I am a SUICIDE survivor.

I first slashed my wrist when I was 18. I used a broken glass to cut my wrist and it took 6 stitches. I was supposed to die. I wanted to die. I truly, honestly wanted to die. I was 18, attending one of the top universities, at the highest point of my life but all I felt was misery. I was very miserable.  

Everyday I would cry ... I would cry at this small chapel we have at school and no one would reach out to me. Eventually the depression got the better of me and I started entertaining thoughts of suicide, of ending it all.

I pondered about it. I really thought about it ... entertained thoughts of it. I thought about how I should go about it. I was that crazy.

Eventually the thoughts left my mind and I went on to having a normal life. Or so I thought.

One day, I was feeling extremely happy and it was such a nice surprise to me. I've been sad and miserable so that ray of sunshine was a welcome treat. I savored that day and kept singing coz I sing when I'm happy.

That night, a friend of mine told me that I was going to kill myself. I was incredulous. How could he suggest something like that on the one day that I was happy? I did not believe him. I refused.

I went to bed at around past 12 and took a glass of water with me. That should have been the first sign for me to know that I had a few screws loose. I don't bring water with me in my room.

10 minutes before 1am and I snap. I don't know what happened but I broke the glass and slashed my wrist. Just.like.that.

It was a good thing I suppose that my Mom checked on me a few minutes later. Mommy instincts? I really can't say but she checked on me and this is why I am still alive today. It took 6 stitches to close the wound I made on my wrist.

The wound healed within 2 months but the scar it left is still with me. My family was traumatized as well as my friends. They could not understand what happened. I used to be this uber bubbly girl who was an overachiever. I had so much going for me that ending my life was not something that people would ever think I would do.

To be honest, eventhough I contemplated it, I never thought that I would do it. But I did and now I realize that if I had reached out to someone ... if I had told someone about my dark thoughts, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have done it.

The second time I slashed my wrist, it was a conscious decision on my part. My family was fighting and my mind couldn't handle it. I just wanted them to stop fighting and when they wouldn't ... I cut myself.

This cut was far more serious than the other one. It took 10 stitches and I lost a lot of blood. A lot. My brother had to tie a really tight torniquet on my arm to prevent my losing more blood than I already have. Thankfully, I was saved again.


Those are the scars that I will forever have on my wrist. Few people notice it. The few who have could not believe that it was there. They were shocked, amazed, and appalled. They could not believe that I did it. They could not believe that I was even capable of doing something like this, much more to myself.

This was 9 years ago. I was 21 the last attempt that I made on my life. I promised my Mom and myself that I won't do it again; that should I do it again, I will make sure it was successful. It's been 9 years and I have never made another attempt on my own life.

I went through hell and back but I did not try to kill myself. I was proud of me. Very.

Lately though, when self doubt eats me, when I worry about the welfare of my son and my capabilities, when I doubt ... I sometimes have thoughts of suicide. I have thoughts ... but I do not have plans of executing it. I don't.

I have a kid who needs me and has only me to rely on and I will not be so selfish to rid him of a mom when he no longer has a dad. I may be not a great mom but I am trying to be a good one at the very least.

So now comes the big question ... why blog about this? Why talk about something that has been buried for 9 years? 

I blogged about this to let other people who are feeling low know that ending your life is not the best way to go about things. Suicide is not an option. It is not a solution and it is not something that you should even think about.

When you think about these things, go find someone to talk to. It doesn't matter if its the middle of the day or the night. Find someone to talk to. NOW. Do not think that it would be an inconvenience for the other person. I'm sure being interrupted from sleep is a better choice for him/her than having to attend your funeral. No one wants to go to one. So call, pester, and annoy your friends. Do not think; just call the moment bad thoughts come your way. Please.

Lastly, I blogged this to serve as a reminder to me. More than anything, this is a reminder to me.

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45 comments:

  1. When I started to read this entry of yours...I immediately remembered "Veronika Decides to Die..." although her's was a lil diff of a story from yours. Well, all i can say is that most, if not all, of us go through that certain phase...and I always believed that those are like transition period for something of somewhere better. I'm glad you became YOU that you are right now. :)

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  2. thank YOU! I felt much appreciated.

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  3. oceanne, aye, paulo coelho rocks! \m/
    sweetkay, as they say, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. am glad you lived to tell the tale. you're one tough gurl ,-)

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  5. thanks Rene ... I am learning to be tough ...

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  6. I pretty much understand you. I believe that if you never felt like killing yourself even once in your life, you never really lived. However, I hope you don't feel that way ever again.

