someday

This post is a tribute to the men whose lives were once intertwined with mine.

Someday, someone's gonna love you the way you wanted me to love you. Someday, you will realize that when I broke your heart, I was actually opening the door to a better world for you. I hope that someday you will find the girl you've been looking for, the one who will make you feel the love you felt for me, if not even more.

To M, thank you for opening the world of love to me when I felt I was not ready. You were my high school sweetheart and you will always be. You were my first heartbreak as well and it took me over two years just to get over you. I still think of you from time to time, wondering if you are happy with her, hoping that you are because I still care for you. I know you don't know this but my heart broke when you sent me that last text, 7 years after we broke up. I knew that it was the last time I would hear from you and 3 years later, you've never made your presence felt. You will always have a special place in my heart.

To J, you saved me from obsessing over M. Getting to you though was an arduous trip. I had to break someone's heart and a lifetime friendship. I am sorry about that. I was vindictive and petty. I think I still am but I'm learning to control it. Thank you for showing me that I am worthy of loving and fighting for. Thank you for accepting me at my lowest moments in life. Thank you for proving to me that some good things never last. I've learned that lesson the hard way but it has made me a stronger person as well.

To R, you were the perfect guy, the one guy every girl dreams of having. Romantic, sweet,real, funny, thoughtful, educated, loyal, faithful, and puts the relationship first before anything. Unfortunately, we were just two different creatures with too different tastes. One of us had to change 360 degrees just to be with the other. I couldn't let you live that lie your whole life. I knew you were willing but it was unfair to you. So I had to let you go.

To all three of you, you have shaped me to be the woman that I am now. you have in your own ways made me who I am as a person. For that, I am forever grateful. For the tears that I've shed for you, some of it was worth all the pain while some were not. But every single tear I've shed has made me stronger and better.

I hope that you can say the same thing for me but I know that in your own ways, you will never be able to forgve me for hurting you. I'm sorry. I hope that you can let go of the pain so that you will have room for love, for that one woman who will change everything.Till then, someday ... I hope someone will love you the way you wanted me to love you.

2 Comments:
Heart of Rachel said...
I've had my share of heartaches too. I have learned from the pain and somehow I have become a better person ... I would like to believe so.
at 3:47 PM

LauraJ said...
how sweet was this? You are a treasure to behold my dear!
at 10:27 PM
=

empty promises

Why do friendships end? How can two people who get along so well, and have so much in common that they can spend the rest of the day drinking coffee and trading stories suddenly find themselves not being able to go beyond the casual hi's and hello's? Why is it so easy to tell someone that I will be your friend no matter what and then be able to turn your back on that person just as easily? Why do friends have to fall in love and fall out? Why is it so hard to forgive a friend who betrayed you? Why is it that we always choose our significant other over our so called best friend?I have lost so many friends over the years. Some are just floating, still within reach. Others have really drifted, and is way beyond my reach. Some come back but I'm hesitant to reach out, fearing for the safety of my own heart.Why does this have to happen? Why must we kiss? Why must we fall in love knowing that it can never be? Why must we fight? Why must we analyze every single nuance of a word, an action? Why must we put more importance in what we think is right over what we call our friendship? Why does pride get in the way? How can we fix this broken chain?Lastly, tell me why must you make me believe in words that we both know are just empty promises?


2 Comments:
Judy Thomas said...
{{hugs}} It's hard when forever friendships and loves turn out not to be. But the only way to completely protect yourself from the possibility of being hurt is also to cut yourself from the possibility of feeling love from friends. That's not fair to you. I love you... and I'm here for you .. email me if you need to.
at 10:19 AM

VAIL said...
I have been close to where you are at. Neither side is an easy one to be on. Both are confusing and stressful. Thought you may like a "poem" I posted a few months ago . . .http://wannabethoughts.blogspot.com/2007/03/heartfelt.html
at 11:12 AM

silver lining on the horizon

There's always a silver lining after a storm. I think that's how the saying goes. After a month of storm, I can now say that I see the sun starting to shine. I have my family back and I am secured once more. This does not mean that I will take the security I have for granted. To some it may sound superficial and maybe it is but I feel that I need to do this.

Men are indeed visual creatures and when the person that they spend most of their time with is no longer that appealing, they will tend to look elsewhere. Hence, I'll do my best to make sure that if he does look another way, he will find it very hard to do so. I have to admit that I have let go of my appearance for the past 2 years or so, always thinking that he loves me for what I am and can accept that I am a massive blob.

Unfortunately, this is the real world and my Prince Charming is able to find other Princesses or Wiked Witches I should say. And in this real world, women have to take care of their looks, hence risking the fact that their own Prince Charming may be wooed away by the Wicked Witch of the West.

