I was going through a very rough patch, she sent me a message over ym reminding me that she is still there for me. I am so grateful that she is back in my life coz I need all the love I can get right now.

Daddy Forever said...
It's great she was there for you when you needed a friend. We could always use more friends, right?
Blogger zhasha said...
its always great to have that bessie to stick by you especially during those times of our lives..

there's nothing greater than havin'a faithful, true and loving bessie!

this picture made me miss my bessie..

Love you girlfriend. To being friends for life no matter what!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

someday someone's gonna love me

I hope that one day ... some guy will give a letter like this to my lil sis when she's at that age where love starts to look appealing. If that happens, then she should keep that guy forever.

I hate how much power she has over me.
I hate how her hair smells so good,
but I can't put it in a bottle to take around with me
so I can take a whiff of it everytime
I need something comforting.

I hate how she can get away with the craziest,
meanest things with a little twirl of her hair
and her impish smile and devilish little eyes.

I hate it when I start feeling so small
and alone when we're apart.
I hate it when she hurts.
I hate it worse when it's me she's hurting about.

Daddy Forever said...
Love it. I should save it and rewrite on a card for my wife.
at 2:57 PM

Thursday, September 13, 2007

the power of holding hands

I was sitting on a beach one summer day, watching two children, a boy and a girl, playing in the sand. They were hard at work building an elaborate sandcastle by the water's edge, with gates and towers and moats and internal passages. Just when they had nearly finished their project, a big wave came along and knocked it down, reducing it to a heap of wet sand. I expected the children to burst into tears, devastated by what had happened to all their hard work. But they surprised me. Instead, they ran up the shore away from the water, laughing and holding hands, and sat down to build another castle. I realized that they had taught me an important lesson. All the things in our lives, all the complicated structures we spent so much time and energy creating, are built on sand. Only our relationships to other people endure. Sooner or later, the wave will come along and knock down what we have worked so hard to build up. When that happens, only the person who has somebody's hand to hold will be able to laugh.

"When I lost you. I was the one who loved you most,
but between us you lost more...
For someday I can love someone the way I loved you...
But you will never be loved again the way that I did."

*** this was taken from another blog ... just wanted to share it with you guys. Below is a poem I made before when I was brokenhearted back in high school.

I wanted to see you
But when I looked
You weren't there.

I wanted to hold you
But when I reached out
You weren't there
I wanted to speak to you
But when I was talking
You weren't there

I wanted to kiss you
But when I attempted
You weren't there

I wanted to love you
But when I tried to
You were never there.

long distance relatives

This is Tyrell Jayden ... my nephew. Ain't he adorable? I've never seen him in person since he lives halfway around the world, in London. I wish though that one day, I will get to hold him. hopefully, before he can protests and tell me that he's too old to be smothered by his Aunt.
Below is my cousin Paok with TJ. Aren't they sweet? Paok is my closest cousin, maybe because we're only a year apart in age and we're both loonies. I miss him. Especially with what I went through in the last month. I wished that I was able to talk to him.
And here is his lovely wife ... I hope to meet you soon girl. I hope we get along coz it seems to methat you make my cuz happy. Ü

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

a day with B

The tornado was able to attend a birthday party after two years of being invited to one. We trooped to McDonald's with me imagining that he will surely love to play with the other kids. Boy was I wrong. My son apparently has become anti social. He opted to play by himself and was happy just running after a balloon. There goes the Mr Friendship award that I was planning to honor him with. Lol!
Afterwards, we went to Tiendesitas and shopped around. It is such a lovely place save for the fact that there is no aircon and the weather is really tropical so it's not a good combination. You will forgive them though when you see the massive choice of novelty items, pets, clothes, furnitures, and what have you that they have to offer. Here is a [icture of the tornado stretching after walking for hours.

