Sunday, October 14, 2012
expectations and heartaches
I know this. I know this for a fact. However, when you are in a relationship, sometimes, you delude yourself into thinking that it's okay to hope, it's okay to expect. Reality bites you back in the ass though and boy does it give a mean punch. You go back hurtling to the ground and go SPLAT!
This is what happened to me recently. It was a small thing actually. It was a small thing but it sure hurt big time. It wasn't so much the action but the lack of consideration, the lack of thinking of how it will really affect me that got me. It may not have been intentional but it still hurt.
He matters to me. Therefore, when he does something that is hurtful, the pain he causes me is quite big simply because he matters a lot to me. Sad, but true.
I tried to hide the pain I felt. I really did. However, it seems that I've let myself get used to showing how I felt that I failed miserably. I guess I need to start practicing hiding my feelings again. Things would be simpler. I could say I'm fine and he'd believe me. Then again, he could be quite insensitive at times that I'd say I'm hurt and he'd reply with an "okay, what do you want me to do now?" Sigh.
You know what's harder? Admitting you're hurt and having the other person just pass it off casually, like you're feelings don't really matter. That's harder.
Because to be honest ....
All I wanted was a simple sorry. If its still too hard to say until now, 7 months later, then I don't see it happening ever.
I need to remember that I am worth more than this. I am worth an apology. I am worth an acknowledgement when something offensive has been done to me. I am worth more, a lot more.
I thought that if I was with someone who has had their heart broken, stomped, and trampled on, he wouldn't do the same to me. I thought wrong.
So, lesson learned is to just not expect nor hope. There is no point and its just pointless. People will do what they want, regardless of who they hurt. That is just the way the dice rolls and this die has been cast.