munimuni # 84

Honestly, I don't even know why I am doing this post. I guess I have way too many things in my head and normally, when I write, things get settled or I see a bit of an order and I can go my merry way again.

I have a feeling that today that will not be the case.

Life has given me ups and downs, more times lately than normal. One day I'd  be giddy with happiness and feel like I am on top of the world and the next, I'm questioning myself for everything that I am doing.

I just have so many apprehensions and everyone around me just seems to believe in me. No one understands the insecurities and doubts that I feel because they have so much faith in me and though I appreciate that, sometimes, I just want someone to hug me and let me rant or cry and not say anything until after I'm done.

Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I'm playing dress up and someone will eventually notice and say, "Hey! You don't know what you are doing!" and I'd be exposed for the pretender that I am. Sometimes though, a client will go up to me and say that they are impressed with what I am doing and that they are thankful they have me. However, most of the time its the former rather than the latter that I feel.

Yesterday a friend said to me that I was meant to do what I am doing now and it felt good to hear that. At the back of my head though, I was thinking, "Are you sure? Maybe being in the call center business where I thrived is where I should have stayed. At least I knew what I was doing there though I wasn't happy."

Lately, I haven't been able to spend that much time with B though the few times that I have seen him, I have made it a point to focus on him and date him. I hope he understands that all that I am doing is for his future.

As for love or that twinkle moment, I don't know what I have. I'm interested in someone but I feel like that someone is really not interested in me. The constant "does he like me or not" is a push and pull that is driving me crazy. Right now, I cannot afford this kind of crazy so I'm stopping. I need to. I deserve someone who will tell me, "hey you, I want you in my life and I need you in my life as a partner and someone that I will cherish forever."

 And so we move on to friendship. The past few months I realized that two persons I trusted were vicious, wicked women who were stabbing me in the back long before I even extended an arm out to them. I've already cut them off as you should when there is weed in the garden but these weed had a bit of thorn and cut me. My wounds need to heal.

So much blessing and so much pain .... I guess life really has to balance things out. I have success in my career but at the expense of it, I lost two people I thought were friends and I realize that the guy I like is just not that into me.

So there.