Daiz said...
Wow, laki na ni B. I guess he's not used to other kids so he was quite anti-social. You should let him play with kids/cousins.
at 1:58 PM

Mike Abundo said...
Not wanting to be around people isn't always being antisocial. Some people just need less social interaction than others. :)
at 12:17 AM

Sunday, September 9, 2007

hot as fire, cold as ice

Do you have that one person who you never thought could be a friend of yours? Is there that one person in your life who simply amazes you because you are now friends? I have one such person whom I met where I work. She is that one person whom if someone had told me 4 months ago I'd be friends with, I'd have simply answered with "are you crazy?" It was that inconceivable. Fast forward to the present times and I've realized that she is one of those gems that most of the time is left unturned or undiscovered. So to you RJ, may our hot white mocha and iced chocolate forever mix. Ü

LoveMyStarr said...
What a sweet post. Sounds like really good friend.
at 4:39 AM

Saturday, September 8, 2007


I was reading a book called Heartbreak when it made me realize that I have had those moments before. You know, the really tragic ones that till now, you are unable to laugh at when you remember. This is one of my most tragic heartbreaks. I hope that you will learn from it or maybe even a shed a tear with me as you read it.

It was a Sunday back when I was a junior in college. We were visiting my Dad at his place when he and me Mom had one of their infamous fights over nothing. Seriously, it was a simple misunderstanding that escalated into one huge fight that ended with them deciding to once AGAIN, part ways. To my 20 year old mind, it was the end of the world.

So upon getting home and composing myself to not bawl like a baby, I decided to call J. Yes, J, my college sweetheart back then. We had broken up but we were still talking and being friends, or convincing ourselves that we were friends. So I called him and upon asnwering he said, "guess what?" So I say what and he tells me, "Tin and I are together now."

Complete devastation. Serious, mind numbing complete devastation. Why? I'm pretty sure you are asking me why? My heart literally broke into a million pieces for the simple reason that Tin was my best buddy in collefe and now she is with J, my college sweetheart.

If that ain't tragic, I don't know what is. You, do you have any tragic heartbreaks to tell?

Sunday, September 2, 2007

happy birthday MIL

So there you go ... my MIL celebrated her birthday last week and it was very simple seeing as the main person who makes a big deal out of all birthdays was a tad bit too busy ... me. Hehehe ... I did get her a cake and a necklace and that magic sing thing. So now, if I can only find time, I can practice my singing prowess or what's left of it since I've been smoking a wee bit regularly to ease all the stress I've been feeling and feeding into my life.

I was reading past entries of mine and I realized that I was much happier then than I am now. Sure, at work it seems I am much more cheerful but then again, I've always been a good actress. I sort of miss the old me ... the one who was happy inside and not the one who is happy outside only.

Do you have any idea how I can get her back and merge her with the happy only outside me?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

happy birthday Ida!

We all had a blast celebrating Ida's birthday at the Fort. First, we ate at Trio and had the most sumptous pasta. I swear, it was real good. Unofortunately, I forgot to take a picture of the food. I'll get one when I go back. Then we were off to Cuisine to hang out and kill time before the dancing started. It was so much fun to not think about work and all the stress that came with it. I sure hope this happens again.

So to you Ida, Happy birthday and I sure hope we'll be working harmoniously for a very long time. You are the coolest! Ü Thank you for making life easier at work.

mini cake ordered by our other MO

Monday, August 20, 2007

building anticipation

Today, my alarm went off at 5:30 am but I didn't mind. After all, for the first time in 3 years, I was going to the gym to work out. Last night, I laid out all the stuff that I needed, making sure that I had everything I need to have.

Rubber shoes, check. Socks that were cute and comfy, check. Leggings, check. Shirt, check. Gym bag, check. Water bottle, check. ID, check. Toiletries, check. I was ready and raring to go. I brought my trusty iPod to ensure that I would be pumped up. I was already imagining myself running gracefully (this is a much needed lie coz in reality, I'd probably be as graceful as a buffalo on rollerskates) on the treadmill and doing the cardio striptease with ease.

