I first slashed my wrist when I was 18. I used a broken glass to cut my wrist and it took 6 stitches. I was supposed to die. I wanted to die. I truly, honestly wanted to die. I was 18, attending one of the top universities, at the highest point of my life but all I felt was misery. I was very miserable.
Everyday I would cry ... I would cry at this small chapel we have at school and no one would reach out to me. Eventually the depression got the better of me and I started entertaining thoughts of suicide, of ending it all.
I pondered about it. I really thought about it ... entertained thoughts of it. I thought about how I should go about it. I was that crazy.
Eventually the thoughts left my mind and I went on to having a normal life. Or so I thought.
One day, I was feeling extremely happy and it was such a nice surprise to me. I've been sad and miserable so that ray of sunshine was a welcome treat. I savored that day and kept singing coz I sing when I'm happy.
That night, a friend of mine told me that I was going to kill myself. I was incredulous. How could he suggest something like that on the one day that I was happy? I did not believe him. I refused.
I went to bed at around past 12 and took a glass of water with me. That should have been the first sign for me to know that I had a few screws loose. I don't bring water with me in my room.
10 minutes before 1am and I snap. I don't know what happened but I broke the glass and slashed my wrist. Just.like.that.
It was a good thing I suppose that my Mom checked on me a few minutes later. Mommy instincts? I really can't say but she checked on me and this is why I am still alive today. It took 6 stitches to close the wound I made on my wrist.
The wound healed within 2 months but the scar it left is still with me. My family was traumatized as well as my friends. They could not understand what happened. I used to be this uber bubbly girl who was an overachiever. I had so much going for me that ending my life was not something that people would ever think I would do.
To be honest, eventhough I contemplated it, I never thought that I would do it. But I did and now I realize that if I had reached out to someone ... if I had told someone about my dark thoughts, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have done it.
The second time I slashed my wrist, it was a conscious decision on my part. My family was fighting and my mind couldn't handle it. I just wanted them to stop fighting and when they wouldn't ... I cut myself.
This cut was far more serious than the other one. It took 10 stitches and I lost a lot of blood. A lot. My brother had to tie a really tight torniquet on my arm to prevent my losing more blood than I already have. Thankfully, I was saved again.
Those are the scars that I will forever have on my wrist. Few people notice it. The few who have could not believe that it was there. They were shocked, amazed, and appalled. They could not believe that I did it. They could not believe that I was even capable of doing something like this, much more to myself.
This was 9 years ago. I was 21 the last attempt that I made on my life. I promised my Mom and myself that I won't do it again; that should I do it again, I will make sure it was successful. It's been 9 years and I have never made another attempt on my own life.
I went through hell and back but I did not try to kill myself. I was proud of me. Very.
Lately though, when self doubt eats me, when I worry about the welfare of my son and my capabilities, when I doubt ... I sometimes have thoughts of suicide. I have thoughts ... but I do not have plans of executing it. I don't.
I have a kid who needs me and has only me to rely on and I will not be so selfish to rid him of a mom when he no longer has a dad. I may be not a great mom but I am trying to be a good one at the very least.
So now comes the big question ... why blog about this? Why talk about something that has been buried for 9 years?
I blogged about this to let other people who are feeling low know that ending your life is not the best way to go about things. Suicide is not an option. It is not a solution and it is not something that you should even think about.
When you think about these things, go find someone to talk to. It doesn't matter if its the middle of the day or the night. Find someone to talk to. NOW. Do not think that it would be an inconvenience for the other person. I'm sure being interrupted from sleep is a better choice for him/her than having to attend your funeral. No one wants to go to one. So call, pester, and annoy your friends. Do not think; just call the moment bad thoughts come your way. Please.
Lastly, I blogged this to serve as a reminder to me. More than anything, this is a reminder to me.