leaving 2008 ... welcoming 2009

I am leaving to 2008 the following ...

• all the hatred and pain H caused me
  
• all the hatred I feel for H's family and that woman
  
• the pain caused by unfaithfulness
  
• the hatred from the breakup of my Mom and Dad
  
• the worries and unnecessary paranoia
• being overweight ... I will lose weight ...
• the laziness and the manana habit
  

I am welcoming 2009 with ...

• Positivity ... a lot of it. This will be a really good year.
  
• Wealth. I will be more stable this year. I will have savings and clear off all debts.
  
• Good health. I will take better care of myself.
  
• changing my negatives to positives
• maintaining good relationships with the people around me
• GOOD WISHES; for the people I love, the people who love me, and the people who I can afford to live without.
  

HAPPY NEW YEAR! LUCK '09!!!

Faithfulness is love's confidence ...

Trust and love go together. It always does. It is hard to feel one if you don't have one. How can you love someone when you don't trust that person?

how do you love an unloveable?

Since I was a kid, I have been a brat. My Mom tried to change that and succeeded a lil bit but I guess a brat will always be a brat. I did not get what I wanted most in life as a kid and so I bully others into giving me what I wanted when I grew up.

To my classmates, I was that bully who would copy off Math assignments since I hated Math with passion. I was that bully who would ask for P5 to buy some food. I was that bully who tagged someone as "Emily Bacteria" simply because I did not like her.

To my friends, I was that Drama Queen. I loved being the center of attention and my colorful life made it possible that I would talk about myself, my problems, my woes, my heartaches, and how the world was conspiring against me. It was all me, myself, and I. I loved hearing the sound of my voice so to speak and its hard for me to listen to other people's problems when I have a story to tell. When I text with a new woe, they go "Here we go again!"

To my family, I am the baby eventhough I am actually the oldest. I am the fragile one; the one that's easily broken. I am the suicidal one, the manic depressive, the one they need to take care of eventhough I am already 28 years old.

To my coworkers, I am a ticking bomb. I am the one who would flare up immediately at the slightest issue. I am more reactive than proactive. I am the one who's too passionate for her own good.

As a girlfriend, I was too demanding and unreasonable. A friendster testimonial from an ex describes me perfectly as a lover. "K is the epitome of the woman of the new millenium. Strong willed, stubborn to a fault, and she knows what she wants and how to get it. She'll dazzle you with her beauty and charm and leave you speechless with her wit. She leaves otherwise intelligent and sensible men stuttering like babies on ecstasy.She can be the most loving and caring person in your life, but if you get on her bad side, be prepared to face the devil incarnate. Her snobbish looks belie her bubbly teeny bopper interior that refuses to let go of childish pleasures that make the world so wonderful and rich."

My redeeming factors are only that when I want to be sweet, I am really sweet. I am fiercely loyal and I don't know what else anymore. This helps me think that maybe, I am still something good.
I hope that soon I can add more positive things to my list.

unloveable

I am unloveable.

I am a black sheep.

I am domineering.

I am demanding.

I am clingy.

I am unreasonable.

I am unbearable.

I do not listen to reason.

I make Satan look like an angel when I am upset.

I hurt the people I love.

I take them for granted.

I do not appreciate them.

My own Mother cannot tolerate me and bears with me because she has no choice.

No wonder people leave me.

I am unloveable.

priority and options

I need to make myself and my family the center of my world. It used to be that whenever I fall in love, I make the guy the center of my world. I always want to be with him and pamper him and make him happy. It was good when we both wanted the same thing. It's not so good when you don't want the same thing. One comes off as being clingy while the other comes off as being distant. Not a good combination.

What is it with me and making someone else the center of my world? Why do I do that? I shouldn't. I should never make someone my priority if I am just an option to that person. If I do, I will get hurt. The need to step back and detach comes into play. So I will.

I just hope that when I detach, I can still remember to attach when needed.

trust issues

How do you trust someone 100%? How do you believe everything they say and take it to heart? How do you trust someone who is not an immediate family member and know that yes, what they are saying is true?

I used to be able to do that but I got cheated on and lied to and now, I have a hard time doing it. Even when I know that I should be able to trust 100%, scenarios keep playing in my mind. Not good ones too mind you.

So tell me, how?

wayyyy too active ....

If I spend the entire day running after B, I would not just be skinny. I'd be dead.

meeting my Kumare at Trinoma

Yesterday found me bored but a lil bit hesitant to go out since it was really hot. Then I got a text from Rochelle and remembered that I told here we wouild meet at Trinoma which is in the North and I happen to live in the South. It was very close.

So off I went with my lil boy in tow, my lil sis, my lil brother who is not so little and of course Nanny J. We walked towards the jeepney stop and waited 15-20 minutes under the sweltering heat because not a single jeepney passed by that was not full. Apparently all the Filipinos thought the same thing, "Let's all go out and have fun!" Whee! NOT.

So we finally took a tricycle (to see what I'm talking about, click on the links.) It was pretty cramped if I may say so. Then we walked for 5 minutes towards the bus stop and went down in Baclaran and took another jeep and got on the MRT. What should have taken 1.5 hours took 3 hours because of the insane traffic.