6:30 am - - Hubby brought me to the place and I started climbing three flights of stairs without complaining. It was after all a way to get my blood pumping. When I saw the door, there stood my angel ready to welcome me to the world of fitness. He opened his mouth and I was ready to say thank you for the warm welcome that he was sure to give me. He said, "Ma'am, we're open at 10am today due to the Holiday."


There goes my 1st gym experience after 3 years of being a lazy couch potato.

building anticipation

Today, my alarm went off at 5:30 am but I didn't mind. After all, for the first time in 3 years, I was going to the gym to work out. Last night, I laid out all the stuff that I needed, making sure that I had everything I need to have.

Rubber shoes, check. Socks that were cute and comfy, check. Leggings, check. Shirt, check. Gym bag, check. Water bottle, check. ID, check. Toiletries, check. I was ready and raring to go. I brought my trusty iPod to ensure that I would be pumped up. I was already imagining myself running gracefully (this is a much needed lie coz in reality, I'd probably be as graceful as a buffalo on rollerskates) on the treadmill and doing the cardio striptease with ease.

6:30 am - - Hubby brought me to the place and I started climbing three flights of stairs without complaining. It was after all a way to get my blood pumping. When I saw the door, there stood my angel ready to welcome me to the world of fitness. He opened his mouth and I was ready to say thank you for the warm welcome that he was sure to give me. He said, "Ma'am, we're open at 10am today due to the Holiday."


There goes my 1st gym experience after 3 years of being a lazy couch potato.

Judy Thomas said...
You poor thing! At least there was somebody there and you didn't just face a locked door and no explanation. Good luck ARE going back tomorrow, yes??? :-)
at 9:06 AM

if I believed in paradise

... I wouldn't be hurting right now ... feeling every inch of my heart breaking and trying to patch itself only to be trampled by your reckless actions and words

.... I wouldn't suffer humiliation in front of my friends whenever you get upset over something.... you would love me the way I deserved to be loved

.... you would learn to swallow your pride and say sorry instead of waiting for me to be the one to wave the white flag

.... we would all be happy and not just pretending to be okay

.... then tears wouldn't be running down my face right now, my heart won't be aching, and my dreams would still be intact.But I no longer believe in paradise

... i wonder if I ever will again.


Oldqueen44 said...
Wow... You don't sound so good. I would like to suggest to you to read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Doctor Laura. Also... Created To Be His Helpmeet"These books are difficult to read for a contemporary woman but they will help you to understand the dynamics of married life. Men and women are so different in their thinking. Take charge, be proactive. Don't give up, trust God to have the very best for you. That is what he has planned for you. Friends come in all shapes and sizes for all kinds of reasons. Some are for a life time and some are for just a season. It is a hard concept to accept but once you settle on why friends come and go it will make the going part easier. I figure I always have to give 100% in a friendship. If the time comes that I realize that person is not interested in being bosom buddies I let the friendship drift. There will be another person around the corner that desires the friendship I have to offer. You have to think about what you can offer others rather than why they are not being the friend you need. All that being said I feel your pain about the loss of friendships. I have a friend that has been very intertwined in my life for 20 years. In the past 2-3 years things have changed. It has been a big adjustment to me but I am accepting that God had us bonded for a period for specific reasons and now it is time to move on. It really is OK. It is not the end of the friendship, the dynamics are just different now.Be a good mother. Be good to yourself physically and emotionally. Read those books and trust that things can be better.
at 3:44 AM

Daddy Forever said...
Sounds like you really hurting. So sorry. I hope you find paradise again even though you don't believe in it right now.
at 12:26 PM

Heart of Rachel said...
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope life will lead you to a better road, away from pain.
at 12:14 AM

Sunday, August 19, 2007


This post is a tribute to the men whose lives were once intertwined with mine.

Someday, someone's gonna love you the way you wanted me to love you. Someday, you will realize that when I broke your heart, I was actually opening the door to a better world for you. I hope that someday you will find the girl you've been looking for, the one who will make you feel the love you felt for me, if not even more.

