One of the things that I have never had to question myself about was my ability to love other people. Historically, I have always been the type of person who loves until she has nothing left to give. This is the time that I normally give up on people.
I love and I love until I can love no more. Many have told me that this is not a good way to love because when it's done, you are left spent, broken, and empty.
When a relationship ends, I am always left spent, broken, and empty. Friends and family would then help me build myself again piece by piece, gluing things one at a time. Sometimes, a part would break apart once more and leave a gaping hole then my friends or family would scramble to help me fill that hole.
I realized that I didn't want to love like that anymore. It's not healthy and it's not right. This is why it took me so long to open up to a new relationship. I was scared of loving someone the way I used to and then getting hurt again.
I think I became too good at it because my little sister once said to me that Sam Smith's Too Good at Goodbyes has become my national anthem. She said that I was so good at protecting my heart and my self that I can easily say goodbye and walk away just like that.
Then came M.
For the last 3.5 months, he has been around. He would tell me on an almost daily basis how lucky he feels to have me in his life. He would be so grateful for things that I do for him. Heck, he moved from Cainta to the South to be nearer so we could get to know each other better and spend more time together.
He would always tell me that he wants us to sort things if we have misunderstandings or miscommunications. He would say sorry when he does something wrong and assure me, ASSURE ME, that he would never do anything to damage the relationship.
He made me feel secure.
"I'll put our relationship first over my pride."
"You are the best thing that happened to me."
"I never want to lose you."
Last night, we had a MINOR spat or so I thought. No matter what angle I look at it, it was one of those spats that could have been resolved asap. However, it seems that he misinterpreted either my actions or words again and he retaliated. He retaliated and inflicted pain on me because he was mad.
This is why wrath is one of the 7 deadly sins. When we feel anger, we say things we don't mean. We do things we don't mean. We inflict pain because we are mad. We are mad because we hurt and to feel better about hurting, we inflict pain thinking that it will make us feel better. I hope what he did made him feel better because he succeeded in hurting me immensely. What he did was so painful that I have not been able to cry at all since last night. 17 hours later and no tears but my heart keeps breaking and has been breaking bit by bit for the last 17 hours.
A part of me wants to reach out because I love him and I want to fix things but I don't know how to. I don't know how this can be fixed now that I know he is capable of hurting me that badly and disregarding me completely. Everything he said, promised, and assured me of in the last 3.5 months ... it blew up in my face when he left me standing in the parking lot. My heart started breaking a minute after when I realized he wasn't coming back. It broke completely when I confirmed he got home safe and was sound asleep without a care if I got home safe as well.
A part of me says that I did not deserve that kind of treatment and to not tolerate it. I should just walk away as well and that I'll be better off on my own. I have been okay for the last 4 years so the almost 4 months can be just a blip in the story of my life.
I'm not mad. I wish I was. It would be so much easier. Mad is easy to handle. Pain, pain of this level, that's different. I don't know what will happen. Honestly, I don't even know if we're still together coz we had an agreement that should someone walk out, then it's over.
He didn't just walk out. He drove off in such a hurry I turned around to make sure death wasn't running after him. He left me standing there ... on my own ... in the middle of the parking lot not caring if I got home safely ... not caring if he just broke my heart ... not caring that I am now left with the question do I choose to love him or should I choose to love me?