not against all odds

I have so many things that I actually need to do but I know that I need to write down these thoughts first so I can do what I need to. I'm just wired that way. Normally I'd speak to someone about these thoughts in my head but since that person no longer exist in my world, I'd just have to go back to writing it down and hoping that when I am done, things would be so much clearer in my head.

I used to listen to against all odds and thought that it was such a fitting song for me, because I thought that I would never get over FM. He was after all the only man I wanted to marry after all that fiasco with RA. I thought I would never be interested in someone else and for 1.5 years, I wasn't.

I met a lot of guys and some were interesting but I was just never interested. I couldn't even make myself go have coffee with them, much less smile and want to know who they were. It just didn't happen. I thought it never would.

Lately, I realized though that FM would never own up to wanting to go back to me. He just wouldn't. He will always find a way or a reason to push me away, to make me the bad one, and to make himself feel good about not going back to me ... because in his head I don't deserve to be given another chance.

This realization made things easier for me to accept that it was truly over between us and that I have punished myself enough. He got his revenge and he hurt me, more times than I cared to admit and more deeply that I would ever admit.

I finally said yes to meeting other people and though there were some mishaps and moments that made me go, "what the hell was I thinking?" there has also been a moment of late that made me go, "I'm glad that I gave this a chance."

I met someone and he makes me smile. No, he makes me glow as my friends would put it. I met someone and he makes me think that there's a possibility with someone else. It may be him, it may be someone else but what's important is that I am finally starting to think that there's a possibility of having a future with someone else rather than FM. I never thought I would think that.

Apparently, what I thought was against all odds wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I just needed to heal and give myself time. Now, I'm ready to get to know someone and give myself the chance to be happy again.

I am ready because I deserve it. I deserve it after all the pain I went through. I deserve it.

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