To M, thank you for opening the world of love to me when I felt I was not ready. You were my high school sweetheart and you will always be. You were my first heartbreak as well and it took me over two years just to get over you. I still think of you from time to time, wondering if you are happy with her, hoping that you are because I still care for you. I know you don't know this but my heart broke when you sent me that last text, 7 years after we broke up. I knew that it was the last time I would hear from you and 3 years later, you've never made your presence felt. You will always have a special place in my heart.

To J, you saved me from obsessing over M. Getting to you though was an arduous trip. I had to break someone's heart and a lifetime friendship. I am sorry about that. I was vindictive and petty. I think I still am but I'm learning to control it. Thank you for showing me that I am worthy of loving and fighting for. Thank you for accepting me at my lowest moments in life. Thank you for proving to me that some good things never last. I've learned that lesson the hard way but it has made me a stronger person as well.

To R, you were the perfect guy, the one guy every girl dreams of having. Romantic, sweet,real, funny, thoughtful, educated, loyal, faithful, and puts the relationship first before anything. Unfortunately, we were just two different creatures with too different tastes. One of us had to change 360 degrees just to be with the other. I couldn't let you live that lie your whole life. I knew you were willing but it was unfair to you. So I had to let you go.

To all three of you, you have shaped me to be the woman that I am now. you have in your own ways made me who I am as a person. For that, I am forever grateful. For the tears that I've shed for you, some of it was worth all the pain while some were not. But every single tear I've shed has made me stronger and better.

I hope that you can say the same thing for me but I know that in your own ways, you will never be able to forgve me for hurting you. I'm sorry. I hope that you can let go of the pain so that you will have room for love, for that one woman who will change everything.Till then, someday ... I hope someone will love you the way you wanted me to love you.

Heart of Rachel said...
I've had my share of heartaches too. I have learned from the pain and somehow I have become a better person ... I would like to believe so.
at 3:47 PM

LauraJ said...
how sweet was this? You are a treasure to behold my dear!
at 10:27 PM

Thursday, August 16, 2007

empty promises

Why do friendships end? How can two people who get along so well, and have so much in common that they can spend the rest of the day drinking coffee and trading stories suddenly find themselves not being able to go beyond the casual hi's and hello's? Why is it so easy to tell someone that I will be your friend no matter what and then be able to turn your back on that person just as easily? Why do friends have to fall in love and fall out? Why is it so hard to forgive a friend who betrayed you? Why is it that we always choose our significant other over our so called best friend?I have lost so many friends over the years. Some are just floating, still within reach. Others have really drifted, and is way beyond my reach. Some come back but I'm hesitant to reach out, fearing for the safety of my own heart.Why does this have to happen? Why must we kiss? Why must we fall in love knowing that it can never be? Why must we fight? Why must we analyze every single nuance of a word, an action? Why must we put more importance in what we think is right over what we call our friendship? Why does pride get in the way? How can we fix this broken chain?Lastly, tell me why must you make me believe in words that we both know are just empty promises?

Judy Thomas said...
{{hugs}} It's hard when forever friendships and loves turn out not to be. But the only way to completely protect yourself from the possibility of being hurt is also to cut yourself from the possibility of feeling love from friends. That's not fair to you. I love you... and I'm here for you .. email me if you need to.
at 10:19 AM

VAIL said...
I have been close to where you are at. Neither side is an easy one to be on. Both are confusing and stressful. Thought you may like a "poem" I posted a few months ago . . .
at 11:12 AM

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

silver lining on the horizon

There's always a silver lining after a storm. I think that's how the saying goes. After a month of storm, I can now say that I see the sun starting to shine. I have my family back and I am secured once more. This does not mean that I will take the security I have for granted. To some it may sound superficial and maybe it is but I feel that I need to do this.

Men are indeed visual creatures and when the person that they spend most of their time with is no longer that appealing, they will tend to look elsewhere. Hence, I'll do my best to make sure that if he does look another way, he will find it very hard to do so. I have to admit that I have let go of my appearance for the past 2 years or so, always thinking that he loves me for what I am and can accept that I am a massive blob.

