munimuni # 57

This week did not start out on a good note. Maybe because last week ended on a sad note as well, I don't know. Midweek though, things got a bit better. I got a few lucky breaks at work and I found some time to spend with Janina that was not work related. Talking to her at Bon Chon made me realize that whatever the outcome of our friendship may be, I am grateful that she is in my life now.

Midweek also saw me spending time with someone who is truly becoming special to me. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. I barely know him but I feel like I know him. It's a good thing that we are both not in a hurry and that we are taking our time. I like the few moments that I get to spend with him. It allows me a peek at what he is like and who he is. I see bits here and there, and so far, I am liking what I see.

I have also let him see the bad side of me. I did not filter my responses when he said something that irked me to no end. It was a calculated move on my part since I wanted him to see that I am not all good and that I can be a devil in disguise. I didn't want him to have the illusion that I was all nice since I am not.

Weekend was a blast since I got to spend some time with friends as well as do my photowalk which turned out to be a misadventure of some sorts. We got lost in Intramuros but it was still fun since I had a few interesting shot like this one below.

Wrapping up the weekend, I received a LV bag from my Dad which totally blew me away. I was surprised and in awe and super grateful to my Dad. It was the sweetest thing. He also treated us to pizza for dinner and it was great. Just chillin' at home after a relaxing mani, pedi, foot scrubm and facial mask.

Overall, my week rocked!

how do you know its true?

Yesterday and for the past few days, this has been a question that has been thrown at me incessantly. How do you know its true? How do you its for real? How do you know?

Yesterday, someone told me that their professor back in college said that love is just about belief. Love is just believing in something that you cannot see. Someone tells you I love you and you choose to believe. They show certain actions and you choose to view it a certain way and believe.

Amidst all these explanations, HOW DO YOU KNOW? 


Honestly, I don't. I don't really know but I choose to believe. I choose to believe that what is shown to me and what is said to me is the truth. I choose to believe this truth that is being laid out in front of me. I don't see anything wrong with believing in this. I don't see anything that I could possibly lose by believing.

Am I not scared to get hurt? Am I not worried that I am being played for a fool? Am I not wary that I am just being used?

To be honest again, I'm not. Yes, I may get hurt but this hurt will pass. One thing I have learned with the many heartaches and heartbreaks I have been through is that no matter how hurtful something is, it will pass. It will get better in time. It will heal.

What if I am being played for a fool? What if I am being used? What if? Well, what if I am not? What if this is all true? What if this is real? Should I not let this chance happen simply because I am scared? Should I let the opportunity pass by simply because I was scared? I made that mistake before. I don't want to do it again.

So, if I am to be hurt .. .then so be it. At the end of the day, if he leaves ... if he hurts me ... if I am to be broken again ... I will become a stronger person. Him ... he will never find another diamond like me. I do not lose anything, he loses everything.

citymug loot from my Fil-Chi friends (1st meet up for 2011)

And because they love me ... they got me this ...

from Kit

from donna

from Dalvin

I love you guys! Thank you so much!

You rock!

my Dad totally rocks!

And I come home to this ...

Now tell me, does my Dad rock or not?

trading with Juday ...

I have traded over 6 mugs I believe with this woman and I am very happy that I met her. I actually was introduced to her by my brothers who were in the DBT. She is a precious find and I hope that aside from trading mugs, we can one day sit down and just plain talk about life.

I like the fact that this collection of mine has allowed me to meet new people. All of them are interesting in their own way and I just love that I learn new things about people and most especially, about me.

hope for the flowers ...

I reread this book which I've read two times in the past. Once when I was in Grade 5 and I hated it. I thought it was a story about two worms and that was it. The second time I read it was when I was in 3rd year college. This time, I loved it. I could relate to what was happening and I understood that yes, it was a story about two worms but at the same time, it was the story of us ... of you and me. It is a story of all of us.

And because of this ... I was able to create a poem. Here it is.

I wish I could be a butterfly
free to roam around
free to fly around
to go where I want to be
to be who I want to be.

