I am GLEE ...

I watch the show Glee a bit religiously I have to admit. After watching, I'd be downloading the songs they performed and can be found belting the songs or listening to it over and over again. If not, I'd most likely be playing my Glee playlist and reliving the songs over and over again.

Tonight, as I was watching Rachel sing "Get it Right," I felt that connection again and I realized why I love the show so much. It's not just the songs they sing or the way they perform it. It's not just the storyline or the characters. It is because I see myself in them. I see bits and pieces of me in the characters.

I am Rachel. I used to be her anyway. I used to believe that one day, I will be a star and my star will shine brightly above the sky. Nowadays, its more of I am a falling star.

I am Quinn. I am the Queen Bee in any group I join if I want to be and though I sometimes come off as being a bitch, I do have my good side that I rarely show except to my friends and family.

I am Santana. I have my flirty side that I sometimes unleash but lately, I've been wanting to bury deep under the ground.

I am Britney. Sometimes, I just have dumb moments.

I am Tina. I stand out in a room full of blondes and I am the only brunette. Sometimes I just want to blend in but I stick out like sore thumb.

I am Mercedes. I may be curvaceous but I know that I am worth something. Sometimes though, I have moments of doubt. Sometimes, that sometimes lingers.

I am Finn. I am awkward and I am good at hiding my fears. I fear rejection and so sometimes, I pretend to be okay even when I am not. No one really wants to hear the truth when they ask you how are you and so I have learned to say "I'm good" and plaster a smile to my face.
I am Puck. I have a rebellious side that I keep in check but sometimes, it peeks it ugly head. When this happens, "breathe" and "let it be" will happen.

I am Artie. I am trapped. I want to do a lot of things but I can't because I am in a situation and so I just have to make the most out of it.

I am Kurt. I am different. I am unique.

I am all of them rolled into one. I am everything and I am nothing.

I am GLEE.

updated version of me ...

I've always found myself thinking that if someone loves me, then they should be ready to accept me for what and for who I am. Recently, I met someone who would always encourage me to be a better version of me. He would tell me that this is what he is doing, becoming a better version of himself and I should do the same, or rather, everyone else should do the same.

I was resistant at first but lately, I have realized that he was right. Sadly, he is not a constant presence in my life anymore so he won't be here to cheer me on my journey to becoming a better me. I hope though that he will get to meet the updated version of me and like what he sees.

For now, I may not have been good enough but I know that once I have improved, I will be more than enough.

dear heart

Here we go again, falling for the wrong person, or should I say fallen? Is he really the wrong person? I don't know heart. What do you think? Do you think he is right for you? Do you think he cares about you?

Same shit heart. Same shit again. You love someone who loves himself more. Why can't you do the same heart? Stop it. Please heart, stop it. You're breaking again. Remember what I told you? You can't break anymore. Stop breaking. I don't know if there will be a strong enough adhesive or glue that can put you back together if you break once more.

He says you are the right love but it happened at the wrong time. He has a point heart. He does have a point.

Stop pretending you are okay. Stop smiling. Stop pretending. You are not. The earlier you admit it, the faster you can heal. You still need to heal. You haven't fully healed and now, you have new wounds that need to be tended to.

Are you not tired of hurting heart? Are you not tired of taking care of someone? Of loving someone who does not love you back?

I am. I am tired of seeing you with tears in your eyes. I am tired of picking up the pieces of you scattered all around the floor. I am tired of seeing you hurt over someone who does not seem to care that you are hurting. I AM TIRED HEART. I AM TIRED.

Aren't you?

- your brain

DBT and some Luk Yuen

I spent time with my family today. It has been a while since we last went out. We went to Manila Bay to lend some support to my brothers who were once again competing in another regatta. Luckily, they placed again.

Afterwards, we had a late lunch at Luk Yuen and had too much to eat. It seems I am no longer used to eating a lot for eventhough my eyes were still wanting the food on the table, my stomach just couldn't take it in anymore.

All in all, it was a pretty good Sunday. :)

my sentiments on the Japan earthquake

So, another disaster has struck the world. Everyone is all gungho watching it on CNN and other news channel (myself included) and I was in tears watching the destruction happening. Do I have family there? No. Do I have friends there? No. Do I know people there? No. Yet, I am affected.

I am affected for I am human. I am affected and I am angry.

Yes, I am angry. It pisses me off bigtime when I see status messages that say: "I hope the Filipinos are okay in Japan." or "I hope the so and so religious sect are all doing well."