Unfortunately, this is the real world and my Prince Charming is able to find other Princesses or Wiked Witches I should say. And in this real world, women have to take care of their looks, hence risking the fact that their own Prince Charming may be wooed away by the Wicked Witch of the West.

Lesson learned for me and I hope it will be a wake up call to all the woman out there. Yes, you may not be married to someone who values physical as well as what is inside. Yes, you may be married to someone who swears you are the only one. My question though is, are you willing to risk the possibility of your Prince findng someone simple because you do not have time to look good for him? I would suggest that you do not do that. Or if it sounds superficial ... think of it this way. When we go to parties or functions, we make an effort to look good right? Can we not do the same for our own Prince?

Your thoughts?

Thursday, August 2, 2007

should I stay or should I go?

How long does it take for someone to say, "I love you" and mean it? Does it take a moment, a wday, a week, a month, a year, or a lifetime? How do you know that it really is love? How do you know it's not just infatuation or deep desire? How do you know that when you promise to honor somone, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse .... that they really mean it? That you really mean it?

I love her but I chose you and our family because I felt guilty and I know that it was wrong. I still love you too. I've just been complacent coz I knew that you would never leave me because you love me.

What does that mean? How can you fall in love with someone you met 2 weeks ago and had an affair with for a week? You had stolen moments. You had lil time. how can you know someone well enough to fall in love with them in such a short time? Why was it in two weeks you were able to give her the things I've been asking from you? Time, attention, effort, kisses, and hugs.

Why couldn't you do the same for me? You said I was a good partner, that I took care of you and everything else. You said I was too good that you felt too secured. Why did you have to hurt me this way? I feel so broken ... I feel so lost.Why?

Judy Thomas said...
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} My dear friend, I do understand what you are going through and I hurt for you. There are no easy answers to this kind of pain and betrayal. If you want to email or call me, I'm here for you. Praying God's strenghth for you as you face this and try to figure out what to do.I love you.
at 10:34 AM

Daddy Forever said...
I'm sorry Kay. I really am. I don't think you can fall in love with someone you just met. And I don't understand how he can cheat and still say he loved you. Be strong, Kay. I hope you find happiness and love again soon.

at 2:28 PM
May said...
Kay, {{{Hugsss}}} I texted you. Hope you got it.

at 2:55 PM
Vader's Mom said...
Prayers. Lots and lots of prayers.

at 7:01 AM
Nerina said...
oh girl, i dont know what to tell you except that im here for u and i love u loads!friendster me ur fone number so i can call you. love yahnerina
at 9:06 AM
Mec said...

i don't really have answers to your questions...all i know is that choosing to love someone is a choice you have to make everyday, otherwise, the love itself will weaken... the relationship itself may die...hopefully, there will be people to help you guys through this... marriages CAN survive infidelity if both of you really work on it... I can't really tell you to forgive him outright, and I can't tell you not to forgive him either... this is something that you and your partner will really have to decide upon and work on...I just hope, you both make the right decision... and you both end up happy pa din... in time :)
at 2:28 PM

wayabetty said...
I'm so sorry Kay! Hang in there my friend!

at 6:43 PM
Heart of Rachel said...
My heart goes out for you Kay. I hope that God will help you make the right decision.
at 9:16 PM

Biker Betty said...
{{{hugs}}} to you Kay. I've been away from the blogosphere for a while and sorry to read about your troubles. What he did is very hurtful and sometimes these things only happen once and never again. Listen to your instincts. If you get a rash thought, wait a day to make sure. I'll be praying for you.
at 2:44 PM

Judy Thomas said...
I'm just checking in to see how you are doing. Email me if you want: maracujabr at hotmail dot com
at 11:41 AM

Sunday, July 29, 2007

all out of love

They say that when you love someone, your patience grows because you learn to give way to the idiosyncracies of that person. They say you become saintly because you learn to forgive easily. They say that you become a martyr because you would rather sacrifice yourself in favor of the other person's feelings. They say this and they say that.