So finally we got there and what welcomes us? People looking like ants. Yes, ants coz they were that MANY. It was insane. I actually said out loud, "It's just a freaking mall!" Sheesh.

Finally we got to our destination, Bubba Gump. Rochelle and I met and we had a ppretty good dinner amidst the "Railey, stop that!" and "B, behave!" Food was good and we were pretty full. Here are some pics of the event.

Going home was another disaster waiting to happen. We stopped at the start of the MRT and wasted one hour looking for a ride to Baclaran. We had to resort to going to MOA and then waiting 30more minutes for a cab. It was insane. We had to do so many workarounds just to get home.

Rochelle, its a good thing I love you girl. Lol.

how Xmas day was spent

I woke up this Xmas to my alarm sounding off. I was wondering what the H Fergie was doing singing in my room when I realized it was my alarm set to Labels or Love. I turned it off then saw that I accidentally answered's J's call. He was already walking towards the gate. Lol. So much for preparation.

Soon as I stepped out of the room, I was greeted with a chorus of voices saying, "Namamasko Po!" It means Merry Xmas and we're here to ask for some gifts. Lol. It's a Filipino thing where little kids roam around the village and ask for gifts. Sort of like our version of Trick or Treat only done in December.

I smacked my head coz I completely forgot to prepare candies for the kids. I had to resort to the next best thing; P5 coins. Lol. I think I made some kids happy. And as they say, give and you shall receive.


This is my little sister giving coins to some kids when they sang some Xmas Carols last night. =)

RECAP: Xmas 2008

We had fun though it was short lived. Apparently the people here have low EQ and could not wait to open the gifts. They just ripped the wrappers like there was no tomorrow and boom! It was there. Pics of the gift wrecking, I mean giving, to follow shortly.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone had a blast! =)

our Xmas dinner

My lil brother, the chef, cooked 6 meals for us for our Xmas dinner. It was really really good. We were so full and this was the first batch. We still have more later. We had Carbonara, bread pudding, roasted pork loin, potato salad, and herbed chicken. We also haver some ice cream (five flavors) fruit salad, ube halaya, and leche flan. YUM-O!

the chef

B singing

bonding at ATC

My family and I went to Alabang Town Center yestrerday to watch Mr. David Pomeranz (singer of King and Queen of Hearts, Got to Believe in Magic, and If You Walked Away) perform for free. I brought my Granpa, Grandma, GrandAunt, Mom, lil sister, B, and his nanny. Here are some pictures from our day at ATC.

Mommy with her parents and Aunt C.

Papa and Kianna goofing around with their watermelon shakes.

B and his Nanny J in the seesaw.

B at the slides.

B finally brave enough to ride the carousel. He used to be dead scared of it.

David P singing Got to Believe in Magic

Cold Rock Ice Cream - Php230 (OMG!)

the 7 layer meme

LAYER 1: Tell us your...

* Name: Kay
* Birthday (month, day): October 30
* Birthplace: Cebu
* Current location: South
* Eye color: black
* Hair color: black
* Height: 5'6
* Righty or lefty: righty
* Zodiac sign: Scorpio

LAYER 2: What's...

* Your heritage: Spanish and Chinese
* The shoes you wore today: just Havaiianas
* Your weakness: chocolate and a really good hug
* Your fears: dying, cockroaches, really dark places
* Your perfect pizza: Super Supreme
* Goals you’d like to achieve: having a big nest money
* Your first waking thoughts: I wonder if someone texted?
* Your best physical feature: my smile
* Your most missed memory: hanging out with friends, plucking my Granpa's beard, bonding with people I love

LAYER 3: Do you...

* Smoke: occasionally
* Cuss: yes
* Sing: yes
* Do you think you’ve been in love: YES!
* Did you go to college: yes
* Liked high school: hmm ... yes
* Want to get/stay married: not anymore
* Believe in yourself: trying to
* Think you’re attractive: hmm ... slightly
* Think you’re a health freak: hell no
* Get along with your parent(s): with my Mom
* Like thunderstorms: uhm, not really
* Play an instrument: nope

LAYER 4: In the past month have you…

* Drank alcohol: no
* Smoked: yes
* Done a drug: no
* Made out: yes
* Gone on a date: yes
* Gone to the mall: yes
* Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
* Eaten sushi: yes
* Been on stage: no
* Been dumped: no
* Gone skating: no
* Gone skinny dipping: no
* Stolen Anything: no

LAYER 5: Have you ever…

* Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
* Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
* Been caught “doing something”: yes
* Been called a tease: yes
* Gotten beaten up: yes
* Shoplifted: yes

LAYER 6:

* Age you did get/hope to be married: 25
* Numbers and names of children (either you have or want): 1, B
* Describe your dream mate: someone who gets me
* How do you want to die: in my sleep
* What did you want to be when you grow up: reporter or lawyer
* What country would you most like to visit: Spain, Greece, Italy

LAYER 7: Now tell...

