Today, I finally let go of him. I let go of the hopes and dreams I had that we would ever get back together. I let go of the love that I thought would last forever. Today, I finally, truly let go of the funny man.
For months, I kept reading that I should unfriend and block him on facebook, that I should unfollow and block on twitter. I shouldn't know what he was feeling or thinking. I should not bother finding out.
I fought back.
I wanted to know what I could. I viewed his profile like crazy. Soon as I wake up, I'd check his facebook page and twitter. I'd check every post he made and look who liked it or commented on it. I checked and checked and checked.
When he would post something new, I'd test it around my head, looking for a nuance that it was about me. When he didn't post for days, it would drive me insane because then I wouldn't know what he was thinking about. When he does post something and I think its for another girl, I'd go evenr crazier and cry like crazy.
It was unhealthy.
I was going out of my mind and I would cry at random moments. I couldn't keep it together and I would simply fall apart even at work. The tears just wouldn't stop coming. I couldn't control my feelings. I was no longer in control of anything.
Ironically, the funny man was also not doing okay. He was also affected by the fact that we were no longer together and that we weren't seeing each other. He was affected but he wasn't doing anything about it. He wasn't going to do anything about it. He wasn't ready and he didn't know when he would be ready.
He wasn't okay.
I had to let go. I had to ... for my sanity, for my mental health, for my hearts sake. You see, I still love him .... very much. But he's not okay ... and I don't know when he will be ... and I do not know that when time comes he is okay, if he will still want me.
Yes ... I do not know. I do not know anything anymore. I used to believe that it would be him and I ... that when things become okay, it would still be him and I.
He's not okay. I'm a bit okay. I'm scared that time may come that he is okay and I won't be okay. I didn't want that to happen and what's happening is I'm slowly destroying myself by choosing to love him more than I love me. I had to choose me.
I have to choose me.
I saw him last night. We talked. I told him that I would be cutting ties. He said that it is what he wanted me to do. It hurt when he said that. It seems to him, this is but natural. Perhaps, its because he is a guy and therefore less emotional. Perhaps, he really does not love me as much as he used to. Perhaps ... perhaps it is how it should be.
He said he misses me ... but it was just really too painful what happened. He said that maybe when he's okay and he still longs for me, he would court me. If he longs for me. IF.
So I let go. When we parted ways, I still didn't know what I would do ... if I actually could cut ties ... and then when I saw the laptop, I realized that it really just hurts too much. I had to cut ties. I also realized that I should just do this in one blow.
I normally have delayed reaction but this time, I just fell apart just like that. I saw his anniversary gift to me and I saw the cabinet and I simply fell apart. I just fell on the floor and I just started crying.
He said he would feel hurt when I do that but it is what needs to be done for my sanity and also possibly, his. So I did it.
I changed the relationship status on facebook. It took me several minutes. I kept going between single and in a relationship with the funny man. I kept hovering between the two. I kept changing between the two. I didn't want to be single. I wanted to be with him. But he doesn't want to be with me and so I had to accept that.
I hovered the mouse over SAVE and closed my eyes and hit SAVE. Done. Just like that .... my status went from In a Relationship with the funny man to Single. After one year and 7 months of dating him, US was no more.
I broke once more.
After, I bulldozed my heart with one hit right after the other. Unfriend, block, unfollow, block. Done. I don't know if there's anything left to break.
I am so broken but I did it. I did it. This time, I chose me. It may hurt like hell but I had to do it, the same way he had to leave and choose himself.
Perhaps, our paths would cross again if we're really meant to be. Perhaps, he'll meet someone new and she'd be the one. Perhaps I would. Perhaps .... we would never really know.
For now ... he needs to go his own way without me looking over his shoulders all the time, quietly obsessing and I need to go m own way as well. For now, he needs to be okay again and I need to heal as well. For now, this is the end for the story of the funny man.
The curtains closed last April 16. The actor took a final bow last July 21. Today, 30th of August, the lights finally turned off for the chapter of the funny man. Whether this story continues or is truly at its end, only fate knows.
This time, everything is truly up to fate.
I don't know you personally (I think) and just chanced upon your blog through a mutual friend (Wifely Steps)... but I just wanted to say this was a really good post. It's honest and the actions you took really showed strength.ReplyDelete
It did? Thank you. I feel like I had to do it but it really hurt to do it ... it still hurts .... and I think it will continue to hurt for a very long time.ReplyDelete
I really love him ... its just sad that he did not see it or if he did, he chose not to believe in my love for him.