Tuesday, October 29, 2013

the story of L

Today, L and I finally got to talk. After 3 years of being incommunicado save for what was apparently a drunken text and a sober, apologetic email, he and I have not talked since December 10, 2010. Yep, I still remember the date simply because it was also the same date I watched RENT.

I finally got to ask him the question that bothered me most when he just disappeared. I think he was kinda prepared for the question and was sort of expecting it but I still asked it anyway. "Why did you just cut ties just like that?"

He told me he just got fed up. He felt like he gave it his all and I still wasn't returning anything. I reminded him that it was the situation and he knew about it. Unfortunately, his emotions got the better of him and perhaps, he was just too young at that time and so he cut ties, just.like.that.

He told me what it was like in his shoes and how he felt. He correlated it to his recent ex actually. Ironically, his recent ex and I have similarities. Superficial I believe but still uncanny. Her initial is also K, she works in the same company and account where I used to work when L was courting me, and she also had a gay best friend who works at Accenture.

Our talk helped clear a lot of things. It served its purpose which is closure for the both of us and I guess, in a way, it paves the way for us to be what we are meant to be which is friends.

Yes, I can say now that L and I are friends. On the last day of my 32nd year, I'm glad that this bridge that got burned 3 years ago got resurrected once more. It feels good to have one less person  hating you.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

B and the bronchitis

This week saw me as that panicked and worried Mom. You see, B had a fever from some infected wound that I thought he told my Mom about and so I was sure that it was being taken cared of. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

He hid it from my Mom and so the wound got infected. He started running a fever.

I took him to the doctor and mind you, the last time I took him to the doctor was back in 2008. Yes, it has been 5 years so you can understand why I panicked that we had to take him to the doctor again.

They took his weight and height and I was so disappointed with myself with the results. B's height was average for his age but his weight was lacking 11 lbs. Haayyy ....

It seems that though he eats in a way that puts a carpenter to shame, he also moves in a way that puts a centipede to shame. Yes, he's that active.

The pedia reprimanded me a little and I felt like a little schoolgirl being reprimanded once more by my terror of a principal. Ugh.

B was quite sad during the check up because he knew it was his fault why he was sick. He kept running around in school till he dripped like a faucet with sweat and of course, the sweat dries up and voila, he has bronchitis. Hayyy .... It's a good thing this pedia we got was very pleasant and actually funny.

She told me to come back next week and not worry so much. I guess it showed in my face or in the outfit I wore which screamed, "I'm a Mom and I'm a very tired Mom."

I tried to take a shot of B after the check up but he hid his face. Apparently, he feels shame. Sigh. My son, 8 years old, feels shame. It's a good thing right?

Overall, this was a struggle for me. I felt helpless and I guess, I over thought and worry too much. Then again, I am a single Mom.

Hayyyy ....

Friday, October 25, 2013

It has to happen ...

You know how the funny man and I were supposed to not talk nor see each other anymore after Sunday? Well, we kinda broke the rule ... him and I but more me than him. Due to some circumstances, we had to talk Monday and Tuesday then Wednesday and Thursday it was for another reason and today, it was because of B and how he always manages to make logical sense of all my mommy fears.


I'm grateful he doesn't avoid me like the plague and very much thankful that though I know deep inside he really needs me to stay away, he doesn't shoo me away when I do reach out to him. He's not mean. He may be a bit harsh with words because he can be too logical but he would never intentionally inflict pain on me on a certain magnitude or gravity. This he admits.

Yesterday, I broke down and asked him how he does it. How does he not think of me or miss me? How does he do it?

He told me, "Oh no. I do. I think of you everyday. I miss you but then I just tell myself, this has to happen."

This has to happen. It has to happen. We need to be apart from each other. We need to not see each other. We need to stay away from each other. We need to. NEED to. NEED.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I hate that word. Logically, I understand it. Emotionally, I am all torn up. I don't understand myself. Why am I like this? Why am I having such a hard time letting go? Why can I not let go just like that? He did it. He's doing it. I should be able to do the same thing right?