Lesson learned for me and I hope it will be a wake up call to all the woman out there. Yes, you may not be married to someone who values physical as well as what is inside. Yes, you may be married to someone who swears you are the only one. My question though is, are you willing to risk the possibility of your Prince findng someone simple because you do not have time to look good for him? I would suggest that you do not do that. Or if it sounds superficial ... think of it this way. When we go to parties or functions, we make an effort to look good right? Can we not do the same for our own Prince?

Your thoughts?

should I stay or should I go?

How long does it take for someone to say, "I love you" and mean it? Does it take a moment, a wday, a week, a month, a year, or a lifetime? How do you know that it really is love? How do you know it's not just infatuation or deep desire? How do you know that when you promise to honor somone, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse .... that they really mean it? That you really mean it?

I love her but I chose you and our family because I felt guilty and I know that it was wrong. I still love you too. I've just been complacent coz I knew that you would never leave me because you love me.

What does that mean? How can you fall in love with someone you met 2 weeks ago and had an affair with for a week? You had stolen moments. You had lil time. how can you know someone well enough to fall in love with them in such a short time? Why was it in two weeks you were able to give her the things I've been asking from you? Time, attention, effort, kisses, and hugs.

Why couldn't you do the same for me? You said I was a good partner, that I took care of you and everything else. You said I was too good that you felt too secured. Why did you have to hurt me this way? I feel so broken ... I feel so lost.Why?

10 Comments:
Judy Thomas said...
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} My dear friend, I do understand what you are going through and I hurt for you. There are no easy answers to this kind of pain and betrayal. If you want to email or call me, I'm here for you. Praying God's strenghth for you as you face this and try to figure out what to do.I love you.
at 10:34 AM

Daddy Forever said...
I'm sorry Kay. I really am. I don't think you can fall in love with someone you just met. And I don't understand how he can cheat and still say he loved you. Be strong, Kay. I hope you find happiness and love again soon.

at 2:28 PM
May said...
Kay, {{{Hugsss}}} I texted you. Hope you got it.

at 2:55 PM
Vader's Mom said...
Prayers. Lots and lots of prayers.

at 7:01 AM
Nerina said...
oh girl, i dont know what to tell you except that im here for u and i love u loads!friendster me ur fone number so i can call you. love yahnerina
at 9:06 AM
Mec said...

i don't really have answers to your questions...all i know is that choosing to love someone is a choice you have to make everyday, otherwise, the love itself will weaken... the relationship itself may die...hopefully, there will be people to help you guys through this... marriages CAN survive infidelity if both of you really work on it... I can't really tell you to forgive him outright, and I can't tell you not to forgive him either... this is something that you and your partner will really have to decide upon and work on...I just hope, you both make the right decision... and you both end up happy pa din... in time :)
at 2:28 PM

wayabetty said...
I'm so sorry Kay! Hang in there my friend!

at 6:43 PM
Heart of Rachel said...
My heart goes out for you Kay. I hope that God will help you make the right decision.
at 9:16 PM

Biker Betty said...
{{{hugs}}} to you Kay. I've been away from the blogosphere for a while and sorry to read about your troubles. What he did is very hurtful and sometimes these things only happen once and never again. Listen to your instincts. If you get a rash thought, wait a day to make sure. I'll be praying for you.
at 2:44 PM

Judy Thomas said...
I'm just checking in to see how you are doing. Email me if you want: maracujabr at hotmail dot com
at 11:41 AM

all out of love

They say that when you love someone, your patience grows because you learn to give way to the idiosyncracies of that person. They say you become saintly because you learn to forgive easily. They say that you become a martyr because you would rather sacrifice yourself in favor of the other person's feelings. They say this and they say that.

They say too that true love never dies. They say that love is unconditional and that no matter how many times you get hurt, you will be able to forgive your love one and move on. What if you can't do it anymore? What if that person was able to numb you to a point where you no longer care? What if that person was able to hurt you so bad that you just don't feel anything anymore? Are you still inlove with that person then? Do you still love that person? Or has that person manage to squeeze out all the love you have for him? If yes, how could it have been love in the first place?

I know a lot would say "move on then!" Leave him! Get someone much better. If only it was that easy. If only it was as easy as packing your stuff and moving out. What if it's not? What if there are other people involved? What if there are a lot of other people who will get hurt? What if there is one perfect lil angel that would be most devastated?

What are you to do then?


