Sunday, May 12, 2013
munimuni # 79
It's been 2 weeks since the last one. I actually reread it and found that I still meant every single word I wrote. Things have happened since then. Some made me laugh while some made me cry. All of it has taught me lessons that I know will make me a better person..
I've been spending a lot of time with my best friend Allan. We've been looking for a job and it has been nothing but challenging. Seriously. Sometimes, to save on money, we'd just eat Sky Flakes and have water. He brings a bottle so that we won't have to buy. You see, we both have limited funds and we need to save money any way we can. This includes Sky Flakes to tide us over and walking instead of riding even at the possibility of heatstroke.
It has been a humbling experience. It has been a very humbling experience. I am not used to not having work and I am not used to not doing anything at all. It's been nerve wracking to be honest. The constant availabiity of time is not something I am used to. I am the person who always has a full calendar and I find it unnerving to have so much free time at a moment in my life where I really need to be kept extremely busy.
I've seen him twice since the last muni muni. This totals 5 meet ups since we parted ways. It's been both glorious and painful. Glorious because I saw him and I was with him, painful because we're still not together. Right now, he doesn't love me enough to be with me. That hurts but I need to accept it. He needs to find the courage and strength to believe in us again on his own. The only way I can possibly help is to show him with actions that he has reason to believe in us again. How he would know? I honestly don't know how as we barely see each other.
My Mom has been recovering pretty well. She's still in pain but its bearable because she can now walk and go about her own way. Sometimes, we even have small talks again just like we used to. Sometimes though, we avoid each other because she has too much emotional pain and sometimes, I do too.
K and I have become closer since things fell apart. She feels more at ease asking me when I seem to be not in a good mood and I am able to talk to her more freely now as well. I feel closer to her now than I did before.
B and I have a much better relationship as well. I don't need to scream or shout to make myself understood. I don't need to resort to spanking as well. He is in that stage where computer games matter more than books. I let him play to give a sense of balance but I pray that he will still have his love for reading. I hope that the computer games has not eradicated it completely. Sometimes though, I find myself counting from 1 - 10 ... or 100. LOL.
Friday nights and Saturdays are the most challenging to me. Those times used to be filled with activities or times with someone and nowadays, I find myself keeping extra busy or just wishing that the day would pass by quickly. Time just seems to pass by extra slowly when its Friday or Saturday.
I've also decided to finally cut ties with my father. Why? This would be another post that I have yet to write. I may be misconstrued as a worthless daughter or someone na "walang utang na loob" but this is a choice that I am making and I am at peace with this decision.
Things seem to be at a standstill these days. Sometimes, I feel like a feather floating on air just going where the wind blows. It's liberating and scary all at the same time. However, I will just leave everything up to God now and hold on to His will.
I believe better things will happen. Shit had to happen and things had to fall apart to make way for something better ... for me, for the funny man and I, and for my life.