Someone shoot me now. In the head. Okay, in the heart so that my heart would just stop beating and longing for him.


This is so frustrating. This is just so over the top kinda crazy and it makes me want to pull at my hair and slam my head into the wall just to knock some sense into my crazy stupid head and heart.

It has to happen ... I don't think I can argue with that .... It has to happen.

Maybe if I say it to myself a million times, I'd start believing it as well. I don't know why it has to happen but he feels and believes it does and I have no choice but to respect that ...

It has to happen ...

Its so hard. I'm used to running to him for comfort, for advise, for words of wisdom or even when I just need pacifying. He's able to do that you know. He's able to just calm me down and make me rational once more.

He soothes me. He calms me. He's my rock. What will I do without my rock?

Yesterday, I posted this on facebook for him to see.

"Letting go is a lot harder than holding on especially when you are still very much in love the person you are letting go ... however when the person you love asks you to let go then you MUST let go even if it hurts ... for to love someone truly is to want what would make the other person happy and sometimes, its letting them go and letting them explore and discover things on their own that would give them the happiness they want ... and help them find out who they really want in their life

So to you ... here's to letting go because as you said ... this is what you NEED. Take care always." 

He told me he doesn't believe I can stay away from him for long. I should be insulted right but unfortunately, I have proven him right over and over again.

When will I learn?  I need to regroup. I need to find me once more ... the me that I was before I met him .... I need to find me.

It has to happen. It has to.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Gigi Coffee and Cupcakes

Ever since I read about it in Yummy Magazine and saw the photos, I have wanted to visit this place. I've asked the funny man when we were still together but we never really made it. Last Tuesday, I finally got the chance after having breakfast with my team and so I grabbed it.

I really loved the interior of the place. Its so refreshing and the furniture and the green moss floor was just too cute for words. It was very inviting.

I got 6 of their cupcakes and tried out their Hot White Mocha which was a lot different from the Hot White Mocha of Starbucks. It wasn't as sweet but it was creamier. It was also a lot cheaper which I really liked because it was only Php85 for a large cup.

I got the lavander, peppermint, salted choco cake, red velvet, apple crumble and green tea respectively. Each cupcake costs only Php40 which was really great!

Verdict. We liked the apple crumble and the lavander was an experience. If you want to know what soap and body wash would taste like, this is it for you. It was baffling but in a good way.

As for the others ... I felt it was so so and lacking. It wasn't outstanding. It wasn't memorable. It wasn't impressive.

Would I go back? Perhaps ... but it would mostly be because of the price. For the price, it was good enough. For the taste though, I'd gladly pay more if I could get more out of the taste but then again, that's me.

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the stay in school Moms

Last week saw me hanging out with the Moms of FALS. Now, this is a pretty rare occurence since I have work and its never really been my thing to hang out with the Moms in B's school since most of them are stay at home Moms and I feel like I really can't connect with them. Boy was I wrong.

I spent half the day just hanging out at B's school waiting for them to start with game day which was the 2nd day of their foundation week.

When the kids started with rehearsals and games, the Moms were left at the gate. At first I was thinking, "Is this all we're going to do?" Apparently, it is.

Wow. I was so amazed. I couldn't imagine just sitting there or killing time waiting for the kids to come out and these women, this is what they mostly do. Wow!

Because of these women, I appreciated my Mom's patience when she used to watch over me in school before. From kindergarten to Grade 3, she would just be in school with me from the time I go in till the time I go home. I never really contemplated on what she would do the whole morning and afternoon but when I was at B's school, I was going bonkers.

I was like, "you can't be serious about staying here the whole time?"  I was just in awe of their patience and dedication. It was an eye opener.

Thankfully, some of the Moms agreed to go with me to Mystic Brew Cafe to kill time. I also wanted to share with them this kitchy cafe that I just recently discovered.

I had the Meow Chai while the other Moms had the frappe which they loved. The Meow Chai was the drink for me though. It was soothing. It was relaxing and the taste was just a burst of flavor inside the mouth. I really, really loved it.

