I never thought that I would be pregnant at this stage of my life. In all honesty, I thought that as I neared my 40s, I would just be counting down the years till B graduates and then I'd be free to do what I want.
Raising another baby was not in the plan at all. EVER.
But it happened. It's happening.
When I was pregnant with B, I had worries but I was also young back then. I was 24. It's a big difference from now that I am 38.
When you're 24, life is still an adventure, a mystery. You're still naive, optimistic, and you have a lot of inner strength because you still believe that life is fair. Chances are, there's not yet a lot of tragedy that has happened in your life at 24.
When you're 38, life isn't much of an adventure anymore especially when it's a life like mine. I'm no longer naive, optimistic, nor have a lot of inner strength because I know now that life isn't fair. There's been a lot of tragedy in my life such as surviving a wife beater, cheater, swindler, mental abuse, almost getting killed, physical heart problems, brain problems, and deaths.
I've survived all these and have learned to go with the flow, weather heartache, and just plain survive. I never thought that I had to survive a late pregnancy.
Or moving in with someone. Or thinking of getting married again. Or maintaining a relationship because now it's a different thing and one can no longer be wishy washy.
I never thought that I'd have to worry about giving birth, hospital fees, raising another child while B is in high school. I never thought that I'd have to think about the costs of raising a child, wondering if I'd still be alive by the time the kid is in high school, or if I'd even survive childbirth.
So many worries. Too little brain space.
I never thought that I'd be suffering from hormones so crazy even I am starting to wonder if I'm still normal. I never thought that I'd have sleepless nights simply because the baby inside doesn't want to sleep. I never thought that I'd have days where I won't eat anything regardless of how hungry I am because my palette has become messed up and my stomach refuses to accept food.
I never thought that I could feel so much love, hatred, pain, sorrow and a lot more all within a span of minutes.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. Sometimes I know that I am going crazy. Sometimes, I don't even feel pregnant. Other times, it's all that I can feel.
I fall asleep when I don't want to. I stay up when I want to sleep. My entire back hurts, NONSTOP. My legs feel like it's weighted down even if I stand for only a few minutes.
Sometimes, I just don't want to move. AT ALL. Sometimes, I want to do something and then I'll be hit with nausea. Sometimes, I'm halfway through eating when I suddenly lose all appetite.
Sometimes, I just flip and I can't stop myself no matter how much I try.
I wish someone did a study on this. Not just the physical aspect of things but the emotional hits a woman goes through. It's worse than a monthly PMS because this could last for 9 whole months.
I don't know how to survive the rest of the months.
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