Monday, July 14, 2008

on commitments and relationships

Ever since I had my first relationship at the age of 15, I knew that I was the type of girl who would be in serious relationships. Short or playtime relationships weren't really my kind of thing. I look like a wild child but I was definitely not one. Almost all my relationships were long term (2 years) and the short ones were either because my family did not approve (I was 17, he was 29.) and the other was a guy who was a major jerk who'd always put me down.

In all my relationships, there was a common denominator. I was always introduced to the family of my boyfriend and they always proposed marriage to me. There was even one guy who let me meet his parents for lunch when we were still just dating. He wanted me to be his girlfriend and his parents pitched for him since I was a bit jaded at that time. It was really sweet.

I don't know why but they seemed to think I was wife material. It boggled me before. I would often wonder why they wanted to settle down with me. I wasn't the easiest girlfriend back then. Yes, I was very sweet and I really took care of them but I was also whiny when I don't get my way. As an ex would describe me, I could make him feel like he was the only person that mattered but when I was upset, I was also the devil incarnate.

I had too much passion in me I think.

I couldn't love nor hate like normal people. When I love, I really love. I give it my all. I give my relationships everything that I possibly can to make it work. I would make my man feel like he was the only thing that mattered in this world. I was not a nagging girl. I understand that guys need to go out and ogle girls and that is fine with me. I ogle men. As long as there was no cheating involved and its just plain heckling ang ogling, it was fine by me. I would even be the one to buy FHM magazine for him and encourage him to go on out on boy's night. I was that understanding.

When I do turn my back though, that's it as well. I have never gotten back with an ex no matter how much love I still had for him. It just wasn't in me. See, I don't give up on a relationship if I feel that it can still be worked on. Believe me when I say I have put up with some really not so good relationships because I thought that it could still work out. So when I leave, that's it. It's over for me. Its so over.

And now, I am choosing to turn my back on love. Yes, me, I am choosing this. Hard to believe if you knew me. I am in love with the idea of being in love. I am the ultimate romantic. I am the type of girl who still appreciates when someone gives me their seat in a bus or LRT. I am the girl who would completely swoon over if I receive flowers (come to think of it, its been a long time since I received some.) I am the girl who gets giddy at the thought of someone buying me cotton candy and saying that I am as sweet as cotton candy. Cheesy as it may sound, I am that girl.

For me to say goodbye to that is completely unfathomable to people who know me. Someone even told me, he hurt you that bad? I would have to say yes, I was that badly hurt. I just don't want to believe in love anymore. I refuse to be that vulnerable again. It hurts too much. To have given your love wholeheartedly and to have it thrown right back into your face is not something I would wish on people. The saying having your heart ripped into pieces is the most apt description.

Would I still fall in love in the future? I do not know. Right now, it would be a firm NO! For me to even entertain such thoughts, the guy would need to prove to me that he is worth it. He would need to show me that he is for real, that when he shows me what forever is, it is because he is ready to give me that forever. I don't ask for much you know. I don't ask for millions or diamonds. Just a cotton candy. Just the truth. Just someone who will love me for me and know my worth. In return, I will make him feel what it is like to be loved 100% ... what it is like to be the only thing that matters on earth.

If I can't have that, and I don't see that happening, I'd rather not have anything.

1 comment:

  1. Give it some time, Kay. I think you'll eventually fall in love again. BTW, I think all women are difficult.


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