A wave of sadness hit me as I was on my way home tonight. I don't know why but I just felt sad. Later on, I found myself in the bathroom floor crying. I realized that behind all the excitement I have been feeling about B going to school is a deep fear that I am feeling.
Am I able to get him through school? Am I capable of sending him to a good school until he finishes college? What if I lose my job and can't find a new one? What if something happens to me? What if I die early?
So many thoughts and like with other single mom's ... no one to really turn to and tell me that it will be okay. This is one of the downfall of being a single Mom. It's just me, myself, and I. I don't have a partner that I can run to and soother my panicky nerves. I don't have anyone holding my hand or hold me when tears start to fall because I don't know if I am raising my kid the right way. I don't have anyone to tell me that what I am doing is right or wrong or that B needs me to be more this and less that. It's just all me. ME.
Sometimes, I lay awake at night and look at my son. I marvel that we made it this far and that overall, he seems to be a pretty decent human being. Sometimes, I cry silent tears. I cry because there is no one who can understand what I am going through. I cry because I know that I am still lacking as a Mom and that I should be there for him ... that I should be more understanding and less angry. I know this but more often than not, I am quick to discipline and more slow to understand because I feel that I need to compensate and show him that I am also a Dad, not just a Mom.
People are so quick to judge and when they judge, they are harsh. It hurts. I don't show that I hurt but it hurts. I did not ask to be a single Mom. I did not ask for a situation wherein I have to be provider and caregiver all in one go. I did not want this. Fact is, I stayed with a lying, two timing, wife beating man for almost 4 years because I wanted to have a whole family so badly. At the end of the day though, I realized that my son cannot grow in an environment where there is violence and pain. So I chose to be a single Mom.
Now the men ... people say I have so many men in my life when in reality, I have no one. These men .. they just want me for something ... companionship, to bed me cause they think that since I have a kid I'd be easy, or to date me. I don't have them. They are not mine nor do they want me to be theirs. They just need me to fulfill something. They just want me. In all honesty, I sometimes wish that they would all just go to hades. Sometimes, I'm grateful that they amuse me and make life interesting. Occasionally though, I wish that one of them would just go right out and say, I want you to be a permanent part of my life and I want to share the burden that you're carrying. Wishful thinking I know.
So there ... I just had to write it down. I just need to sort the jumbled thoughts and feeling in my head. No wise words of wisdom, no witty repartee ... just the sentiments of a single mom.