The last 20 months, I can say that I have been happy with J ... but at the back of my mind, its always been the need to behave because he might leave me if I don't behave. This intensified even more after the cool off period when he would easily snap at the slightest mistake.
Yesterday, I finally had the courage to ask him what was up ... and to verify if what I was feeling was right. And I was ...
A week ... for a week he has been flirting with random girls he picked up via chattv. The excuse? He needed someone to talk to about us who would not be bias. The clincher? The girls were all told that he had no girlfriend. I find it hard to talk to someone about a girlfriend who's not even supposed to exist.
And so I let go ... and he let go ... he dumped me and I accepted it. He said his main reason was "you love me too much." I thought the "its not you its me" excuse was the most lame but this one topped the list.
So finally, its over. No more worrying if he's cheating on me or not (he is!), no more thinking of how I should be when he's around so that he won't get upset with me. No more begging for attention, a text message, a call, or his love.
No more you. Finally, it really is over.
I'm glad it happened though. The lessons I learned are invaluable. I know now that I can really love, with everything that I have, with no limitations. I am capable of loving. Damn capable. And I am proud of that ... its not my loss that you were not capable of receiving it appreciating it.
I'm just glad that finally, it really is truly over.