chasing red cars

When FM and I just broke up, every red car I saw that even looked slightly similar to his became a beacon of hope. I had this insane thought that maybe, just maybe, he realized that it was worth another chance and he'd surprise me. I don't know why I even thought that but it was something I secretly held on to.

When I'd go walking around the village, I'd see red cars and I'd think for a split second that maybe its him. Then I'd see the plate number or the window and realize, its not. My heart breaks just a tiny little bit.

When I was looking for a job and it was in Ortigas, Tiendesitas, or Eastwood ... heck, even Makati, I'd see red cars and I'd think, "oh, its him!" Then I'd see the plate number or the window and realize, its not. My heart breaks just a tiny little bit again.

When I would be lost somewhere and trying to remain calm, I'd see a red car and think, "he's come to my rescue." Then I'd see the plate number or the window and realize, its not. My heart breaks just a tiny little bit more again.

When I was walking home last Monday night after the interview, a red car went up to me and I thought to myself, "see, he couldn't help it. He'll take me home because its past midnight and he wants me safe." Then I saw the plate number and the window and realized, it wasn't him. My heart broke and it wasn't just a tiny little crack.

Every red car was a beacon of hope. Eventually, every red car became something that broke my heart. Can you imagine how many red cars I would see in a day? Can you imagine how many times my heart would break in a day?

Now ... after 5 weeks, I have managed to train myself to not always look at the red cars or check their plate numbers. I now know that my fantasy of him just sprouting out of nowhere isn't going to happen.

It will remain a fantasy and I can't keep chasing red cars.