my first heartbreak

We were together for 19 months ... December 1, 1995 until July 1997. I do not remember anymore the day we broke up but I remember how my heart shattered and I felt like I was stabbed a million times on the chest and how it seemed that the pain would not end.

He visited me that day. He just got back from going somewhere with his ex who was helping him with getting approvals for a document he needed. Fool that I was, I felt secured enough to let him hang out with her. Yes, HER. I thought that being together for 19 months, I would have been successful in making him forget whatever feelings he may have for her. I thought it was enough. I thought I was enough.

Apparently, I was wrong. This mistake will haunt me for a long time and admittedly, it haunts me from time to time still.

We sat down on the couch and proceeded to talk. I noticed that there was something odd about him ... I noticed that something changed. And because we vowed to be completely honest with each other, I asked him if he wanted to tell me something. He said yes.

My world stopped. My heart started beating wildly. I wanted to take it back. I did not want to hear the answer to this question. I was not ready.

"I'm starting to like her again."

Six words. Six little words that spelled the end of what we were. Six words that changed him from being my sweetheart to a stranger whom I would hate, love, loathe, could not forget, never want to see, and occasionally I think of guy.

I know he regrets saying it. I know because he told me. He said that if he knew I would react that violently, he would have lied to me. He regrets telling me and thus, ending what we had. He regrets telling me and hurting me. Most of all, he regrets telling me because he knows now that it was the final nail on he coffin.

I did not break up with him right there and then. I just kept quiet. Even when I was barely 17, I had a thing about going quiet when I am really hurting. I do not snap nor do I lash out. I just go really quiet.

When he went home and we talked on the phone, that's when I told him that I could not do it anymore. I was giving up. I just could not accept that the same girl who caused me so much pain at the beginning of our relationship was able to creep her way back in. My pride could not handle it and my heart was breaking.

I broke up with him.

He begged. He cried. He pleaded. Even his older sister spoke to me on his behalf but I could not get myself to stay with him. I was just too broken.

After I hanged up on him, I called my friend and told her about what happened. She was in shock. She could not believe that I was able to do it. She knew how much I loved the guy. She knew that he became my world.

She could not believe that I was able to walk out on my world. Frankly, neither could I.

I ended up going to my Mom that night. I cried. I cried and I cried and I know that I broke my Mom's heart because my heart was breaking. I was just hurting so much. Until now, when I remember that night, tears start to well up in my eyes. It was THAT painful.

The next day and the coming weeks would see him visiting. He would pass by my house, he would wait for me after school, he would page me, and he would have his sister hand me cards. I wanted to be with him again. I wanted to but I couldn't.

Eventually, I learned that he got together with her. After some time, she was pregnant and they had to marry. Had to would be the word I would use because a few nights before he was to get married, he was at my house. He asked me to elope with him but I could not do that. I couldn't.

He was breaking my heart all over again. He does not know this. He never will.

Every year, even when he was married, he would call me or visit me. I don't know why he would but every time he would come over, my heart would get broken all over again. He was my first love. He was my first boyfriend. He was my first kiss and the first guy to wrap his arms around me.

He was a lot of things to me and for many years after we broke up, he would manage to twirl me around his little finger. It was a good thing that he never knew his effects on me.

He was my first love ... and he was also my first heartbreak.

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7 comments:

  1. Nope. I was just reminded to blog about my first heartbreak coz I saw another article somewhere tackling this.

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  2. Hi Sweetkay,

    I've been reading your blog which I discovered from PEX and I cannot help myself but leave my thoughts on this post.

    I'm sorry but that guy is a big-A-effin'-hole. He said he loves you and would like another chance, yet after some time, he got that girl pregnant and he would call you again??!!--making your heart aches in the process???!!

    MALE CHAUVINISM.

    Is he psychologically incapacitated?? What was he thinking?

    It's a good thing you're the one who broke up with him. You deserved better.

    -paddylast-

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  3. Posting this blog is a positive sign that you have gotten over him. You deserve someone better, and he will come at the right moment. I gather you had lack of sleep recently? :)

    They say love hurts, but I say it should not cause so much pain. Rather it should make you totally forget pain.

    Enjoy life, love and be loved!

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  4. @ paddylast: thanks ... its a good thing I did not let my heart rule my head

    @ jedi: yes, finally ... after almost a decade, I am finally over him

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  5. Ate K...I know the feeling and yes it will keep on haunting us 'til God knows when...:(

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  6. they haunt us from time to time ... so its all good

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