Wednesday, May 17, 2006
a mother's letter to her son
I never wanted you in my life. I didn't want you coz I thought that I was going to be a bad mother. I was too selfish and self centered and unable to take care of myself. I thought, how can I take care of you if I can't even take care of myself?
Then you came ...
I was half happy and half apprehensive. I hated being pregnant at times coz there were too many adjustments and pains. But whenever you would move or I would hear your heart beating, I was overcome with such raw love that I knew I would kill anyone who would dare to hurt you.
You were mine.
And then I gave birth to you and it was the most painful thing I had to go through physically ... but you were worth it ... a single smile from you could erase all the pain away. And I realized ...
You're not mine.
God has just allowed me to borrow you ... and I cry ... but I know that in the time that he will lend us to you and before someone else claims you as hers ... I will make the most of the time I can spend with you ...
So while you're still small and malleable, I will kiss you and hug you as much as I want ... coz I know that one day, you will grow up and tell me to not kiss you coz you're a big boy now. And that will break my heart ... but I will respect your wishes ... and just kiss you at night when you're fast asleep.
I love you B. You are my heart, walking outside my body.