We also shared this chocolate cake and while munching on this, I learned more about the lives of Stay in School and Stay at Home Moms. I am humbled.

What they do is equally hard if not harder. I get all stressed with work and people at work but at least I get paid. They go through the same but they don't get a salary. Oh boy! Now that is dedication.

To you Mommies and to my own Mom, I salute you.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

FALS Foundation Day

Last week, B's school celebrated their foundation day but due to weather conditions, they had to cut it form 5 days to 3 days. Day 1 started with a parade and I played the stage mother. Only fail I did was that I wore heels. For some reason, the word parade just did not sink in and so I had to endure walking for more than 30 minutes while wearing 4 inch heels.


Here's my son looking like a warrior, albeit a colorful one. Hehe. I think he actually looks like a dwarf but don't tell him I said that. 

It was tiring but I'm glad that I was able to go and support him for his parade. :)

Toast Box

I went to Alabang Town Center last week with my family. I actually just really wanted to take B out but ended up bringing along my entire family. It was one of those days I guess.

We ended up having merienda at Toast Box. I chose the place because I have always been curious about it. I loved the interior and wanted to find out what it had to offer.

I ordered 3 of the sandwiches or toast that they had to offer which was the Floss Toast Set, Kaya Toast Set, and the Peanut Thick Toast Set.

Kaya Toast Set Php145

Oh my this was one of the best they had to offer. It was really good and the kaya was just pure joy inside your mouth. It was delicious. It was worth the Php145 to be honest.

Thick Peanut Butter Toast Set Php155

If you are a peanut butter lover, this is the one for you. Its thick, creamy. and just peanut butter all over. It's like they lathered the bread with peanut butter then decided to do it again 4 more times.

Floss Kaya Set Php165

This one I didn't enjoy so much. It felt lacking for me and it was just blah. The floss was okay but it just didn't give me the overall impact I was hoping for.

Teh (Hot is Php80 and Cold is Php95)
I personally preferred the hot version of Teh over the cold one. It was soothing and rich and it just glides down the throat. It was very rich and I could definitely see myself drinking this again and again.

My family and I enjoyed Toast Box. I can definitely say that this could be a go to place for us if we just want to have some simple merienda with some cute ambiance surrounding us.

CinemaJam: an outdoor Movie and Music Festival

I'm pretty stoked to have VIP tickets to the first outdoor movie and music event here in the Philippines on November 30. I'm bringing along my brother, my sister, and a family friend to this event which will show Love Actually and Limitless then feature the following artists.


Calla Lily



All of this of course wouldn't be happening if not for our very awesome sponsors. Details below.

Crizal Transitions and World Vision underscore their vision for a better world with “Crizal Transitions Cinemajam,” a day-to-night movie marathon and music festival to be held November 30, 2013 at Event Circuit Makati.  Crizal Transitions Cinemajam promises an enlightening and entertaining festival of fun and togetherness with special back-to-back film screenings, performances by some of the country’s top rock and indie pop acts and a host of thrilling activities such as karting, bungee-jumping and kite-flying.
Crizal Transitions smart lenses adjust to changing light and provide the wearer optimal vision. Its message of “seeing life in a better light,” is emphasized in the event, which celebrates the illuminating power of the arts.

Proceeds of Crizal Transitions Cinemajam will benefit World Vision, to support its admirable work of helping children attain their dreams for a bright future. Tickets for Crizal Transitions Cinemanjam are at Php 1,350 at Ticketworld. Get two free tickets for every pair of Crizal Transitions purchased.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

the longest goodbye ....

We officially broke up last April 16. Since then, there have been a series of goodbyes and hellos, hellos and goodbyes. It was like we were drawn to each other .... I couldn't stay away and he couldn't refuse me when I reach out.

It was that kind of love .... consuming and so we were consumed. It was a fire that just kept on raging and devouring everything in its path and the two of us were definitely right on its track. It hovered over us, licked us with its passion, bit us with a vengeance, and lit us up until there was nothing left but ashes and remnants of what once was a great love.