COME ON! Stop being so narrow minded and selective people. If you are gonna pray, pray for EVERYONE. The Japanese are humans too and whatever religion they may be, they are HUMAN too. So if you will pray, pray for everyone. If you want to be choosy, then don't include the rapists, child molesters and other criminals but don't say "Please keep the Pinoy's safe."

We're not special. God is not going to choose to save just the Filipino simply because we're such "prayer loving creatures."

Get over yourself. GGGRRRRRR!!!!

And so I say, I pray for strength for everyone who has been affected by this and I hope that we all heal and learn to care for each other.

That's all.

I am a C+!

I am a talker. This would have come as a surprise to my Mom since I was already 2 years old but they have not heard a peep come out of my cute little mouth.

Yep! They actually thought I was mute. Anyone who knows me now would roll on the floor laughing if I ever told them this.

I am a talker. I talk a lot, not because I like the sound of my voice but because I just have so many things to say. Never mind that the teacher is also talking in front, I will talk. Never mind that the teacher is ready to kill me, I will share what is on my mind. Never mind that the teacher has put lipstick on my face, taped my mouth, and placed me on a chair beside her so that I will be away from my classmates and be facing them instead, I will talk.

I am a talker. I will share my stories, write about it, talk about it, rehash it and talk about it over and over again. Sometimes, I even talk to my cat. Worse, I talk to myself.

I do that you know. I talk to myself. I even role play in my mind. Say, I will imagine someone and have a dialogue with that person in my head. Yes, I do that  for I am a talker.

I am the life of the party. I dominate forums. I am the center of attention for I am a talker. I engage people. I get them drawn to my stories till they would feel whatever emotion it is that I am feeling. I weave stories and paint a picture with my words. I am a talker.

I am a talker and this is why my whole life when I was in school, my conduct was C+. And that, is the point, of my entire entry. LOL.

50 Book Challenge for 2011

I am partaking of this challenge for 2011. The challenge is very simple; its the accomplishing it part that is a bit hard. It's been almost 9 weeks into 2011 and here are the books I have read so far.

1. James Patterson - Cross Roads
2. Being Happy
3. Chicken Soup for the Coffee Lover's Soul
4. Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus
5. Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom
6. He's Just Not that Into You
7. Little Women
8. PS I Love You
9. Ako ay Pilipino
10. Chicken Soup for the Chocolate Lover's Soul
11. Gone with the Wind (still reading)

I am ashamed of myself. I should have read more but life got in the way. I need to do better.

* image not mine

ATC with B

It's been quite some time since B and I bonded and so yesterday, despite the wanting to stay at home and lounge around, I went to  ATC with him to give him his playtime and let him socialize with other children. I think he had too much fun because he came back to where Nanny R and I were seated all drenched from the fountain. I did reprimand him but did not scream at him. LOL. I understand more now that he needs to learn from his mistakes. What I did was to make him stop playing after the following:

1. he pushed a kid off the slide (thank God the kid was not hurt)
2. he took a leftover drink of some random person
3. he took a shower in the fountain area

I think it works because he knew it was his fault and so he didn't make too much of a fuss. :)

We ended the night by browsing for books at Powerbooks and eating at Jollibee. All in all, we had fun. :)

put on hold ....

Yesterday, after days of overanalyzing, not analyzing, analyzing, stopping myself from analyzing, I got the answers to the questions I had in mind. Yesterday, I finally knew what I have been wanting to know.

Do I like the answers that I received? Maybe ... yes, no? I think its moot and academic to have feelings for the answers. I think this time, I just need to accept that it is what it is. Life is not fair and sometimes you think you may have found someone but in reality, things are gonna be put on hold because its not yet the time.

Fate was mocking me. I brought a book and grabbed a bookmark. While I was waiting for him, I read. I flipped over the bookmark at one point and guess what the bookmark has written on it?

"What happens when the right people click at the wrong time?" 

Boom! Fate mocks me.

So for now, I am on hold. We are on hold. We take things one day at a time ... he will text when he wants to and I will do the same. There will be moments of thinking of each other and not wanting to think of each other so we will keep busy. At least I know he feels the same, he does the same and its not just me going nuts here.

As he said, I a the glitch to his matrix. I am the MALWARE and TROJAN virus to his PC all wrapped into one. I scare him so much because I affect him that much. At least now I know.

At least he doesn't know what he is in my life. For now, he cannot really know. And as with anything ... I will just sing what I truly feel.

So, from the epic musical Les Miserables ...

"I love him

I love him

I love him

But only ON MY OWN."

saturday night fun ...

