Years ago, if someone had told me that I can love someone like I’ve never loved before yet completely lose that feeling in a span of 4 years, I would have laughed it off. Knowing myself, I know that when I love, I love with all my heart. I don’t just give it my all, I give it my everything, my entire being, my heart, soul, body, mind, and everything that I possibly can. To do that and then turn completely cold in just years was unfathomable to me.
Unfortunately, that giddy lil girl who would be so happy to receive cotton candy with a tag saying “you’re as sweet as cotton candy” seems to be gone. In place is a jaded version who refuses to believe in love and shuns it any chance she can get. She’s become too scared to even value any form of love that is being offered to her. It just hurts too much.
Years ago, if someone had told me that I’d be sacrificing things that I value to hold on to something that is no longer there, I would have laughed it off. Knowing myself, I know that I would never do. I always say that I will never force myself on someone who does not want me. I prided myself in that. I never made amends with anyone who did not want me nor forced myself on a guy.
Unfortunately, that prideful woman has resorted to begging for love, begging someone to let her stay and work things out. That woman has forced herself on someone who no longer loves her for the sake of family. That woman has kneeled and asked to be given a chance again even though she wasn’t the one at fault. All this for the sake of an innocent child.
Years ago, if someone had told me that I’d be writing about this, I would have laughed it off. Knowing myself, I know that I would never do such a thing. After all, these things will never happen to me. I know myself. I know my limitations and what I can and cannot do.
Unfortunately, that wise person has long since hibernated. I do not know when she will come out again. I do not know if I even want her to come out. I do know that wherever she is right now, I am missing her. I hope that she misses me too. I hope she has learned her lessons and not commit the same mistakes.