Quick to burn but not so quick to die .... truth be told, its still not dead but water needed to be poured for the ember to die. It had to. As he said, it had to happen.

This had to happen.

I asked for one day more and was given 6 more months of seeing him, being with him, and tasting every bittersweet moment that I spent with him. I treasured every minute that I had with him. Every moment that I could, I would tell him I love him. If that were the last time I would see him, I wanted him to know that I still love him and that I would take him back in a heartbeat.

However, it had to stop. He finally asked me to stop. As he said, he NEEDS me to disappear from his life but he's not sure if he WANTS me to disappear from his life. Confusing eh? I know. I'm confused and he's confused too.

He told me, "To love is to let go. To love is to not be selfish. To love is to not be controlling."

So I will stop being selfish and controlling and show him that I really do love him ... and if loving him means that I need to let go and let him explore the world on his own to find out what he really needs in life or who he really wants, then I need to do just that even if it hurts. I love him that much.

As I said to him before I left the car ... "I'm letting you go because this is what you need. If you are meant for me, if we are meant to be, you'll come back to me. I love you."

It has been the longest goodbye ... for now ... for the meantime ... or perhaps, forever.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Mystic Brew Cafe

I finally found Mystic Brew Cafe today. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was just meant to be but once I stopped looking for it, I suddenly chanced upon it.

I wasn't supposed to attend the parade of my son today. I wasn't even supposed to be part of the parade. There were a lot of things today that were not supposed to happen but for some reason, I found myself drawn to doing it and so I ended up here.

Hmm ... seems the place lives up to its name of being mystical.

First thing I noticed was the interior of the place. It was eclectic and had that old world charm with touches of modern life. It was homey and very welcoming. It was a place where one can feel like you're just lounging in the comfort of your home, albeit a more luxurious version of your home.

The other thing that stood out for me were the staff and the owners. To say that they were welcoming would be an understatement. I was entertained very well and all my questions answered candidly. Honestly, I love helping out establishments like this because I know that the owners are people who really love their business and doesn't just see it as another money making scheme.

While I was busy looking around and taking photos, my son took the initiative to order his favorite pesto pasta.

B loved it. It had all the things he liked in a pesto pasta. It wasn't dry, it had nuts, and the chicken. The texture of the pasta wasn't too soft nor too hard as well. It was al dente per his words. Yes, my son uses words like al dente. I think he's going to be a real big foodie when he grows up.

I also tried their Chili Mint Coffee. Now, I had my reservations about this one. Truth be told, I said to the staff, "who the hell wants to put chili in their coffee?" They told me that this was actually a crowd favorite of people who were a wee bit drunk since the chili adds some kick to the coffee. When I tried it, I didn't feel a kick.

I felt a taekwando, muay thai, aikido, and jujitsu kind of kick. It wasn't a kick. It was a KICK! Yes sireeee ... the chili was overwhelming and crazy! For the sheer experience, I didn't regret getting this coffee though I wasn't able to finish it. It seems I wasn't ready for the full blown adventure given by this concoction.

We also got the Wands in a Cauldron which is basically french fries but it was placed in a cauldron which I really, really liked.

For myself, I ordered the Spicy Beef and I finished all of it on my own. I liked the sauce, the meat, the rice. I loved everything period. Haha. It was filling and it wasn't an overkill. It felt and tasted right.

The Choco Chimp Freeze was also another winner. In fact, before we left, B ensured that there wouldn't be any left in the glass. He gulped down the last drop. I think that tells you how it tasted right?

This one was a gift from the owner of the place. This phantom smores were a sight for sore eyes. I loved how they used the melted kisses to make a ghostly face and how the graham crackers complimented the chocolate and marshmallow set in between.

Honestly, if it weren't for B, I would have finished the entire thing all by myself.

Overall, I was really happy that I got to try Mystic Brew Cafe. It was exactly what I wanted in a cafe and I can definitely see myself hanging out here more often. In fact, I'd much rather go here and spend an afternoon reading while sipping coffee than go to Starbucks. 

stuff I got from the Box Shop of Mystic Brew Cafe
infinity bracelet
Love love love the place. It's a must!

