Monday, March 10, 2008

I remember the boys ...

but I don't remember the feeling ... anymore.

It's funny. Here I am sitting in front of the PC, making sure that I don't fall asleep so that I can sleep tomorrow morning and make sure that I am up and running when I go to the office at night and just you know, chilling out when out of nowhere, my MP3 plays a song that brings me down to memory lane.

It's actually a specific memory lane. One that I kind of want to share with you just to find out if others go through this sometime or maybe its just me.

For those not familiar with the title, its a song by Lea Salonga called I Remember the Boy. It talks about past loves and remembering them but not feeling the same way about them. And I do, I remember them all and the songs that they have dedicated to me or the songs that I associate them with. So here's my list. Ü

Mike. My high school sweetheart. My 1st boyfriend though not necessarily my first love. I remember him when I hear Somebody by Depeche Mode. I wish I could say that it was our song but it wasn't. It was his song with his first love who ended up being his wife. It still stings at times when I hear this because there were a few unpleasant memories that I associate it with. Wherever he is now, I hope he's happy. He taught me how painful love can be but he also taught me how wonderful a first kiss was.

Nald. My Dawson Leery and my first love. I don't know if I ever told him that he was my first love. After all, I only fully realized what he was in my life back in college when we kissed for the first and last time. I remember him when I hear Why Can't it Be or A Friend of Mine. Obviously, it was never us though I think that if we were brave enough, it could have been.

JP. My college sweetheart. I first fell for his best firend and then we fell for each other and thier friendship fell apart. I regret breaking their friendship to this day. He was really sweet and dedicated. He was my rock during the crazy times I had in college and he helped me through a lot of problems. Too much togetherness killed our relationship I believe. Our song was When You Say Nothing at All. Irony of all things was he hooke dup with a best buddy of mine which caused the downfall of our friendship. Payback's a bitch huh?

Karlo. He was the bestfriend. We were made to sing during an orientation at a time that I found out he was just leading me on coz he knew I liked him. It's amazing that I didn't cry at that time we were singing You Won't See Me Crying. He did though, a lot of times.

Zoltan. He was an actor and an older guy. I was only 17 then and he was 26 I think. Met him at an acting workshop where he was my big brother and then we kind of fell for each other. My Mom hated him for "taking advantage" and that drove me to end our one month relationship. I think I hurt him pretty badly. I'm sorry. It was the right love at the wrong time. I told him somewhere down the road, we might meet again. We never did.

Edward. Online love that ended online as well. Looking back now, he caught me at a time where I was still too insecure about myself, my life, my body, and my worth. I felt that he did not love me enough nor treasured me. I thought that he didn't care. I had too many expectations of him and when he didn't meet it, I got upset. Now I realized that he did love me, loved me a lot. A fond memory was a night that I slept over a friend's house to finish a documentary and everything that could go wrong went wrong. He came over and did everything to make sure that we would pass. When I was freaking out, he stood up, hugged me, and sang Say It to me.

Ryan. Last week, I had coffee with a coworker. A guy. I don't remember how we got to talking about exes but we did and I mentioned that Ryan was the guy that every single female dreams of having as a boyfriend. Romantic, thoughtful, sweet, loves with abandon, cute, tall, smart, funny, and all that. This coworker of mine answered, "So if he's so perfect, why is he an ex?" I was stumped. To this day, I ask myself why I broke up with him. The only reason I can think of now is so that I can meet my future hubby. At that time though, I just felt unhappy. I know I hurt him really bad and I know that in some ways, he will never forgive me though we talk occasionally now. our song was To Be With You. He serenaded me in his car with that song when I was still nursing a broken heart. He was so patient and so forgiving then of all the hurt I inflicted on him. He just kept telling me that all he wanted was to love me and to make me happy. How many guys do you know are like that? And that is what he did. He loved me and loved me and made me happy. Ours was probably the most tumultous of all my relationships but he was always there. He never left me hanging. I did.

Chip. My rockstar. I will never forget Iris. Too bad we weren't able to connect when you left and when you came back, it was already too late. It will always be a what if.

Reading this now, I realized that I have hurt a lot of people and been hurt by them as well. I am sorry for the hurt I've given them but I know that in the same way that thier hurting me made me a stronger and better person, I know that I did the same for them. So to you all, I hope you're happy now and that sometimes, you remember me too with a fond smile on your face.

1 comment:

Hi! Let's all try to add more positivity in this world and adhere to the saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say, keep silent."

Showering you with unicorn poop so you'd always stay magical! Heart heart!