One thing I have always been proud of is how transparent I have been on my blog. My take is that its my blog and if someone doesn't feel comfortable with whatever it is that I have written there, that is their opinion. What they think of my blog and I are none of my concern. As long as I have not intentionally hurt anyone with my words or my thoughts, I'm okay.
The past 21 days have been quite a challenge. It started pretty awful and then it went pretty smoothly and then it got pretty bad again. To say that it has been a series of ups and downs would be an understatement. There were days where my brain simply goes to him and just won't get out of that place. It was like I was stuck in a rut.
There are days when I would survive and simply think of him a couple of times. I relish these days. I feel like I am somewhat normal and sane. Gone are the incessant ramblings and thinking and wondering if he thinks of me, if he misses me, if he remembers me, or if he's out cavorting with someone new.
Ugh. Someone new. The thought of it still causes my stomach to hurt but yes it is a possibility. He can be pretty charming when he wants to be and since he's open to meeting new people, that door is simply wide open, ready to welcome newcomers or even possibly, girls who were just waiting in the wings for my exit.
Here and there tears fell but for most of the 21 days, I did not feel the need to clean my eyes. However, that need came earlier and I found myself lying on the bathroom floor, crying my heart out. It was quite pitiful actually. Pathetic even but it's my feelings, my emotions, and it was how I felt.
You're probably wondering what would have drove me to such a state. It was nothing really ... or perhaps it was something ... perhaps she is someone ... perhaps she is no one ... perhaps. I wouldn't really know. I can't. I don't have the right to know nor to ask; especially to ask.
We're no longer together. I need to get that through my thick skull and through my heart that just won't listen to my brain. We're no longer together and therefore, he can hang out with anyone he wants, he can date anyone, and he can do God knows what with anyone he wants and I don't have the right to feel anything about it or if I do feel something, I should just bang my head on the wall.
She's pretty, I think. Yes, I am jealous. Yes, I am hurting. Yes, I am feeling insecure coz she's pretty and young and she seems happy. Ugh. I hate this. I hate feeling jealous but I'm honest enough to admit it. Well, to myself, some friends, and my blog.
My blog is my sanctuary. If I cannot write what I feel or need to sort out, then where would I go?
It's all so confusing. I hate this confusing feeling. It's so ... painful and tiring and the suffering is just plain crazy. I hate this.
The other week I said to myself, "ignorance is blis." The other day I said that not knowing was pretty awful. Now, I wish I have amnesia or I can go through the same procedure the characters in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind goes through. Seriously.
It's been 21 days. He couldn't have forgotten me that easily right? Or perhaps he had. Damn. Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn. I thought I was okay. I honestly believed that I was doing okay. Today, when I saw her and when I patched things, it just fell apart. My illusions fell apart.
I fell apart. Again.
Now I need to go pick myself up again ... one by one, piece by piece. I wonder how many times would I need to pick the broken pieces of me before I can really stand still once more? This whole picking up the pieces crap is getting tiring.
The tears just won't stop falling. It's been 21 days already .... it's only been 21 days .