They say too that true love never dies. They say that love is unconditional and that no matter how many times you get hurt, you will be able to forgive your love one and move on. What if you can't do it anymore? What if that person was able to numb you to a point where you no longer care? What if that person was able to hurt you so bad that you just don't feel anything anymore? Are you still inlove with that person then? Do you still love that person? Or has that person manage to squeeze out all the love you have for him? If yes, how could it have been love in the first place?

I know a lot would say "move on then!" Leave him! Get someone much better. If only it was that easy. If only it was as easy as packing your stuff and moving out. What if it's not? What if there are other people involved? What if there are a lot of other people who will get hurt? What if there is one perfect lil angel that would be most devastated?

What are you to do then?


Ninotchka said...
Oh man. I have no answers. Just sending you lots of love and light to hopefully see you through this tough time. If only it were enough!
at 11:49 PM

Nerina said...
girl, i know how it feels. u need to sit yourself down and ask yourself, is it love? or are u just so used to him being around that you're so attached. it is very very very easy to confuse love and attachment. and think about it, would this angel be happier in a home with 1 parent who is happy and content? or in a house where where things arent great?dont use ur angel to make u stay. to keep u together. do what u have to do to make sure your angel has the happiest life possible. whether its with 1 parent or 2. love u girl, im here for u. -nerina
at 6:40 AM

Judy Thomas said...
{{{{hugs}}}} I don't have any easy answers. You have to do what you have to do. Sometimes that means hurting other people. Sometimes that means hurting yourself while trying to hold everything together. The hard thing is... if you are hurting yourself, you're not going to be what you need to be for that precious little one. And, sometimes people can hurt you so bad, all you can do is protect yourself. Only the person involved can know how much is too much and when to call it a day. I love you.
at 9:16 AM

May said...
Kay sweetie, missed you! What's wrong? *cry* It's not clear, I can only make assumptions. I hope I'm wrong! :( It's a temporary fix, whatever it is okay? Hang in there.
at 9:37 AM

Daiz said...
Being a mom is hard enough, but raising a kid alone is a lot harder. I should know. Are things really irrepairable between you and B's dad? Maybe you could talk about it and work things out. But if being together harms your son more than it benefits him, then I guess it's time to move on. I'm sure you'll come out fine through this hard time in your life. Good luck!
at 9:45 AM

graymama said...
{{{{Hugs}}}}I think what matters most is what you say, think and feel. Listen to your heart and do what feels right.Here is one of my favorite quotes about love:"Spontaneous and honest love admits errors, hesitations, and human failings; it can be tested and repaired. Idealized love ties us because we already intuit that it is unreal and are afraid to face this truth."--Nancy Friday
at 12:34 PM

zhasha said...
am hoping that you and hubby would work it out.. you sure do have a beautiful family to keep.. don't let selfishness and pride break your happy sure you both love each other... and you equally love your lil tornado.. havin' said that, LOVE is still worth all our sacrifices.. just remember the day you first learned that you love him.. feel that same love.. then.. forgive... then love him more... from the bottom of my heart, i pray that things will all go well and perfect..hugs for you kay!!!
at 9:43 PM

Mommy Len said...
Having a family has always it's trials, be strong and think really hard before you make a decision. I know it's not easy especially when you're thinking of you li'l angel. I hope you'll make the right choice. Keep on praying and I'm sure you'll find the right answer. *hugs & prayers*
at 3:07 PM

Haze said...
i don't want to assume the worst. i can't say everything's going to be alright when i don't know the whole story. but then, as a friend, all i could give is a warm hug and a prayer for you and your angel. hang in there dear. and let's hope for the best. be strong. *big hug* to you and lil tornado.
at 4:11 PM

Heart of Rachel said...
Hi Kay. I'm sorry to read the sadness in your words. Love is always worth fighting for at some point but you will also know when it is enough.Hope everything will work out for the best. God bless.
at 9:14 PM

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

certified potterholic

I know this is silly for a Mom to be thinking of but I seriously am thinking of buying this. If my team would do well, I think I can actually get this. Hmmm ...

