It has to happen ...

You know how the funny man and I were supposed to not talk nor see each other anymore after Sunday? Well, we kinda broke the rule ... him and I but more me than him. Due to some circumstances, we had to talk Monday and Tuesday then Wednesday and Thursday it was for another reason and today, it was because of B and how he always manages to make logical sense of all my mommy fears.

Ugh.

I'm grateful he doesn't avoid me like the plague and very much thankful that though I know deep inside he really needs me to stay away, he doesn't shoo me away when I do reach out to him. He's not mean. He may be a bit harsh with words because he can be too logical but he would never intentionally inflict pain on me on a certain magnitude or gravity. This he admits.

Yesterday, I broke down and asked him how he does it. How does he not think of me or miss me? How does he do it?

He told me, "Oh no. I do. I think of you everyday. I miss you but then I just tell myself, this has to happen."

This has to happen. It has to happen. We need to be apart from each other. We need to not see each other. We need to stay away from each other. We need to. NEED to. NEED.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I hate that word. Logically, I understand it. Emotionally, I am all torn up. I don't understand myself. Why am I like this? Why am I having such a hard time letting go? Why can I not let go just like that? He did it. He's doing it. I should be able to do the same thing right?

RIGHT???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Someone shoot me now. In the head. Okay, in the heart so that my heart would just stop beating and longing for him.

Ugh.

This is so frustrating. This is just so over the top kinda crazy and it makes me want to pull at my hair and slam my head into the wall just to knock some sense into my crazy stupid head and heart.

It has to happen ... I don't think I can argue with that .... It has to happen.

Maybe if I say it to myself a million times, I'd start believing it as well. I don't know why it has to happen but he feels and believes it does and I have no choice but to respect that ...

It has to happen ...

Its so hard. I'm used to running to him for comfort, for advise, for words of wisdom or even when I just need pacifying. He's able to do that you know. He's able to just calm me down and make me rational once more.

He soothes me. He calms me. He's my rock. What will I do without my rock?

Yesterday, I posted this on facebook for him to see.

"Letting go is a lot harder than holding on especially when you are still very much in love the person you are letting go ... however when the person you love asks you to let go then you MUST let go even if it hurts ... for to love someone truly is to want what would make the other person happy and sometimes, its letting them go and letting them explore and discover things on their own that would give them the happiness they want ... and help them find out who they really want in their life

So to you ... here's to letting go because as you said ... this is what you NEED. Take care always." 

He told me he doesn't believe I can stay away from him for long. I should be insulted right but unfortunately, I have proven him right over and over again.

When will I learn?  I need to regroup. I need to find me once more ... the me that I was before I met him .... I need to find me.

It has to happen. It has to.