But I remain a worm
crawling
slinking on the ground
ready to be crushed.

dear heart

Dear Heart,

It's been more than 6 months since I last talked to you. How are you heart? Are you all better now? Have you healed? You have? That's great to hear. I'm glad you feel better now heart? The rest we took did you well huh? Oh, what's that? There are still some minor collisions here and there? Of course ... it's inevitable. We care too much heart. Even when we pretend to be unbreakable, the chips and cracks show.

We're not here to talk about him are we? What's bothering you? Why are you so restless? Oh, him.What about him? Why are you so bothered? We're not ready ... he's not ready. Chill heart. Relax, calm down. Take things slow. Oh, you're okay with taking things slow? Then what's the problem? Oh, you're not entirely sure that you are safe in his hands. Well ... we're not. I mean, we can't really be sure no matter what right?

What happened heart? We used to just jump and not care if we fall flat on the ground. Isn't that the beauty of falling? Oh, you're too damaged to survive another fall. Okay, step back then. Just a little, one step at a time. Don't worry heart. I'll keep you company. I'll do my best to remind you. I'll reign you in.

If he does care for real, if he really wants you, he'll make sure that he doesn't hurt us. He'll be there. And if not, then at least we'd know that we just saved ourselves from another shattering moment.

Right heart? Right.


Love,

Me

don't be fooled by me ...

Behind the Facade
Please Hear What I Am Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature to me
For God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me...
within as well as without...
that confidence is my name,
and coolness is my game.
That the water's calm and I'm in command,
but don't believe me...Please.

My surface may seem smooth
but my surface is my mask.
Beneath this lies no complacence,
beneath dwells the real me in confusion,
in fear and aloneness.
But I hid this. I don't want anybody to know it.
and fear for being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind...
a nonchalant, sophisticated facade...
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
and I know it.
That is - if it is followed by acceptance...
if it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself...
that I am worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by
acceptance and love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me...
that you'll laugh at me and
your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing-
that I'm no good,
and that you will see this and reject me,
So I play my game--my desperate game
with a facade of assurance without,
and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.

2011 = more carefree me

I used to never  wear red lipstick. Now I do. I used to always have my hair up in a bun or ponytail, now I'm learning to be more chill and carefree and to just have it free flowing. I think it has helped me be a bit more relaxed and just laidback. What do you think? Is this better than the usual no makeup, in a bun me?

Thoughts?

guess who's back?

JT! Yep, he's back. He's slowly recovering from his ACL injury and can now by some miracle, walk with the use of a crutch. I sent him a text one time last week asking him a random inane question (that's how we are, I can just text him anything and he'd answer) and he told me he'd answer my question in a bit coz he was driving. This was followed by an invitation to hang out at Starbucks.

Seriously, I was happy that I was going to hang out with him again. JT is so not complicated. It's simple, its fun, and we have a good time.

He picked me up at Ayala and we had brunch at the Manila Polo Club. It was my first time to go there and I as mildly impressed. It is a great place to stay at. It's  in Makati but it feels like you have been transported to a hacienda type of place with the horses and all. Beautiful, refined people were everywhere and I just felt at home.

As per usual, JT was great company and we never ran out of things to talk about. What I like most is that we even talk about the other guys I was dating. We're that chill.

There were no pretensions and we just had a very relaxing brunch. As with any date I've had with him, it was great and I look forward to the next one that we will be having which is next week. Eekkk!

Bon Chon Chicken

We were able to grab a half day VL, Janina and I, and so we decided to hang out in Bon Chon Chicken at Ayala Triangle. We had some girl talk and I love that she makes me realize and see things that I can't see on my own. I love the quality time we spent and I super love the chicken. The Bon Chon Chicken is double fried and it is oh so good. The chicken is crispy and the taste seeps into the meat. It is cooked just right and there are no blood found on the inside.

Seriously, it is the best tasting chicken I have ever had. So good that I will actually be going there on Monday to down a dozen pieces and beat a friend of mine at it. Wish me luck!

To more girl time and girl talk. To more chicken.

the boys and their songs

I am a music lover. I sing out of the blue. I sing when I'm not doing anything. I sing in my head during epic moments of my life. Yep, I'm weird that way.

Say for  example, I was getting dumped last year and at the back of my head, I was singing "All Behind Us Now" by Patti Austin. I relate people or events to songs. I'm wired like that.

