I don't want to be anything anymore

.... other than me.

When I was in grade school, most of my friends would always ask where my father was? I would always tell them that he was busy, or away on a trip, or on a business meeting. He was never there during the times that he was supposed to be. You know, the dances at school, the mini presentation, the little talks with the teacher that both parents are supposed to meet to check up how their kid are doing. He was never there.

During Father's Day, its always been hard for me to pick a card. See, most cards would say something about how their Dad has helped them with homework, given them wonderful advices, took them home from a party, or held them when they were crying due to a broken heart. I did not have that with my Dad and so it was really hard for me to choose a card for him. I have to opt for something that said a mere thank you coz that was all he deserved. A simple thank you for bringing me to this world.

When I was in high school, people would ask where my Dad was. I would say again the same lies but slowly, I realized that I shouldn't lie anymore. So I started telling the truth that we were his second family and was not really worth his time. I had this momentuous epiphany. We were asked to fill out a form for our guidance counsellor and underneath the parents choices, there were MARRIED, SEPARATED, and LIVING TOGETHER. Unfortunately, my parents are neither of the choices given below. So being the smart aleck that I was, I created another option which was OTHERS. I got called to the counsellor's office and was asked why I created OTHERS. So I had to explain and they felt sorry for me.

When I was in college, my classmates would wonder why it was during presentation, I would always talk about my Mom but never my Dad. I was more straightforward in saying that my Dad was too busy to make anytime to be in my life. Still, there was the part of me wanting to still pretend that maybe someday, a miracle will happen. Someday, he will stand up and realize that he misses us his kids and will want to be a better part of our life.

Now, I have my own kid. I still pretended for a time that maybe, just maybe, I will be his daughter. Maybe, just maybe, he will be a father. I hoped that one day, he will walk me to the altar. I hoped that one day, he will be proud of me.

I finally realized though that I don't want to be anything anymore but me. It's all going to be me. I refuse to be his daughter now as much as he refuses to be a Dad. He's not worth it. He never was a father except for the money he gave to get us to school. He never was a father. He never will be. I accept that now. No father will ever want what he wanted for us which is to be destroyed simply because we did not turn out the way he wanted us to be.

So thank you. Thank you for making me realize that I don't need your approval. Thank you for making me realize that I do not need you to be proud of me. I know that I am okay. I know that other Dad's would be proud to have a daughter like me. I don't need you. I never will. I'm so glad that my son will never know you. He doesn't need a grandfather like you. So thank you.

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3 comments:

  1. Neither of my parents were parents in the normal sense of the word. They provided a roof over my head and food on the table, but that was it. I was on my own most my life. But I think they are that way because that's how their parents were in China.

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  2. At least they were parents. My dad, save for his money, was never a dad.

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  3. It must be hard going through early life without the presence of your father. I admire how strong you turned out to be after being let down that way. God bless.

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Hi! Let's all try to add more positivity in this world and adhere to the saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say, keep silent."

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