10 Comments:

Ninotchka said...
Oh man. I have no answers. Just sending you lots of love and light to hopefully see you through this tough time. If only it were enough!
at 11:49 PM

Nerina said...
girl, i know how it feels. u need to sit yourself down and ask yourself, is it love? or are u just so used to him being around that you're so attached. it is very very very easy to confuse love and attachment. and think about it, would this angel be happier in a home with 1 parent who is happy and content? or in a house where where things arent great?dont use ur angel to make u stay. to keep u together. do what u have to do to make sure your angel has the happiest life possible. whether its with 1 parent or 2. love u girl, im here for u. -nerina
at 6:40 AM

Judy Thomas said...
{{{{hugs}}}} I don't have any easy answers. You have to do what you have to do. Sometimes that means hurting other people. Sometimes that means hurting yourself while trying to hold everything together. The hard thing is... if you are hurting yourself, you're not going to be what you need to be for that precious little one. And, sometimes people can hurt you so bad, all you can do is protect yourself. Only the person involved can know how much is too much and when to call it a day. I love you.
at 9:16 AM

May said...
Kay sweetie, missed you! What's wrong? *cry* It's not clear, I can only make assumptions. I hope I'm wrong! :( It's a temporary fix, whatever it is okay? Hang in there.
at 9:37 AM

Daiz said...
Being a mom is hard enough, but raising a kid alone is a lot harder. I should know. Are things really irrepairable between you and B's dad? Maybe you could talk about it and work things out. But if being together harms your son more than it benefits him, then I guess it's time to move on. I'm sure you'll come out fine through this hard time in your life. Good luck!
at 9:45 AM

graymama said...
{{{{Hugs}}}}I think what matters most is what you say, think and feel. Listen to your heart and do what feels right.Here is one of my favorite quotes about love:"Spontaneous and honest love admits errors, hesitations, and human failings; it can be tested and repaired. Idealized love ties us because we already intuit that it is unreal and are afraid to face this truth."--Nancy Friday
at 12:34 PM

zhasha said...
am hoping that you and hubby would work it out.. you sure do have a beautiful family to keep.. don't let selfishness and pride break your happy family..am sure you both love each other... and you equally love your lil tornado.. havin' said that, LOVE is still worth all our sacrifices.. just remember the day you first learned that you love him.. feel that same love.. then.. forgive... then love him more... from the bottom of my heart, i pray that things will all go well and perfect..hugs for you kay!!!
at 9:43 PM

Mommy Len said...
Having a family has always it's trials, be strong and think really hard before you make a decision. I know it's not easy especially when you're thinking of you li'l angel. I hope you'll make the right choice. Keep on praying and I'm sure you'll find the right answer. *hugs & prayers*
at 3:07 PM

Haze said...
i don't want to assume the worst. i can't say everything's going to be alright when i don't know the whole story. but then, as a friend, all i could give is a warm hug and a prayer for you and your angel. hang in there dear. and let's hope for the best. be strong. *big hug* to you and lil tornado.
at 4:11 PM

Heart of Rachel said...
Hi Kay. I'm sorry to read the sadness in your words. Love is always worth fighting for at some point but you will also know when it is enough.Hope everything will work out for the best. God bless.
at 9:14 PM

certified potterholic

I know this is silly for a Mom to be thinking of but I seriously am thinking of buying this. If my team would do well, I think I can actually get this. Hmmm ...

The listing price is $195 but Barnes & Noble has a discounted preorder of $136.50. Amazon has it for $120.

It's worth it. Seriously.

a creed to live by

Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different and that each of us is special.

Don’t let your goals be what other people deem important, only you know what’s best for you.

Don’t take for granted the things close to your heart, cling to them as you would your life for without them, life is meaningless.

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past of for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.

Don’t give up when you have something to give, nothing is really over until the moment you stopped trying.

Don’t be afraid to admit you’re less perfect, it is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking chances that we learn to be brave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.The quickest way to receive love, is to give love, the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly, and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don’t dismiss your dreams, to be without dreams, is to be without hope; to be without hope, is to be without a purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast that you forget not only where you’ve been, but also where you’re going.

LIFE IS NOT A RACE, BUT A JOURNEY TO BE SAVOURED EACH STEP OF THE WAY.

*** I don't know who wrote this but if you can give me the name, it would be much appreciated.

overcoming fears

Just a few minutes ago, I have conquered a huge fear I've had since I was a lil girl. Yes, the kind of fear that leaves you paralyzed or has you screaming your head off like a banshee. The kind that has you imagining things or not being able to sleep simply because you know its there, waiting to jump at you the moment you start snoring.

I never thought I could do it. But I guess after giving them power over me for the past 26 years has finally taken its toll. So a few minutes ago, upon realizing that I had to leave the safety of my dreams coz I needed to pee badly and realizing that it was the only thing standing in the way, I realized I had to do it.

