2 weeks later, I'm writing about it again because today, yes, TODAY, I finally really got it. TRUST and LET GO. Trust that things will happen when they need to happen or when its time for them to happen and let go of MY DESIRE to get FM back NOW.
I thought when Nature, Vids, and Allan kept telling me to let go, it meant let go of FM. I couldn't. The intensity of my love for him is even more now that we had broken up than when we were together. Crazy right? As for FM, he told me that his love for me is lesser now. It hurt but at least he still loves me. I gotta accept what I can get.
Let go. It means to let go of my insane desire to get him back now. Let go. It means to let go of my desire to get him to heal and forgive me for hurting him. I need to let go and let him heal on his own time and I need to let him be ready in his own time. I cannot force him, cajole, court, nor do anything to make him do what I want until he's ready to do it wholeheartedly.
FM and I have seen each other regularly since we parted ways. We've talked and hanged out. We've shared laughter and a hug here and there. I should savor those moments and just enjoy it as it happens. I shouldn't keep worrying about the future. I shouldn't worry about the what if's and just focus on the now. I should just enjoy whatever moment I can get with him if it happens.
I realized that the reason I felt miserable or sad after every meeting with him is because deep inside, I had hoped that it would lead to us getting back together. So when it doesn't happen or when he doesn't make his presence felt the day after, I become sad. If I learn to just accept a meet up as a meet up, an opportunity to see him, be with him, and just have fun with him, then I won't be sad the day after.
I used to always have a plan and when it gets derailed, I'd be upset. I realized that this time around, there is no timetable. I don't own it. It's not in my hands and as Dory told Nemo's Dad, "It's time to let go." I may not know what will happen but I need to simply trust that what will happen is what is meant to happen. After all ...
The people who want to stay in my life will find their way back to my life. He may get lost for a while but eventually, he will realize I am home. If not, then I was never home to him and I need to accept that painful as it will be.
So, for now ..
I need to ...
In the end, it always works out. I need to keep believing that it will. After all, I got nothing to lose anymore. I've already lost FM since he's no longer mine. I might as well have faith and ...
To you FM, in case you get to read this ... I am not giving up. I am not getting tired. I am just letting go of my desire to get you back now. I understand that you need to come back to me in your own time. I need to respect that. For now, I will be the friend that you want me to be.
I will continue to love you but I will not burden you with my love anymore. I need to keep it to myself and just love you on my own.
For now, I will focus on loving me and making me a better person so that when you are ready, you will come back to a person who is a much better version of me and someone who is ready to be loved because I have learned to love myself again. This will be my mantra now.
Till fate leads us back to each other ....