A fellow blogger made a comment on my post that made me think ... she said its a good thing that I have finally forgiven my ex for hurting me ... but have I forgiven myself?
Have I? The answer is no. I have not forgiven myself for falling in love with RA. I have not forgiven myself for letting him make a fool of me, belittle me, make me do things that no sane human being would do, hurt me physically and emotionally ... and just plain make me feel that I was unworthy of anything.
My answer to this is no. I guess this is also the reason why I kept pushing J away. In some ways, I was telling myself that I did not deserve to be loved, that I did not deserve to be treated well, that I am unworthy. I was punishing myself and J was roadkill.
Time away from J has made me think of a lot of things. It has allowed me to reflect on a lot of aspect on my life. I have realized that I came to rely on him for my happiness and whenever I would feel really happy, a small voice inside would say that I don't deserve it and I would do something to make things bad. This will stop now.
I read an older post of mine that showed a picture saying "we accept the love we think we deserve" and it is true. It was true 2 years ago when I made that post and it still is. I accepted that love I think I deserved. I realized now that I need to love me so that someone else can love me. I need to respect me so that someone else can respect me.
I am learning new things being on my own. It's scary ... but it's something I am ready to face now. I will start forgiving myself and rediscover who I really am ... and then I will know ... what kind of love I really deserve and I will become the lover that I am supposed to be ... trusting, loving, respectful, and nurturing.
I forgive myself. I need to.