After 26 years, I finally killed a roach.

5 Comments:
Vader's Mom said...
I so sorry you had to overcome THAT fear, but I'm proud of you for doing it!!!
at 7:17 AM

Mommy Len said...
I'm also scared of roaches, arggh... but sometimes when badly needed, i can kill the ones that crawl. when i saw a sign that their about to fly, i know that it's also a sign for me to run and just be a coward.
at 10:02 PM

May said...
LOL, pardon me laughing Kay.. it was jost so serious at first. Hey, hey, big leap for you, mwahuggs!
at 11:19 PM

Heart of Rachel said...
Oh my, we share the same fears Kay. I'm terrified of them! Good for you! I know how hard that must have been.
at 10:23 AM

graymama said...
Good for you :-) Sounds like my fear of spiders. EEK!
at 11:52 AM

B's 2nd Birthday

Here's a peek to what happened. I say peek coz I don't have enough energy to do more than that. I also wanna apologize to my blog friends whom I have not visited. Rest assured its because I am drowning with too much work but I will get back in the blogosphere once things pipe down ... I think in August. So for now, show me you love me guys. Mwah!

teaching and learning

In just a day, my baby will turn 2 years old. I ask myself, what have I taught him so far? What has he learned from me? Have I been a good mother? Have I been the mother that he needs me to be? Have I spent enough quality time with him? Do I deserve to be his mother?

I think of these questions and I realize that ... though I may not be perfect (far from it actually) I have strived to be perfect for him. Though I may be lacking in patience, my patience has grown gargantually the past year. I've realized that what matters is that I am working hard to make a living for him, that I play with him when I have the energy to do so, that I know my limitations and will never again force myself to be be uppity up when I'm at ground zero, and that I make him feel loved whenever he's with me.

I've taught him that throwing a tantrum rarely works and that saying sorry via hugs and kisses are indeed effective unless the tantrum thrown was on a huge scale. Then it needs to be 100 kisses and 50 hugs. I've taught him that acceptance of mistake is important and saying "pish" is a must. I've taught him that doodling with a crayon is just as great as running around and wreaking havoc in our orderly house.

In return, I have learned that holding a grudge is really not necessary. I have learned that life is not all about work and that play is very important, if not more important, in life. I've learned to love people and accept them despite their mistakes and imperfections. I've learned not to judge and to shrug it off when I am judged. I've learned that patience is indeed a virtue when waiting for the masterpiece to be done. Lastly, I've learned that you will never know what love really is until you've held a child in your arms and realize that you will do and sacrifice everything for that child.

What have you learned in life?

magazine addiction

Lately, I've felt the desire to lose weight. Hence, I have been buying fashion magazines that I really shouldn't be. It helps me. I don't know. I like looking at the latest trends and getting ideas on how I'll dress up for the day. So far, the results have been great. I haven't lost a significan amount of weight yet but I think I'm getting there. I also haven't been frumpy now, but more of stylish I believe. Fashion magazines have that effect on me.

Does it affect you the same way as well?

carousel from my childhood

Tia sent me a text message telling me to check my email. This is what I saw. It really made my day ... I've been wanting one for quite some time and now I got one ... I just need to wait for it to be shipped out here but for now, I'm happy just looking at it.

I love it!

wish we were best friends again

When did life turn so complicated? We were kids and we thought the world of each other. What changed? Why did you suddenly hate me so much? why did you have to envy me? Didn't you know that I envied your life too? Yes, you. I envied you. You had so much freedom. You were able to rely on yourself and live independently. you never had to worry that your Mom and Dad would have a silly argument and decide to separate, AGAIN.

That was then though. We're a lil bit okay now. But I worry ... you're gonna be a Mom soon and I fear you're gonna think that my son is the favorite one and yours isn't. I guess it will never be okay between us. It doesn't stop me from wishing though.

I wish ... I wish we were best friends again.

my little big sister

oh so YUMMY

If you haven't bought this magazine, I highly suggest you do. I am definitely subscribing to this magazine. Recipes are so easy to make and they are absolutely deliscious. You gotta try it. Seriously.

and I was hooked ...

I remember when I was a kid how I couldn't decide which was cooler ... Volter V, Voltron, or Transformers. Well, after seeing the new movie Transformers, Voltes V and Voltron suddenly paled in comparison. I loved it!

It was one of the coolest film I ever saw visual effects wise. It was really really really really amazing! It didn't look fake, it just looked fantastic. Never mind the cheesy plot that one kid was meant to be the savior of the world. I love the ice breaker moments and I love Bumblebee.

Whoa! I feel good ... (gotta watch it to get this line... lol!)

Have you seen the film?