better in time ...

We've seen each other twice since we parted ways, both because I needed your help and you, being the gallant knight in shining armor, came to my rescue. Believe you me when I say that I treasure those moments I had with you. Not knowing when I will see you again, if I will see you again, or never see you again made me cherish every single moment I had with you. The audio and video recording will be forever treasured.

Both times I have been extremely happy. Both times you have told me that you would like to avoid me. Both times you have told me that you needed space. Both times you have told me that you did not know if we ever were getting back together. Both times you told me that you leave it up to fate to see if we'd be led to each other again. Both times I had hurt and I had hoped. Both times, you have been confused and possibly hurt as well. 

I know that I was the one who did wrong by you. I never gave you the trust and respect that you deserved. When I realized my mistake and wanted to make up for it, you were no longer willing to give me that chance.  You felt defeated because no matter what you did, it seemed that it did not make me happy. Me telling you now that just being back together would make me truly happy is not something you believe in anymore. You told me before that you have heard every single promise I made about the changes I was going to do. I wasn't able to answer you what was different then and now.

The difference is that the first time I made those promises, it was more of a desperate plea. Now, its something that I mean and something that I intend to do; something that I have been doing. However, you do not believe. I cannot force you.

I cannot force you with pleas. I cannot force you with words. I cannot force you with tears. I cannot force you with promises. I cannot force you with actions. Simply put, I cannot force you. As you said, it really is all up to you whether or not we would get back together and right now, its 50-50.

On Tuesday, I'll see you again because those plans were made long before. After that, I will do my best to not see you anymore and grant what you wish for; which is to have your space and no longer see me. I hope that when this happens, you realize what it is you really want in life. I hope that you heal. I hope that you gain back whatever it was that you lost because of me. I hope that you will be happy.

As for me, I will only get better in time. You said that to make you happy, you want to see me happy. It still hurts that you are no longer in my life but I will do what you asked and move on. Do know that I will still be waiting for you to come back to me. However, I need to take control of my life, my temper, and myself. I need to be a better version of me not for you, not for us, but for me.

If fate will smile at us and allow us a second chance, then at the very least, I will be ready to give you what you need and you will be ready to take a chance on me again. Till then, you need to heal and I need to be an updated version of me. Till then, I can only hope that fate will smile at us and give us a second chance.