The listing price is $195 but Barnes & Noble has a discounted preorder of $136.50. Amazon has it for $120.

It's worth it. Seriously.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

a creed to live by

Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different and that each of us is special.

Don’t let your goals be what other people deem important, only you know what’s best for you.

Don’t take for granted the things close to your heart, cling to them as you would your life for without them, life is meaningless.

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past of for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.

Don’t give up when you have something to give, nothing is really over until the moment you stopped trying.

Don’t be afraid to admit you’re less perfect, it is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking chances that we learn to be brave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.The quickest way to receive love, is to give love, the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly, and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don’t dismiss your dreams, to be without dreams, is to be without hope; to be without hope, is to be without a purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast that you forget not only where you’ve been, but also where you’re going.


*** I don't know who wrote this but if you can give me the name, it would be much appreciated.

Monday, July 16, 2007

overcoming fears

Just a few minutes ago, I have conquered a huge fear I've had since I was a lil girl. Yes, the kind of fear that leaves you paralyzed or has you screaming your head off like a banshee. The kind that has you imagining things or not being able to sleep simply because you know its there, waiting to jump at you the moment you start snoring.

I never thought I could do it. But I guess after giving them power over me for the past 26 years has finally taken its toll. So a few minutes ago, upon realizing that I had to leave the safety of my dreams coz I needed to pee badly and realizing that it was the only thing standing in the way, I realized I had to do it.

After 26 years, I finally killed a roach.

Vader's Mom said...
I so sorry you had to overcome THAT fear, but I'm proud of you for doing it!!!
at 7:17 AM

Mommy Len said...
I'm also scared of roaches, arggh... but sometimes when badly needed, i can kill the ones that crawl. when i saw a sign that their about to fly, i know that it's also a sign for me to run and just be a coward.
at 10:02 PM

May said...
LOL, pardon me laughing Kay.. it was jost so serious at first. Hey, hey, big leap for you, mwahuggs!
at 11:19 PM

Heart of Rachel said...
Oh my, we share the same fears Kay. I'm terrified of them! Good for you! I know how hard that must have been.
at 10:23 AM

graymama said...
Good for you :-) Sounds like my fear of spiders. EEK!
at 11:52 AM

Sunday, July 15, 2007

B's 2nd Birthday

Here's a peek to what happened. I say peek coz I don't have enough energy to do more than that. I also wanna apologize to my blog friends whom I have not visited. Rest assured its because I am drowning with too much work but I will get back in the blogosphere once things pipe down ... I think in August. So for now, show me you love me guys. Mwah!

Friday, July 13, 2007

teaching and learning

In just a day, my baby will turn 2 years old. I ask myself, what have I taught him so far? What has he learned from me? Have I been a good mother? Have I been the mother that he needs me to be? Have I spent enough quality time with him? Do I deserve to be his mother?

I think of these questions and I realize that ... though I may not be perfect (far from it actually) I have strived to be perfect for him. Though I may be lacking in patience, my patience has grown gargantually the past year. I've realized that what matters is that I am working hard to make a living for him, that I play with him when I have the energy to do so, that I know my limitations and will never again force myself to be be uppity up when I'm at ground zero, and that I make him feel loved whenever he's with me.

I've taught him that throwing a tantrum rarely works and that saying sorry via hugs and kisses are indeed effective unless the tantrum thrown was on a huge scale. Then it needs to be 100 kisses and 50 hugs. I've taught him that acceptance of mistake is important and saying "pish" is a must. I've taught him that doodling with a crayon is just as great as running around and wreaking havoc in our orderly house.

In return, I have learned that holding a grudge is really not necessary. I have learned that life is not all about work and that play is very important, if not more important, in life. I've learned to love people and accept them despite their mistakes and imperfections. I've learned not to judge and to shrug it off when I am judged. I've learned that patience is indeed a virtue when waiting for the masterpiece to be done. Lastly, I've learned that you will never know what love really is until you've held a child in your arms and realize that you will do and sacrifice everything for that child.

What have you learned in life?