The day started with a lot of jitters on my nerves because of a talk that I was very wary of with someone special to me. Finally, after almost an hour of being late, he arrives. I am no longer pissed for he is nothing but consistent that he is late in all our meetings. I told him that if he will ever be on time, I'd do some backflips just to show how appreciated it would be. LOL.

Anyway, the talk went pretty well and I feel relieved now. Seriously. The amount of agonizing I went through was just not worth it. It was a bit too much and I am really glad that we were able to talk and I got answers to the questions in my head. I feel much better now. :)

Afterwards, we parted ways and I was ready to meet my new friend Tin and spend some girl time with her. On my way, I received a text from someone asking me out ( I think!) and I told him that I couldn't watch a movie but if he would like, he could join my friend and I and joked that he could also treat us to dinner.

He agreed. YEY ME! Hahahaha.

We ended up eating at John and Yoko and I was thanking my lucky stars because in just one week, I was able to try out 3 of the restos that I have been wanting to try in Greenbelt 5. All of them for free. Hahahaha. Such a lucky gal I am.

Anyway, here are some shots of the John and Yoko Place and the food we ordered.

chicken teriyaki and mango pizza (super yummy!)

sunset prawn salad

scallops

wagyu rice

Afterwards, when we were barely able to walk, we planned to go to SB and just chill when we realized that we had to attend another event by our online community. Not wanting to be the killjoy or being tagged unsupportive, we trooped over there at Central in Makati and stayed for an hour. We honestly enjoyed their Slush Iced Tea. YUMMYNESS! See, there was no need to get drunk just so we could have fun.

And to cap the night, we went and tried out the Drive Thru of the Starbucks at the Fort. It was a first for both of them and a second time for me. They had fun and I had so much fun as well. :)

Thanks guys! It was truly a relaxing night.

the filler ...

I used to call myself the  meantime girl ... and someone told me that I shouldn't call myself that. I realized that he was right ... I wasn't a meantime girl. I am more of a filler. I fill whatever is missing in a guy's life. If they miss having a companion, I am that. If they miss having a movie buddy, I am that. If they need someone to talk to, be smart, and laugh at their jokes, I am that as well. If they need someone to flatter their bruised ego, then I'm there.

I'm a filler. And sometimes, these guys make me feel special ... sometimes, they make me feel like I matter ... and sometimes, I believe them.

And so, when I stop filling whatever is needed to be filled ... and when they stop making me feel like I am special ... when they stop caring ... I need to pretend that I don't hurt.

After all, I am just a filler.

date a girl who reads ...

This is by Rosemarie Urquico. I wish I wrote this. It shares what my exact thoughts are.

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes."

And I think this lil poem from 10 Things I Hate About You sums up everything ...

I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair,
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when your stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind,
I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right, I hate it when you lie,
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate it that I don’t hate you.
Not even a little bit.
Not even close.
Not even at all.


* no original thoughts from me. It's all a jumble of words for now.  

Chateu 1771 dinner

A high school crush of mine surprised me by waiting for me at the ground floor of my office Wednesday night. Surprise being the keyword here because I had no idea he'd be there in the first place. I was ready to go home and mope but he saved the day.

We ended up at Chateu 1771 and I was so happy because I was supposed to have brunch there Wednesday morning, only to find out that they don't serve breakfast anymore. God must love me though because not only did I get to eat at this resto that I have been wanting to try but I had a night of fun and laughter with someone whom I never thought I would have the chance to eat with.

You see, back in high school, he would just ignore me. Completely ignore me. When he would bother to look at me though, it would be mostly to glare at me and so I'd end up tripping over myself. A decade later and the tables have turned. It seems he now fancies me and I am over my school girl crush.

Life! Men are sometimes just idiots. When you want them, they don't want you. When you don't want them anymore, then they start wanting you. TOINK!

Anyway, here are some shots of the night.

I want to go back to this place. I think it's worth another try.

Oplan Goddess

So its already March and I am now dead serious about losing weight and becoming the goddess that I used to be. I will do it the right way though by still eating but adding more dancing and exercise. I have to. My pride is on the line.

Too many cute and gorgeous dresses that won't look so good in my uber voluptuous body. Besides, someone told me that he will most likely worship me like a goddess if i become sexier. There, motivation.

Hahahaha ... you think I can do it? I'm about 40lbs overweight now in my opinion. What's the realistic goal to lose that 40 unwanted fat? May? June?

HELP!

this is my tummy/waist