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  7. I also can't believe it you did that twice. DOesn't it hurt? Haha. The mere fact that you're going to slash your wrist... oh my. I can't imagine myself doing that since I am afraid of blood and I don't like to feel pain hahaha
    Don't do it again. Enjoy life.

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  8. I always think of committing suicide. Hahaha. In high school, my research paper was all about suicide: the art of killing your self. Pero til now, di ko magawa. Natatakot ako kahit minsan sobrang depressed ako. Pero prinomise ko na na hinding hindi ko gagawin yun. Glad na nabuhay ka. Please dont do it again. tulad ng promise ko sa sarili ko. :)

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  9. I'm a counselor and I have talked to a lot of suicide attempters, not only my clients, but participants to my thesis as well. One thing I learned is that suicide attempts can become a habit, a behavior that can happen again and again because they served a purpose.

    I'm glad you decided to speak out; all too often, keeping silent makes it worse.

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  10. maturity gives you a much wider perspective. much wider options of answering problems rather than quitting life.

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  11. when u feel like doing it again, think of ur family and ur son particularly...be strong even just for ur son...and yes talk about it or seek help...

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  12. Good Evening!

    I have a friend who committed suicide when we were still studying. And after his recovery from the hospital, he can no longer open his arm as wide and flexible as before.

    Yours,

    Vicky David

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  13. I thought about doing this before but since I' afraid of death. I can't. What I do is pray and travel to a place where I haven't been before. that way I can loosen what I feel and think. God bless you!

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  14. Actually now that I've read about this, you can count me as one of those who can't believe that you've done this.. >.< But I'm very glad that you have finally overcome the thought of suicide. How sad, miserable and depressed we may be, taking away our own life is just wrong. Living is a beautiful thing, and life is full of not only bad things, but also good ones.. :)

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  15. Hi Kay! I know we dont know each other but if you need to talk to someone, just message me on facebook. It would help if you open up rather than keeping your feelings all bottled up. Be strong.

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  16. To solve a problem, one must face it squarely. Suicide is cowardice not a solution. After all, it is said that God will not burden you with something you cannot endure.

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  17. well,you survived all this and now you won't do it or even think about it because of your son .you know that he only has you and it will break his heart if you ever leave him.

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  18. What a very inspiring story you have Kay! No I didn't like the suicide part but rather the realization you have after all the two attempts that life after all is worth living.

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  19. i'm speechless, i've never met anyone who ever tried suicide though i read and hear about it every now and then. There's really a point in our lives that we just want to give up, im in so much emotional pain too for time immemorial that its so difficult to function. What i do is keep my mind busy so I wont have negative thoughts. That time going to bed is the toughest one coz you are alone with your thoughts so that's the time i always pray hard... Lets be thankful that we are given this chance to right our wrong and to struggle everyday for that happiness.. it would be an everyday struggle but with your kid and our family it is worth the fight.

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  20. As your blog say..
    Life is Kulayful,
    I was suicidal too when I was younger, but I've diverted all that negative to something positive.

    You just have to keep yourself sane though it can be a challenge sometimes.

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  21. Thanks for sharing your personal side to this blogging world. All of us comes in a stage of loneliness and depression. That's why it is advisable to open-up. Of course we can't blame people who wants to be alone, but I'm sure they are also finding ways to open-up though alone (I'm one of them , hehehe). You are an amazing person, and yeah suicide is not a solution to all the struggles. Life is beautiful.. without those flaws, there will be no excitement and challenge. You are very tough now, cause you have lerned to open your personal side. KUdos for you sis!

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  22. :0 This is a sad and shocking story.. good thing you have overcome this stage in your life. I wish you and your family pure happiness and joy Kay :)

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  23. Ay, the scar :( There are times na gusto ko na rin gumive up pero I fight against that will. I'm glad you survived.

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  24. Wow, I am speechless too! But here goes, I thank God you are blessed with the gift of writing! You have so much power in you, that you may not be aware of, but you do. Live life to the fullest, you deserve it! God bless!:)

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  25. same here, first time to meet(virtually)a suicide survivor. this suits for those who's feel helpless. as human, we feel this sudden feeling, it's your faith in God that all you need to play this game called "life".

    thank you for reminding,kenny.

    keep on blogging. Keep on Living. =)

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  26. Actually, I also try to kill myself when I was 14. I am so jealous with my sister but in the end I realize that I need to open my mind and heart to understand the situation.Well, Let's get back to you I am glad that you did not continue to suicide because life is beautiful and we only live once. :) Besides all the people that surrounds you, love you so much so don't give up the fight.

