I watched Moira's new MV for her song Paubaya and it reminded me so much of my past loves. Men that I thought loved me but simply needed me. Men that used me but made me think that they loved me. Men that were wrong from the very beginning but I thought I could make right.
They just needed me.
They just used me.
They were just wrong.
When you love someone that's wrong for you, it will always be a struggle. There will always be fights that you just can't seem to fix. There will always be doubts that you will try to squash.
It will always take so much time. It will always feel like "I need to do this" vs "I want to do this." It will always be a feeling of "you and me against the world" instead of "the world celebrates our love." It will always be "why am I doing more, why am I hurting more, why am I feeling more?"
You see, when love is wrong, even the Universe will conspire against you. When it's not God's will, no amount of praying will help. I know because I have prayed so hard to God before. I prayed I begged, I threatened, I begged some more to make this guy the right one, to make him love me, to make him choose me. I begged and prayed and begged and prayed and still, nothing.
I lost the guy. I got my heart broken into a million pieces. I cried buckets of tears.
And so I let go. I had no choice really. Every single time, it was either the guy was never really there from the start or has left without fair warning. So I let go. I had to.
It wasn't easy. Sometimes, it took years. I would play scenarios in my head. What if I did this? What if I had done that? What if, what if, what if?
Then, I truly let go.
I let go of my constant quest to be loved and started learning to love myself.
It was hard.
I was so DAMN hard.
I didn't know where to begin. I even asked people, "how do you love yourself?"
I didn't know how to but I started by taking baby steps.
I did things I wanted to do. I laid in bed and did nothing. I watched that series I have always wanted but never had the chance because my partner didn't like it. I wore that dress I wasn't allowed to. I took that hobby I have always wanted to pursue but couldn't because it took up too much time.
I wore makeup just because. I didn't wear makeup because I didn't want to. I spent time with friends. I spent time with family. I spent time with ME. I did things with ME. I nurtured ME.
I forgot about finding the one. I forgot about needing to have someone. I forgot about the eternal quest of having someone to complete me and I completed myself.
I became whole.
Then I met him and though there were struggles, it was easier too.
It was easier to hold on. It was easier to fight for. It was easier to forgive. It was easier to choose each other every single day. Even in our darkest moment, it was easier to remember why we wanted this to work.
That's how I knew this was it! He was God's best for me.
It took 40 years but I finally found God's best and it only happened because I let go of the men who didn't love me, the men who didn't want me, the men who only needed me, and the men who only used me.
I let go.
I loved myself
and I waited for God's best.
Now, I have him and I am never letting go again.