* Name a drug you’ve taken illegally: Ecstasy
* Name a person you could trust with your life: save for my family, Arnold
* Name a favorite CD that you own: Linkin Park
* Number of piercings: 1
* Number of tattoos: 0
* Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: never
* Name a past experience that you regret: way too many to mention

catching up with some friends

It truly is a fun night when I get to meet my best friend from Kindergarten, best friend from high school, and best friend from work. How can it not be?

I have not seen Bugok for some time now and I actually worried that I might have lost touch with him since he resides in Canada now. I was so happy when he called to tell me he was here for a vacation. We met up at Hotel Sopfitel and had dinner in one of the fancy restaurants there. Our taste in food remains the same. We were not that impressed with the taste of the food but we were overwhelmed with the sheer amount of choices given to us. Their buffet consisted of Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Mediterranean, Chinese, and seafood. The seafood was not that fresh though the sushi was.

He is one of the few who knows all my secrets yets accepts me for me.

This is Pua. He is my best friend from high school. We were there for each other's ups and downs and life's revelations. We fought and made up, fought and made up, fought and made up. Lol. He may not always like my decisions but he is always on my side.

Finally, this is Vida - my best friend from work. We worked together for only 4 months but our friendship has lasted almost 5 years. She is godmother to my child and I never regretted getting her to be one. She is my life support and I am so happy to have her in my life.
I am so lucky to have such great friends.

the spirit of gift giving

It's Christmas in a few days and I honestly thought that it would be the 1st Xmas where I won't be able to get anything at all for the people I love. I normally gave out kind of expensive stuff to my family and I was wondering how I will do that now that I am in financial crisis of my own.

I'm glad that I remembered the real reason for Christmas. It's really all about love and giving. Giving of yourself to others, making time for people who matter, and sharing what you have no matter how little it is.

Was I able to get something for them? Of course. Is it something that they will cherish? I hope so. It may not be a lot but its something. And at the end of the day, thats what really matters the most. It's that little something.

PAUSE

My Mom told me that when I am upset, panicking, freaking out, worried, scared, or about to make a huge decision, I need to PAUSE. I need to pause and then pray. When I first heard it, I was like, yeah yeah I know but I didn't really believe it.

Recently, I was in a fight with someone and I said really hurtful words. I know that it was wrong but at that time, I just said it. I didn't really stop to think if it was worth fighting about, if it was worth hurting the person. I just did it.

Now, I am worried that I may have lost that person. All because I was stupid enough to be spiteful and because I kept thinking that it was okay to hurt him. I am a lousy person.

And I remembered what my Mom said. PAUSE. I wish I had paused back then. I wish that I counted 1-10 before I said anything. I hope this can still be fixed. I really really do. =(

yeah right

Can someone please tell me if there is any way possible to say the words "yeah right" and not sound sarcastic? I've played these words in my head over and over again and tried different ways of saying it in my mind but they all come out as being sarcastic or condescending.

Yeah right! Yeah right. Yeah right?

It all sounds like you're itching for a fight. There is just no way to say those words and be nice about it. No freaking way.

Is there?

come to bed with me

The wind is chilly, the sky is still dark, and I have had 7 hours of sleep combined in the last 3 days. Right now, a bed looks more inviting to me than coffee. A bed with someone to cuddle with is better but then there's no one, so a blanket would do just fine.

What's the reason why you're still in bed?

the lord is my shepherd; I shall not want

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of theshadow of death;
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies
thou anointest my head with oil
my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

psalm 23 - bible - psalm of david

This is what's keeping me together.

baptism of fire

Earlier today, I had the biggest scare of my life. My B had a fever and it was a little bit high. I checked on him and we even watched CARS on DVD. He seemed okay so I went to sleep. I haven't been asleep for more than an hour when my Mom woke me up and told me that B needed to be brought to the hospital. I was in shock at first and couldn't move.

After it sank in, I went to check on my son and I was stunned by what I saw. My normally cheery son was curled up in a ball, turning black, and was shivering like hell. I didn't know if I wanted to scream, pass out, or kill someone. My B looked really pitiful.

If Arny did not tell me to change, I would have gone to the hospital wearing what I wore to sleep; without any bra. I panicked and I knew that I should not panic. It was so hard not to lose it, not to bawl over but I needed to be strong for my son. He needed me to be strong.

After we took him to the emergency room and he was given a shot and antiobiotics, we took him home. The doctor wanted to confine him but we said that we choose to observe first. After he was settled in and he took a nap, I broke down.

I cried and cried coz I was scared and I was worried. I was so scared. With so many things going on, this was the last thing I needed. I prayed. I prayed really hard. I am not a religious person but I prayed and told God that I was giving all my problems to him. Thy will be done.

Right now, my son is a little bit better but I do not want to be complacent. We will still observe him to make sure that the fever does not spike anymore. I ask you all to please pray for my B. He needs it badly.

Congratulations Twins!

They won!!!! 1st in intercollegiate against UST, San Beda, and UP Diliman. They were also 5th out of 18 teams that competed in the Mens Finals Divisions. Talk about great teamwork! Congratulation!!!