Love is Sacrifice.

When I was a kid and autograph books were the in thing, there would always be that certain question that fascinated me.

What is love?

There were different answers that were given and all of them at one point was true. Love is blind. Love can move mountains. Love is a rosary full of mystery. Love is God. Love is admiration. Love is sacrifice.

Love is sacrifice. I grew up my seeing my Mom embody this. She sacrificed a lot to be with my Dad and she sacrificed a lot for her family and for us. She just kept on sacrificing. At times, I admired her for it. At times, I despised her for it. At times, I pitied her. At times, I wanted to be like her. I wondered ...

Where did she get the energy to keep on going? How can she love so much when there was no one returning it, not even us, her children. We just kept getting and getting and not giving back in return. We kept demanding and she kept giving until there was nothing left to give.

Then I had a family of my own and I realized that yes, it is possible. A Mom can put up with almost everything to give what she thinks is best for her son. A Mom can put aside her own happiness to make things work. I also realized, a Mom can only do so much.

Love is sacrifice. Is it really? Shouldn't it be that if there is real love between two people, then there shouldn't be that much to sacrifice? Sure, there will be the minor things and maybe even a few major ones but if its a CONSTANT thing, then is it still love?

The past few years I felt that I kept sacrificing. Maybe its true, maybe not but this is how I feel. I kept sacrificing and saying okay to everything that I have come to a point where I don't even know if it is okay; if I really was okay. And I realized, this wasn't love anymore. I was just holding on to a dream that I had when I was a child.

There was a saying that I think I posted in here before that I believe is worthy of being reposted.

"Every relationship is worth saving. But oif you keep trying to save the relationship, then maybe it wasn't a relationship to begin with."

AquaDoodle rocks!

He loved it. I did too. It allowed me to have 25 minutes of sheer silence. Lol!

3rd honor! Whoohoo!

My sister enjoying the fruits of her labor. She was top 3 in her batch, not just her class, but her batch. Congrats Sis! You are smart!

most beautiful flower

Given to me by my biggest blessing, B. Thanks B! I love you.

balloon fever

Love the care bears. Always have, always will.

the rain, feelings of melancholy, and moments

The rain always makes me feel a little bit melancholic. I don't know why but it just does. It brings about a certain sadness and I have no idea where it stems from. Some people I know says that rain represent hope for them since it washes away pain and all the problems of the past. Some people say it reminds them of happy childhood years. For me, it just brings about desires to be sitting down beside a window all bunched up in blankets and a fuzzy jacket drinking hot chocolate with mallows on top and reminiscing about sad memories. Weird huh?

Another thought that always come to mind is cuddling with someone while the rain pours heavily. I think I've done this several times in the past with exes but never looking out a window and just plain not talking but enjoying the moment. I don't know. It's a thing that I have. I kind of want it to happen. Its on my mental closet of "moments" I guess.

Talking about moments, here are some moments that I yearn to happen to me; I know some of them you can relate to.

• middle of the street with sweet music playing, slow dance
• in a concert, the artists dedicates a song to me from the guy I'm with
• 18 random people giving me 18 random small gifts all from my guy
• getting to the office to see some Care Bears stuff toy on my desk carrying small items that I like or collect
• winning an iPod 40GB ... that would be so cool
• getting a basket of After 9 chocolate ... this can only be bought at Santis and its so hard to get
• to be serenaded once more
• dinner by candlelight with bubbles going around
• walking down the beach during sunset
• being lifted and twirled around ... I'm kinda tall and heavy so it would be hard ... lol!

That's all I can think of for now. What moments do you yearn for?

flower power

Pretty impressive if I may say so.

thinking too much

I was with someone yesterday and I asked this person, "what do you not like about me?" I thought he would not give out a response but he did. He said that I was a pessimist. Like everything seems negative to me now.

