forget me not

forget me not
when I am gone
forget me
when I can no longer make you smile
when you hear the sound of my voice
and you can't think of anything to say

forget me not
when I am dead
forget me
when I can no longer make you feel safe
when I say I care
and all you hear is I hate

forget me not
when I am away
forget me
when you can no longer see me in your future
when you envision one without me
and it is a much nicer place

forget me not
when I am but a soul
forget me
when the thought of losing me fully
makes you smile
and no tears start to fall

if that should happen
then please
forget not to forget  me.

Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter ...

I am looking for the transcript of this talk, the first part anyway before people gave her a standing ovation. It is oh so nice. I wish that someone had given me this speech.

Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter ... | Video on TED.com

If I should have a daughter, instead of Mom, she's gonna call me Point B because that way she knows  that no matter what happens at least she can always find her way to me. And I'm gonna paint the solar systems on the backs of her hands so she has to learn the entire Universe before she can say "oh, I know that like the back of my hand." And she's gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you  to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach but getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste  of air.

There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band aids or poetry so the first time she realizes that wonder woman isn't coming I'll make sure she knows she doesn't have to wear the cape all by herself coz no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me I've tried and baby I'll tell her don't keep your nose up in the air like that. I know that trick, I've done it a million times, you're just smelling for smoke  so you can follow the trail back to to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him. But I know she will anyway so instead I'll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby because there is no heartbreak that chocolates cant fix. Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolates can't fix but that's what the rain boots are for because rain will wash away everything if you let it.

I want her to look at the world through the underside of a  glass bottomed boat, to look through a microcoscope at the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind because thats the way my mom taught me, that  there'll be days like this, there'll be days like this, my momma said.

When you open your hand to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises;  when you step out of a phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment  and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you because there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times its sent away. You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over and over and no matter how many landmines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life. And yes on a scale from 1 to overtrusting, I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar, it can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it. Baby  I'll tell her remember  your Momma is a worrier and your Papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more. Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you've done something wrong but you should don't you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining. Your voice is small but don't ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip war and hatred under your door, and offer you handouts on street corners  of cynicism and defeat,  you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.  

* finally got to transcribe it after 2 hours ...

banapple with bloggers

Tonight, I finally got the chance to meet some fellow bloggers. This is a first for me for though I have met people in real life who I initially met online, this is the first meet up I am having with fellow bloggers. As expected, there were lots of information that was swapped. What else can possibly happen when you put together people who write as a hobby and most likely are curious creatures?

Lots of good conversation. :)

smoked hickory bbq

pasta verde

the BEST chicken parmigiana ever!

the BEST BANOFEE pie EVER

caramel fudge

warm pecan pie

Banapple was such a hit that we had to try it ... and boy did we not regret it though the calorie count was unthinkable. We were so full that the only plate we finished was the chicken parmigiano. The 3 slices of cake, we sadly had to leave it with some leftovers.

Now I truly understand why Banapple is to die for. Food is GREAT, the cakes are AWESOME, and price, it ROCKS. Our total bill was Php900 only. How cool is that?

To more blogger meetings ... to more good food.

Omakase

I heart the dolls ...

seaweed salad

gyudon we split in half

I had dinner at this place with a good friend of mine and I have to admit, it does not look anything like it branch at Madrigal in Alabang. To be honest, this is way better. I love the interiors and the play with the dolls. I was semi tempted to steal some of the dolls on display but restrained myself because I don't think prison will be good for my skin and sensibilities. LOL.

Food was good though a bit expensive in my opinion. Still, as Japanese food would go, this is a pretty good place to go when you crave for some gyudon or seaweed salad like the one that we had.

Would I go back here? Possibly, but not often.

a quasi broken meeting

It's been 4 years since we last saw each other. 4 long years. We have kept in touch but managed to only learn tidibits about each other. It took a quasi broken heart for this meeting to happen. In some ways, its a blessing from a semi bad situation.

Funny how certain events bring your friends out of hiding. I love that we finally got together and when we did, it was like we never lost track of each other.

To more dinners at Ayala Triangle Mai ... to more years of friendship.

Dragonboat Magazine ...

Finally, its a reality!

the creative team (L-R,me, Juday, Jill, Cha, Don)

It is finally here. The magazine that we have worked hard to make a reality. It feels good to be able to hold it in our hands. I hope that anyone who is passionate about this sport will buy the magazine. :)

You guys rock!

I am GLEE ...

