all behind us now

And its all behind us now
Coz we learned to live somehow without each other ...

Listening to the lyrics of this song, I used to think that it was impossible that I would learn to live without him. How could I? He was the love of my life. Everything was about him. Everything reminded me of him. Every place, every scent, every song, every little thing was him, him, him.

It was painful. It was nauseating. It was heartbreaking.

It seems though that when things become too unbearable, when the one you love tells you to your face that you should no longer hope for he has no love left for you and he has met someone new, your mind will do what you thought was unthinkable and impossible.

My mind did.

Apparently, when my mind figured that I couldn’t take any more pain, it decided to just shut down the love that I was feeling for him. For a few more weeks from the time I found out he had someone new, it allowed me to feel excruciating pain until one day, it just stopped.

I just stopped. I stopped remembering him incessantly and whenever he would pop up, my mind would automatically think of something else. When it wouldn’t work, I would just remember that he was with someone new now. He was happy now ... and its no longer because of me. He was smiling again and I was no longer the reason for his smile. He was in a relationship ... and it wasn’t with me.

When everything else failed, I would rewind the scene where he told me so callously that he no longer loved me and that he doesn’t see us getting back together again. That stopped me right there and then.

Lately I learned that all these were lies. It seems he never stopped loving me. It seems all of it was part of a plan. It seems all the pain he inflicted was intentionally done. All the tears, the wailing, the heartbreak, and the pain .... it was all plotted and executed.

It doesn’t matter though. He may love me still but he is still the same coward that he became when he broke up with me. He still fears me and until that fear exists ... until he chooses that fear over anything else ... he and I ... will never be.

We will continue to live without each other. He with his fears and I with my career.


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2 comments:

  1. Stay happy mars!
    So proud of you kapag nababasa at nakakakita ako ng mga achievement mo sa FB.

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    1. Thank you Mars. Super touching. Thank you thank you thank you.

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