I found it honest because it was true but at the same time I was a bit appalled. I have always been a positive person and to hear that I am now a pessimist was a bit of a slap. I was also told that I think too much which contradicts how I actually wanna live which is carpe diem.

Sigh. What to do what to do?

don't let me

This is something I wrote ten years ago. I am so happy to have found this leaflet that contains all my poems when I was 17 and 18. It feels like I found a missing part of me. I shall be posting them and I hope that in some ways, they will let you have a peek of who I was when I was 10 years younger.

Don't let me fall in love
Don't let me dream of you
Don't let me hope too much
Don't let me think of you.

Don't treat me as if I was special
Don't be too nice to me
Don't open the door for me
Don't always walk beside me.

Don't let me fall for you
Coz you're not gonna catch me when I do
Don't let me love you
Coz you're not gonna love me too.

** This was written for KM, a guy who led me on when I was a freshman in college. EVentually, he fell in love with me but by that time, I was in love with J, his best friend.

sex and the city

Which of the four girls are you?

"I used to be conservative and optimistic, who places the most emphasis on emotional love as opposed to lust. Has a traditional attitude about relationships, who follows the "rules" of love and dating.

I am a career-minded individual with extremely cynical views on relationships and men. A workaholic chic who finds a way to balance career and being a mom and a soon tobe ex-wife.

I am outspoken, strong and confident with a unique sexual appetite that avoids emotional involvement right now at all costs while satisfying my physical desires.

I am someone who, despite of long-term boyfriends, is entangled with an opposite sex in a complicated, multifaceted on and off relationship before.

I am a combination of all four. As my boss would say, it would take one hell of a man to give me what I need or a bunch of average ones."

I do not fit one single mold but partake in something with each and every single one. That is what being a real woman is all about.

afternoon delight

Wouldn't you want to see this too in the afternoon? The B eating a sandwich and feeding himself on his own. He truly is grown now. Sniff sniff. Soon he won't scream Mommy with sheer happiness. Sigh.

12 things women ought to RELEARN

Since I made that post about what men need to relearn, it is but fair to post what women need to relearn as well IMO. It's not just the guys who have forgotten some etiquette. Again, these are my opinions. If you don't agree, leave. If you want to comment, do it in a respectful manner.

• Say thank you. Ladies, do not expect things and when it's given not say thank you. Mind your manners so that people will treat you with manners as well.
• Do close those legs. I know that sitting like a man is the in thing nowadays but do close them. You get upset when a guy stares blatantly but really, even I would stare and try to see what you're showing if you keep opening it.
• Do smile when someone opens the door for you or pulls out a chair. Don't make snide comments. Think: If I can't say anything nice, I will shut up.
• Say thank you when given a compliment. Stop putting yourself down or worse, fish for more compliments. Validation is necessary at times but you were already complimented. Say thank you, smile, and walk away.
• Do play a little hard to get. No need to lay it all out in the open just like that. If you do, don't expect to be treated seriously. That is not being smart.
• If you kiss and tell, then expect to be talked about. When girls share intimate information with others, do not expect the world to shut up about it. You've shared, your fair game.
• Shave ladies. I'm not talking about down there, or even your legs but simply your underarm. If you don't want to be insulted, groom.
• On that note, do not wear open toed shoes if your toes are not viewable. Eeeewww.
• Do learn to cook. One meal will not kill you. As much as we all want to say that its not important, think of this. Wouldn't you want the girl your son will marry to be someone who knows how to cook at least one meal? Golden rule.
• Read. Be updated. Yes, you may look like Halle Berry or Jessica Alba but if you have nothing in between your ears, better make sure you have the prowess of Angelina Jolie in bed since that is where you will be delegated.
• Thou shall not flirt ... with the brother of your date, with the friends, or with any male species that he is family with or friends. That is not cool.
• Do thank the guy when he pays for the date. Yes, he should but still, thank him. Let him down easy if you end up not liking him. And if you were the one to ask him out, shell out. Some girls ask guys out just to get them to pay for something, that is not good. We need to be independent at times especially if its something we want. Now if they asked, let them pay. If you ask, prepare to pay. So don't ask. Lol!

