tribulation

I knew this, US, we would be tested. I knew it was bound to happen. I just didn't think it would happen 5 days into you being over there and me being here. I didn't think that you would be the one to accidentally open this can of worms. I didn't think that it would hurt this much.

When I feel pain, I tend to withdraw and hold it all in. Sometimes, I would just break down and cry. Sometimes, when its really, extremely painful, I just become numb. It's like my brain protects me from the extreme pain that it won't let me feel it because its scared that I won't be able to handle it.

Yesterday, after the whole fiasco with that woman, I went through it all. Initially it was anger. Pure anger. How dare you? How could you. We talked about honesty. I said that if you didn't want me anymore, if there was someone else, just tell me and I'll walk away.

You promised to never betray me. YOU PROMISED. You told me that you never make promises you cannot keep.

Next, it was heartbreak. You broke my heart. You broke me. I cried and my body shook with so much grief. How could you have lied to me like that? What did I do to deserve the way you treated me? All I did was love you, take care of you, and make you happy. I made it a point to understand everything, your situation, the long distance thing, your walls and how you keep shutting me out from your life, only allowing a peek here and there. Why did you make a fool out of me?

I didn't deserve that. I don't deserve it. I will never deserve that.

You said that you respect me a lot. You said that you will never cheat on me because you respect me too much to do that. I believed you. I chose to believe you. However,  this whole thing with that woman is just too crazy.

Lastly, it was resignation, confusion, and hope. Resignation because it already happened. As much as I didn't want to believe it did, it has. Confusion because yes the implications are strong but that's all it has been. Implications. That woman implied a lot of things and you can't seem to give me a logical explanation for it. You keep saying she's a good friend. If she is such a good friend, why is she out to destroy you? With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Hope. I am still hoping that you would explain to me. I am hoping that you would talk to me. I am hoping that if you really love me, if I mattered to you, you would call and make me understand this. You kept saying you were tired of explaining and that you were not good at it. I wish you knew how tired my heart was of hurting and how painful it has been for me to cry and try to compose myself so that I won't break down and collapse.

I deserve a phone call. I deserve an explanation. I deserve for you to SHOW ME that you really do love me and not just say it. I deserve for you to not be tired of explaining. I deserve for you to talk to me regardless of how tired you are because I too am tired.

I am exhausted emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. It hurts so much thinking that there has been someone else all this time. It hurts to think that when you greet me "Morning Bella" you might also be greeting someone else. It destroys me to think that when you say "miss you so much" or "I love you" or "you're the only one I love" you're not just saying that to me but to someone else as well.

You kept telling me yesterday that you love me, that you were never unfaithful to me, that she's lying, and that you are happy with me. You said there's nothing between the two of you and that you hope we could talk. This is what I have to say.

If you wanna talk to me, if you wanna save this, do it as soon as possible. The longer that we do not talk about this, the longer it gets put on a shelf, the harder it is to fix things. As we (you and I) have always said, its all a matter of priorities. I understand that its your first day on the job and that you are most likely tired but this, it deserves your attention and time if this really does matter to you.

Ball is now in your court. What you do with it determines what happens next to this story. Does it continue? Does it end? Its your call now. I am giving you a chance; whether you take it or not is up to you.