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  27. well i thought about it but in another way, wishing that sometime I need to die just to get out, but not as brave as you did. Good thing that you are now inspiration for others. who may want the same.

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  28. As you blog implies, Life is Colorful that ending your life will just erase the beautiful colors that you can see in life.

    Just always remember that suicide is not a solution as you said, it is a misery, not only you but also to the people around you who loved you. So just be positive and believe that behind the clouds, the sun always shines!

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  29. One of the signs that you have surely moved on from your past is to be able to freely talk about it and share it for others to also learn from. I had been there and my attempt was last year. It is still fresh and wanted to move on from it.

    Thanks for this post. I have mustered my own courage to see through another day. My family and friends remain my strongest fortress in this.

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  30. what more can i say, sinabi na nilang lahat, may this blog post serves a reminder to you, be happy, life is kulayful!

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  31. Yes, that's very very true - suicide is not the option to get away with your day-to-day problems in life. God has saved you for several attempts you've made to end your life, for He has the reason and mission for you. Be sensitive unto it and you'll know why.

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  32. so your problem was that you think you have everything, but you lacked something else. i may not have everything you have, but I have Jesus who is making me complete.

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  33. so your problem was that you think you have everything, but you lacked something else. i may not have everything you have, but I have Jesus who is making me complete.

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  34. huh kahit anung prob dumating sakin di ko tlga naisip gawin yan.... buti naka survive ka....

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  35. You still haven't fulfill your life's purpose. God let you stay because there are still a lot of people who needs you here. People who will draw strength from you like your son. You are one lucky girl. Suicide is for the cowards and weak. You are braver than you think you are. And I'm glad you chose to live. Life is a gift. Keep it and embrace it. God Bless you Miss Kay.

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  36. why is there a lot of suicidal people, just why can't they wait for their time... life is just short, guys. you feel depressed then shout your heart out or talk to someone... taking your own life is never an answer, it just mean that you don't want to share the responsibilities we all must face... im so sorry, but this is selfishness, egoistic and so self-centered act. i'm glad that you found your reason to live... always think of him, your love ones and all those who love you... may mga taong mas malaki pa ang problema sa inyo pero di sila nawalan ng pag-asa... and try to make it a habit to always talk to our Almighty Father and ask Him always for guidance when you are in great despair, unworthy, grief, hatred, or confused in any way... then pass unto Him all your burdens, shout it to Him if you must. He will always listen and understand, He won't be angry... you just have to open your heart to know that. take care of yourself, kay, your son needs you the most. Yahweh bless. http://trunklocker.blogspot.com/2012/01/viva-senior-santo-nino.html

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  37. God breathed life to each and every one of us. And only God could take our lives. God has a special longing and love for the human race. The fact that God sent His one and only Son Jesus down to us here on earth in the flesh to go through the worst form of physical death just to bring us back to Himself, really does show us how much God really love all of us.

    http://travel-on-a-shoe-string.blogspot.com/2012/01/libations-bar-grand-launch-g-strip.html

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  38. I'm glad you went all thru these pain and moved on, I know there are times when your moment does not shine but later on you'll find it out soon. Be strong, seek guidance and as always pray.

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  39. so brave of you to share this experience. Your testimony might help those who are also in the same dilemma.

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  40. Wow, thanks for the personal post. It's difficult especially when we are young. We don't really see that a lot of people go through the same struggles too. We don't really appreciate life until we get older. Life is amazing, even with all the problems that we go through everyday. The results are too great to miss out. I'm so happy that you haven't thought of going back the same road and I know (based on what I read on your site) that your life is great as it is now, or it may have a better future.

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  41. God has a plan for you. Always trust in that promise. It's great that you were given another opportunity and that you have learned from your mistakes. Live on!

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  42. Suicide really is not an option. Do not waste your life. In every trials there is always a comfort as long as you face it.

    Ending your life in the midst of problems is really a selfish thing to do. Make your life be meaningful.

    Each person has his own hardship in life, yours might not be that big. Here is a inspirational video I wanted to share to all so it will always remind you that your problem is not as big as others.

    Watch this and it will change how you look at things in life. Always look at the positive side.

    The most inspirational video you will ever see Nick Vujicic

    You may be complete physically but the guy on that video isn't...

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  43. This is an eye-opener.

    You are a great person and worthy of God's great love. :)

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