send in the clowns ....

Tomorrow would have been our 13th month together. I say would have been because for now, we're no longer together. Yes, the funny man has taken a bow and will not be seen for now.

To say my heart is in tatters would be an understatement. To say that I am heartbroken is not enough. I have cried, wept, and shed buckets. For now, he is gone. For now, he wouldn't be the reason for my smiles and there won't be any laughter, snickers, or giggles. For now, there will only be silence.

Have you ever wished for someone who will love you and accept you for who you truly are? Have you ever prayed so hard to find someone who will take care of you and who just wants to make you smile?

I did.

My prayers were answered. And when it was, I got scared. I got really, really scared. I thought it was too good to be true. I thought eventually he would leave me. I thought it wasn't real. So I never really believed and I hurt him ... and hurt him ... and hurt him. I hurt him so badly that though he wants to continue, he feels that he no longer can.

I hurt the one person, aside from my Mom, who really loved me. I hurt him.

Now, he's gone. He's no longer in my life and it hurts so much.

I will miss the way he would check on me, if I got to work safely, if I've eaten, or when I'm feeling not so good, how he'd come to my rescue. I will miss his positivity and how he's so chill in almost every situation. I will miss his calmness and even his logic. He has taught me so much in so little time. Most of all, I will miss how he loves me and how much he makes me feel that I am loved.

He feels that he can no longer make me happy. He doesn't know that the mere fact that he exists, and that he allows me to be a part of his life, even as a friend, makes me happy because its him. He feels that I do not appreciate him and he's right. I took him for granted. I thought that he'd never leave me and I didn't take care of him. Now, he's gone and all I can wish for is to turn back time so that I can right all the wrongs that I did.

All he wanted was for me to trust him and respect him. I learned that too late. Finally, I trusted that he loved me and cared for me. Unfortunately, he no longer believes that he can make me happy or that we would work. I asked for one more chance but it was too late. The dam has overflowed.

So now, I have to respect that he no longer wants to be with me. For now, I need to just be a friend. I need to be what he will let me be in his life. I need to relearn things. I need to be strong and to learn to control my temper and handle my emotions. I need to stop reacting and start responding. I need and I will be a better version of me so that when he's ready to be with me again, I'll be whole and ready to love him the way I should have the first time around.

I hope that in time, I'll get the chance to start over again with him. I hope that in time, he'll be my funny man once more. I hope in time, that that time will come.When that time comes, I will ensure that the 2nd time around, it will be for forever.

Until then, I will wait for him. I will wait and while I'm waiting, I will grow as a person and I will be a better version of me. 

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  1. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes the reason is that it will make us stronger and a better person.

  2. I really felt so sad while reading this and wonder why there's always an end for every happy things? Maybe my point of view is quite different from others but, for me, end is an end with a hope of new beginning. Either with same person or different.