I watch the show Glee a bit religiously I have to admit. After watching, I'd be downloading the songs they performed and can be found belting the songs or listening to it over and over again. If not, I'd most likely be playing my Glee playlist and reliving the songs over and over again.

Tonight, as I was watching Rachel sing "Get it Right," I felt that connection again and I realized why I love the show so much. It's not just the songs they sing or the way they perform it. It's not just the storyline or the characters. It is because I see myself in them. I see bits and pieces of me in the characters.

I am Rachel. I used to be her anyway. I used to believe that one day, I will be a star and my star will shine brightly above the sky. Nowadays, its more of I am a falling star.

I am Quinn. I am the Queen Bee in any group I join if I want to be and though I sometimes come off as being a bitch, I do have my good side that I rarely show except to my friends and family.

I am Santana. I have my flirty side that I sometimes unleash but lately, I've been wanting to bury deep under the ground.

I am Britney. Sometimes, I just have dumb moments.

I am Tina. I stand out in a room full of blondes and I am the only brunette. Sometimes I just want to blend in but I stick out like sore thumb.

I am Mercedes. I may be curvaceous but I know that I am worth something. Sometimes though, I have moments of doubt. Sometimes, that sometimes lingers.

I am Finn. I am awkward and I am good at hiding my fears. I fear rejection and so sometimes, I pretend to be okay even when I am not. No one really wants to hear the truth when they ask you how are you and so I have learned to say "I'm good" and plaster a smile to my face.
I am Puck. I have a rebellious side that I keep in check but sometimes, it peeks it ugly head. When this happens, "breathe" and "let it be" will happen.

I am Artie. I am trapped. I want to do a lot of things but I can't because I am in a situation and so I just have to make the most out of it.

I am Kurt. I am different. I am unique.

I am all of them rolled into one. I am everything and I am nothing.

I am GLEE.

updated version of me ...

I've always found myself thinking that if someone loves me, then they should be ready to accept me for what and for who I am. Recently, I met someone who would always encourage me to be a better version of me. He would tell me that this is what he is doing, becoming a better version of himself and I should do the same, or rather, everyone else should do the same.

I was resistant at first but lately, I have realized that he was right. Sadly, he is not a constant presence in my life anymore so he won't be here to cheer me on my journey to becoming a better me. I hope though that he will get to meet the updated version of me and like what he sees.

For now, I may not have been good enough but I know that once I have improved, I will be more than enough.

dear heart

Here we go again, falling for the wrong person, or should I say fallen? Is he really the wrong person? I don't know heart. What do you think? Do you think he is right for you? Do you think he cares about you?

Same shit heart. Same shit again. You love someone who loves himself more. Why can't you do the same heart? Stop it. Please heart, stop it. You're breaking again. Remember what I told you? You can't break anymore. Stop breaking. I don't know if there will be a strong enough adhesive or glue that can put you back together if you break once more.

He says you are the right love but it happened at the wrong time. He has a point heart. He does have a point.

Stop pretending you are okay. Stop smiling. Stop pretending. You are not. The earlier you admit it, the faster you can heal. You still need to heal. You haven't fully healed and now, you have new wounds that need to be tended to.

Are you not tired of hurting heart? Are you not tired of taking care of someone? Of loving someone who does not love you back?

I am. I am tired of seeing you with tears in your eyes. I am tired of picking up the pieces of you scattered all around the floor. I am tired of seeing you hurt over someone who does not seem to care that you are hurting. I AM TIRED HEART. I AM TIRED.

Aren't you?

- your brain

DBT and some Luk Yuen

I spent time with my family today. It has been a while since we last went out. We went to Manila Bay to lend some support to my brothers who were once again competing in another regatta. Luckily, they placed again.

Afterwards, we had a late lunch at Luk Yuen and had too much to eat. It seems I am no longer used to eating a lot for eventhough my eyes were still wanting the food on the table, my stomach just couldn't take it in anymore.

All in all, it was a pretty good Sunday. :)

my sentiments on the Japan earthquake

So, another disaster has struck the world. Everyone is all gungho watching it on CNN and other news channel (myself included) and I was in tears watching the destruction happening. Do I have family there? No. Do I have friends there? No. Do I know people there? No. Yet, I am affected.

I am affected for I am human. I am affected and I am angry.

Yes, I am angry. It pisses me off bigtime when I see status messages that say: "I hope the Filipinos are okay in Japan." or "I hope the so and so religious sect are all doing well."