Someone I'm starting to truly care for dedicated a song to me and I love that all the lyrics of the song were really nice and it seems meant for me. It wasn't just a stanza or a line  but the entire song. Due to this post, it made me think ... what are the songs of  the men that have passed by in my life? And so ... here they all are.

Right Here Waiting / You and I / I Will Be Here - MU dedicated all these songs to me and would sing in his off key voice. Right Here Waiting holds a special meaning because it was  a song he dedicated at the school fair to me. Story is here, here, and here. 

You and I  was our theme song. He didn't want a cheesy, new song but something that rarely plays on the radio and something that holds true for every lyrics of the word. Eveytime I hear this song, I still feel a pinch and that was 13 years ago.

I Will Be Here was a song playing one time after I just finished with my volleyball practice. He would watch and make sure no boys would go near. He was a jealous boy. After the practice, he hugged me and showed me a songbook. This song was there. He told me to read the lyrics and said that it would be our wedding song. Yes, he wanted to marry me. I cried.

When You Say Nothing at All - JP was a guitarist and a choir person. We met through KM (his song will be posted in a bit) and we ended up being together for almost 2 years. He would sing this song to me and I would be the back up vocals. We've performed for other people with this song and I love how he would look at me when we hit the chorus. Our story is here.

You Won't See Me Crying - Pretty bad song for a love story wouldn't you say? Ours was short lived and bitter. I am pretty happy that now, KM and I are at least FB friends. We don't say hi and hello but at least, we don't hate each other's guts. He led me on and I broke his heart. Hence, the song.

Say It - Now this is the exact opposite but either I was just dense or V was really the insensitive jerk I thought he was. Looking back, I just wasn't a priority to him eventhough we have been dating exclusively and he kept saying he wanted to marry  me. I was an option to him at that time and I'm not good with being an option.

To Be With You - And here ... this song that makes my heart ache because I let him go ... because no matter what, I will never go back to him because he deserves better ... and I am not it. R was the man. He was sweet, romantic, I was his priority, and he was faithful to a fault. He loved me. No, he LOVED me. He sang this song to me in the car and I knew he meant every single word. It wasn't him trying to be cheesy or cute. He meant every single word. Unfortunately, I wasn't ready to be loved that way. Now, I yearn to be loved that way. Our story is here and this is the letter that still makes me shed tears.

He's getting married soon. Lucky girl whoever she is.

I Don't Wanna Know / The Reason - The father dedicated this to me. He kept insisting that I was playing him. In truth, he  played me like a harp player plays his hard. Him, I hope to forget all melodies and lyrics.

How Did You Know - JB said this was his song to me. Looking back on our story, it was with too much baggage. I know now that he was serious about me and that he wanted me to be the one. Unfortunately, I have too much paranoia and he flirted with someone else and when that can of worms opened, it was never  fully closed.

And now ... a new song pops out. And I hope that this new song will keep playing and be on repeat. As much as I love songs and how they affect me and have an impact on my life, sometimes, it feels good to just keep playing the same song over and over again. I hope I'd just always SMILE.

That's not too much to ask is it?

munimuni # 56

This week has been a bit of roller coaster ride for me, with a lot of down moments and some up moments which were really way up there. I'm trying to remember how the week passed by and its all a big blur of work. I don't like it. Life is more than work.

I am thankful to my South group as well as my SB group who I met with this week and who has been nothing but serious fun. They talked me out of my misery and I just wish that they can be with me 24/7 so that I don't need to think of the things that are making me sad.

I've met some pretty interesting characters this week too and they all made me realize that one way or another, I have come such a long way. Unfortunately, it can take just one wrong move and I could go downward again. I hope that it doesn't happen. One little kid depends on me.

I am grateful for my family. I am grateful to someone for dragging himself all the way over to where I was to cheer me up. And I am grateful to YOU ... YOU never left my side even when I forget about YOU. Thank YOU.

And to end the week ... my sister took some really gorgeous shots ... of me. LOL ... here's one.

portraitures of the people that I love ...

And there they are ... photos taken by me ...

what boredom does ....

 

So, what do you think?