So its the end of the year and along with it, the end of the hope that I have held on for the last 8 months since the funny man and I "officially" separated ways and a week since I last saw him and "unofficially" ended things.
The last 2 years have been all about the funny man. 2012 - 2013 was filled with stories of him, memories of him, rants about him, longing for him, and most of all, love and forgiveness for him. Love because I know that till now, I still do love him. Forgiveness because he has hurt me so much and yet I choose to forgive because that's what love is about.
To recap his story (and yes, this time its for real because 1. unless he had an epiphany that I am his one true love and he was crazy to throw me away 2. he actually gathers enough courage and bravery to overome his fear of me 3. do a lot of things to prove to me that he is worth my time and another chance 4. win me back 5. do all these at a time that I have not yet completely buried under 6,000 feet of walls my love for him) December 22 would truly be the end of our story.
I did learn a lot of things about relationships from him and I think that my readers could also learn a thing or two so I'm gonna go ahead and share it with you guys.
1. Forever is relative. It's not what we think when someone tells us "I'll love you forever." First half of December, the funny man was still telling me he loves me. Latter half, it was "I don't love you anymore." So you see, forever is relative. When we initially got together, he said I was the one and he can see that this was forever. It seems forever was only around 2 years or so for him.
2. Nothing would change my love for you is also not true. Love changes. It evolves. It goes North to South and East to West. Pray that when it does, your partner maintains the hold on your hand and doesn't drop you while you're swinging 10,000 feet above the air. It really hurts when you crash.
3. Sometimes, love just ain't enough. Cliche but true. FM loved me. He did. He really did. He just didn't love me enough. Hurtful to hear, hurtful to write, hurtful to accept but one must accept. He just didn't love me enough to fight for me, for us, for our love. So there.
4. Sweet gifts mean nothing. FM had a way with him where he'd give me something I really like then say something really horrible. Last April, he gave me some stuff from Misibis Bay along with a citymug then said in the next breath, "you know we're breaking up right?" No I did not thank you very much. Let me pick the pieces of my shattered heart.
This December, he hande me 2 citymugs and then admited that he no longer loved me. OUCH. I can't even describe the pain I felt at that moment or the pain I still feel everytime I remember him saying, "hindi na kita mahal. Sorry." Let me get a vacuum clearner for my heart is now in smithereens.
5. Letting go. This is probably the best lesson he's taught me. You see, I held on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on looooongggg after I should have let go. I held on because I thought we could work it out. I thought this and I thought that. What I failed to think of was that there was actually nothing for me to hold on to ... he has let go and he has left. All I was holding on to was a memory, a figment of my imagination. When I realized this, I learned to let go.
6. Don't slam doors, just close them but don't lock it. He thought me to have faith, believe, and to breathe. So I do, I am, and I will. Whether he is a part of my future or not, I know that as long as I have faith in myself that I am worthy, I believe that things will always be okay, and I never forget to step back and take a deep breath, I'll be okay.
Sometimes, I still feel the urge to call him or text him ... to check on how he is and find out if he is okay. I still do but then I remember ... he chose himself .... so its time I also chose me.
However, before I gently close the door ... I want to say to him, thank you ... for destroying me and my heart. You paved the way for me to build a better and stronger version of myself as well as paved the way for me to place my heart where it should be. I'm not mad at you. I'm not bitter. I'm resigned. I've accepted that its the end for us.
If fate will lead us to each other again, I would have to say that fate has her work cut out for her because I refuse to help fate again.I refuse to aid and abet and so whatever she had plans, if it involves us seeing each other again or talking or *gasp* being together again, she really needs to put her game plan on.
Thank you Mr. Funny Man ... for the last 2 years. It truly was kulayful. I don't know if you still check on my blog but I just have to write this and then I will no longer write about you. I hope.
You will always have a special place in my heart but its time to let go and move on. You've been pushing me away for the last 8 months. You no longer need to. I'm stepping away. I'm finally, truly, giving you what you need which is for me to no longer exist in your life.
It's a bittersweet feeling but for the first time, I can smile through the tears because I know that this is what will be good for me ... and as you very well taught me, I need to choose me. It's time.
PS: Fate mocks me. Before It Explodes by Charice just played in the background as I was posting this. Really fate? TSE!