COME ON! Stop being so narrow minded and selective people. If you are gonna pray, pray for EVERYONE. The Japanese are humans too and whatever religion they may be, they are HUMAN too. So if you will pray, pray for everyone. If you want to be choosy, then don't include the rapists, child molesters and other criminals but don't say "Please keep the Pinoy's safe."

We're not special. God is not going to choose to save just the Filipino simply because we're such "prayer loving creatures."

Get over yourself. GGGRRRRRR!!!!

And so I say, I pray for strength for everyone who has been affected by this and I hope that we all heal and learn to care for each other.

That's all.

I am a C+!

I am a talker. This would have come as a surprise to my Mom since I was already 2 years old but they have not heard a peep come out of my cute little mouth.

Yep! They actually thought I was mute. Anyone who knows me now would roll on the floor laughing if I ever told them this.

I am a talker. I talk a lot, not because I like the sound of my voice but because I just have so many things to say. Never mind that the teacher is also talking in front, I will talk. Never mind that the teacher is ready to kill me, I will share what is on my mind. Never mind that the teacher has put lipstick on my face, taped my mouth, and placed me on a chair beside her so that I will be away from my classmates and be facing them instead, I will talk.

I am a talker. I will share my stories, write about it, talk about it, rehash it and talk about it over and over again. Sometimes, I even talk to my cat. Worse, I talk to myself.

I do that you know. I talk to myself. I even role play in my mind. Say, I will imagine someone and have a dialogue with that person in my head. Yes, I do that  for I am a talker.

I am the life of the party. I dominate forums. I am the center of attention for I am a talker. I engage people. I get them drawn to my stories till they would feel whatever emotion it is that I am feeling. I weave stories and paint a picture with my words. I am a talker.

I am a talker and this is why my whole life when I was in school, my conduct was C+. And that, is the point, of my entire entry. LOL.

50 Book Challenge for 2011

I am partaking of this challenge for 2011. The challenge is very simple; its the accomplishing it part that is a bit hard. It's been almost 9 weeks into 2011 and here are the books I have read so far.

1. James Patterson - Cross Roads
2. Being Happy
3. Chicken Soup for the Coffee Lover's Soul
4. Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus
5. Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom
6. He's Just Not that Into You
7. Little Women
8. PS I Love You
9. Ako ay Pilipino
10. Chicken Soup for the Chocolate Lover's Soul
11. Gone with the Wind (still reading)

I am ashamed of myself. I should have read more but life got in the way. I need to do better.

* image not mine

ATC with B

It's been quite some time since B and I bonded and so yesterday, despite the wanting to stay at home and lounge around, I went to  ATC with him to give him his playtime and let him socialize with other children. I think he had too much fun because he came back to where Nanny R and I were seated all drenched from the fountain. I did reprimand him but did not scream at him. LOL. I understand more now that he needs to learn from his mistakes. What I did was to make him stop playing after the following:

1. he pushed a kid off the slide (thank God the kid was not hurt)
2. he took a leftover drink of some random person
3. he took a shower in the fountain area

I think it works because he knew it was his fault and so he didn't make too much of a fuss. :)

We ended the night by browsing for books at Powerbooks and eating at Jollibee. All in all, we had fun. :)

put on hold ....

Yesterday, after days of overanalyzing, not analyzing, analyzing, stopping myself from analyzing, I got the answers to the questions I had in mind. Yesterday, I finally knew what I have been wanting to know.

Do I like the answers that I received? Maybe ... yes, no? I think its moot and academic to have feelings for the answers. I think this time, I just need to accept that it is what it is. Life is not fair and sometimes you think you may have found someone but in reality, things are gonna be put on hold because its not yet the time.

Fate was mocking me. I brought a book and grabbed a bookmark. While I was waiting for him, I read. I flipped over the bookmark at one point and guess what the bookmark has written on it?

"What happens when the right people click at the wrong time?" 

Boom! Fate mocks me.

So for now, I am on hold. We are on hold. We take things one day at a time ... he will text when he wants to and I will do the same. There will be moments of thinking of each other and not wanting to think of each other so we will keep busy. At least I know he feels the same, he does the same and its not just me going nuts here.

As he said, I a the glitch to his matrix. I am the MALWARE and TROJAN virus to his PC all wrapped into one. I scare him so much because I affect him that much. At least now I know.

At least he doesn't know what he is in my life. For now, he cannot really know. And as with anything ... I will just sing what I truly feel.

So, from the epic musical Les Miserables ...

"I love him

I love him

I love him

But only ON MY OWN."