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Saturday, October 12, 2013

a broken doll ...

I am a living doll
I am pretty
with bright eyes
Rosy cheeks and a wide smile.

I laugh, dance, and sing.
I am ready to do your every bidding.
Ready to be played with
and then gently put on display.

I am a living doll.
I am pretty.
You can toy with me
You can mess with me.

I laugh, dance, and sing
A mere puppet in your hand
For I am a broken doll
And I feel nothing.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Goodbye Finn

Glee has been a big part of my life. For some reason, most episodes, perhaps 9 out of 10, there would be a song that they would feature that just correlates with whatever is happening in my life. This has been what was happening since Season 1 and why I have never let go of Glee.

When I found out Cory Monteith was dead, I was devastated. I don't even know him but I was. Finn, his character, was just someone I find myself having a crush on ... he reminded me of the funny man actually. Quirky, funny, crazy, but always loving. He has his jerk moments but he always makes up for it just like the funny man.

Finn is gone now. So is the funny man. See the correlation? Finn is dead ... the funny man has simply moved on from me ... from us. Watching today's episode of The Quarterback, I have shed so many tears and I know that a part of it is really for Cory who plays Finn but mostly, its for me ... and my love for the funny man.

His fear of me is so big that I feel like there will never come a time that he will come back to me and I feel like our love has died. It is such a great love but I marred it with violence and harsh words and he just can't find it in his heart anymore to believe that I have truly changed.

Rachel lost Finn to death ... I lost my Finn to my wrongdoings and because I have scared him badly enough that though he still loves me, he'd rather pursue a possibility with someone else rather than risk being with me again.

This, I believe, is one of the most painful truths I will ever have to accept.

I write this now and tears just won't stop flowing. I feel like I lost someone to death and that after that one more meet up, I will never ever see him again. I will never see him smile at me again. I will never feel his lips on mine. I will never hold him in my arms and have him hold me in his arms ... all because I was so stupid and so immature. All because I did not appreciate and treasure what I had.

Now ... it may be just too late.

Goodbye Finn. Thank you for al the smiles and the songs.

Goodbye my Finn ... my funny funny man ... thank you for everything. If I could just have you look into my heart and my soul, you would know that there is nothing to fear from me anymore but I can't.

Sadly, I can't.


Your hand on my body
I melt like ice on fire
I am consumed
You still don't care. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

what to expect when you're expecting Northern Big Bites

There are a few things one can look forward to when you visit the Northern Food Festival of Marquee Mall. As the title of the event says, you need to get ready to take some BIG BITES. Yes siree ... BIG BIG BITES.

First on the list and mind you, these are personal recommendations of mine based on what I tried yesterday. My gosh ... it was only yesterday that I was stuffing myself silly with so many food.

This is the Apag Marangle Sisig Wrap. It was so good that I regretted only getting 3 pieces. I know I could have downed 30pcs without even blinking. It was just so good ... imagine, fried sisig and fresh lettuce. HEAVEN!

Christy's Special Bulacan Chicharon is next on my list. I'm not even a fan of chicharon but I had about 10 pieces of this. It's already a lot because we were feasting on so many other things.

Sweet Heavens from Nueva Ecija's Leche Flan is to die for. I actually kept remembering Tito O, FM's dad because he's also a fan of leche flan and this one ... this one is definitely to his liking. It was smooth and creamy and oh so yummy. It was DELICIOUS. It was indeed heaven on earth.

We also had a taste of Kabigting's Halo Halo. Now I was thinking what the fuss was all about because is was just halo halo but when I was able to try it out, I finally understood. The filling inside was definitely a whole lot different from the standard halo halo. The pastillas, the bean paste, the combination of everything was just really great.

You can read all you want about my food adventures but as they say, its always best to try things on your own so why not head over to Marquee Mall in Pampanga on October 18 -20 and have the gastronomic experiences of your life.

this is me getting a surprise with grilled frogs