A few days ago, I finally told you about my state of health and one of the things that I even compared me to was a coffee shop. I realize now that my brain really knows better than my heart. I’ve come to see that I am indeed your very own coffee shop.
Coffee shops are places we go to in the morning or at night. This is where we do our good mornings or where we say, what a day! It’s a comfort zone. This is where we spill thought vomits or share ideas which we may need help on. Coffee shops are awesome but we only really remember them when we have nothing else to do or when we need them. In between, they are parked away without a thought thrown in their direction.
In this sense, I am a coffee shop to you. Initially, I was something exciting, like when you discover a new place. You couldn’t wait to see me or hang out here. In fact, you managed to hang out in this place 3x amidst your busy schedule. You made time. I felt important.
However, as with anything, when the excitement wore off, you’ve stopped trying to see me. I have become just another coffee shop to you. We are a dime a dozen but you still go here daily simply because you got used to it. You message me and talk to me but it’s more out of habit rather than anything else. After all, we have been chatting daily for almost 2 months now. Habit is formed when you do something for several days.
I am just a habit now. I am not anything special. I mean, yes you like me but that's about it. You just like me. You.Just.Like.Me.
This should have been okay. It should have been. After all, we went out on 3 dates. THREE DATES. So what if we chatted daily from morning till night for one month straight? THREE DATES. So what if we have made it a point to talk to each other and be each other’s thought dumping sites for the next month. THREE DATES. It doesn’t mean anything. IT WAS JUST THREE DATES. Regardless if we had talked to each other daily for two months it was just three dates.
It means nothing right?
Apparently, I am a stapler. I get easily attached and I have become attached to you. While you simply saw me as a comfort zone, I have started seeing you in a different manner, one that you do not share. I’m not as dense as you think I am. Whenever I try to say something that hints of my feelings, you send me a freakin smiley. A SMILEY. Gah!
Thankfully, I am a little bit smarter now and I have come to realize that I am falling again for someone who is not going to fall for me. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. There are so many reasons why you’re not. Again:
1. You barely know me.
2. THREE DATES.
3. You don’t really have time to get to know me.
4. You don’t have time to even assess what we are.
5. You just came out of two broken relationships. Sometimes I feel envious that for her, you booked a plane ride just to have dinner and I can't even have one with you in the last month when we are in the same city. This is the part where logical me says "he's just not that into you."
6. You are still broken and hopefully healing for your own sake.
7. You just don’t see me that way.
8. I was just someone convenient if we will be utterly honest.
So there. Now that we have established that, I would like to say thank you …
1. For making me laugh
2. For making me feel special
3. For being there when I needed someone
4. For calling me out when I am petulant
5. For calling me out when I feel insecure
6. For not giving me false hope
I would also like to say goodbye for now. I need to do this for myself before I fall for you 100% and have my heart broken because you won’t be there to catch me. Contrary to popular belief that I will simply bounce when I fall, I won’t. If I fall for you and it looks like I will at the rate I am going and judging on how my heart flutters like crazy whenever you message (the few times in a day that you actually remember me) and you don’t fall as well (it’s fairly obvious you won’t and it’s cool - - - okay it’s not cool but I gotta think it is) then I’m in for some serious heartache.
I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I won’t force myself on you as well. I’ve learned to love myself enough to never do that again. So I’m gonna step back and get myself all sorted out. I need to.
Distansyang Sapat - - - I wrote this poem when I initially realized that I liked you more than I should and you didn’t like me more than you should. Distansya muna ako because I need to, because it is what my heart needs and when I’m okay again, when I no longer feel things for you that I shouldn’t, perhaps I’ll say hi and we can be friends again. Or perhaps I’ll just cherish the memories and moments we had and pray that this 2017, you find the healing that you need and you find that girl who will make you believe in love again because it’s obviously not me.
It’s not me and it hurts and this is why I need to step away. Goodbye sweets. It was good while it lasted but I think it’s best we leave what we are behind in 2016 because what we are is confusing and is now starting to hurt me. I wish you well. It’s just sad that it wasn’t me. I could have made you forget all about the pain you have in your heart but I guess it’s not for me to do but for someone else.
I hope you find her soon. For now, this coffee shop now no longer serves coffee. Perhaps it never will again.