Okay?

12 things men ought to RELEARN

I know that with all the talk about women being equal to men I shouldn't expect anything or what have you from men nowadays but really, would it kill you to show some of the old world courtesy that guys did for women back then?

So here's a list of things that I think should never be missing from a man's behavior when they are with women. And ladies, say THANK YOU. Don't be rude as well and act as if you had the right to be treated as such. Remember, a lady to be treated like a lady, must act like a lady.

• opening the door ... I know it's not heavy but it would be really nice to have someone hold it for you especially if you're carrying a lot of things and not have to have your face carved or imprinted on a door
• offering your seat in a bus, LRT, MRT ... seriously ... don't even offer it to a pretty lady ... but to that old man or woman ... would it really kill you to stand and let an older person sit?
• carrying a woman's heavy load ... don't carry her teeny tiny lil handbag but if she has more than 2 bags already and what have you, then take it ...
• opening the car door ... its something simple ... you just need to go around ... just a lil effort
• pulling the chair when dining ... don't do this at a fastfood resto ... only when you're at a restaurant
• going on the not so safe side when crossing the street
• standing up when being introduced to a girl
• offering your hand instead of the customary beso when first introduced
• paying for the bill ... I know you talk about being practical and all but really .... IF YOU DO NOT HAVE MONEY, DO NOT ASK A GIRL OUT!
• taking a girl home after gimmick ... fine, it seems sweet when done in the movies how the girl is whisked away in a yellow cab but really, what do you think is the girl feeling afterwards when she's alone?
• offering to pick her up ... enough of the lets meet somewhere crap ...
• flowers ... one lil long stemmed rose goes a long long way

These are what I can think of for now .... anyone want to add anything? Oh, and before someone bashes me for being so old school or a throwback to the 20's ... seriously ... deep inside, girls feel good when they are treasured.

I am FABULOUS!

I was talking to a friend of mine and we were chatting about crushes and dating and how I never seemed to be without one before except for the two year hiatus I took after I broke up with M. I realized that I have been craving male companionship because I've never really had a Dad and older brothers to take care of me and make me feel secured. Then I became insecure and would always need validation from the male species. After that, I had two really woonderful boyfriends (not at the same time); J and R. They gave me what I needed or thought I needed and yet, I broke up with them.

I then met Hubs and obviously, things are not going so well in that area. I think I've relied on him to much for my happiness. I made my life revolve around him and our family. I forgot who I was, what I wanted, and who I should be.

I've come to realize that if I want to do things, I shouldn't wait for someone to go try it with me. I've realized that if I want to eat somewhere, I should just go and treat myself instead of waiting for someone to go with me. I should go watch movies by myelf. I should watch stage plays by myself and not miss out on another Miss Saigon because someone didn't want to go with me. I need to start taking care of me and stop relying on others to be with me and enjoy things with me.

If someone has the same tastes as I do, well and good. If not, then that's their problem right. If they can't appreciate me for the fabulous, crazy, fun loving me, then so be it. If they think my thighs are too big, my hips too wide, my butt too rounded ... their lost; not mine.

I need to stop needing other people and just need myself. I am fabulous the way I am. Stretch marks, cellulites, fats, quirkiness, bitchiness, selfishness and all.

someday I'll be over you

They say that when something that you truly believes in crumbles down in your face, it is hard to accept that failure. Sometimes you blame yourself eventhough you know you did everything you possibly could. Then you blame yourself for not being able to push yourself more. It's all blame blame blame.

I have been badly hurt. Scarred to the point where I don't think there is anything left in me to be hurt. Then I realize that with just a word or complete disregard, there is still a tinge of pain. So I can say that yes I have accepted what happened to us, where this all led to ... but I am still not completely over it.

Someday, I hope I will be.