when you just love ...

I recently spoke to someone I used to love. My love for him was different. I had to own him. I had to have him. My love for him was selfish ... he was either mine or I wished he would go to hell. He had to be with me all the time and I needed to have his sole attention all on me.

My love for him wasn't real. It was a love borne out of a need to have his attention, focus, and love all on me. I loved him because I needed him. I needed him to validate myself. I needed him to feel good about myself. I needed him to love me.

I didn't love him. I thought I did but looking back, I realized that I didn't really love him. When you love someone, you want what is best for that person. You want what is good for that person. You want good things and only good things. You want them to grow, to mature, to learn from their mistakes.

You want what is best for them, even when it isn't you.

My Mom asked me last week, "are you in love with him?"

I told her I didn't know. All I knew was that I wanted everything good for him. I wanted the world to know him. I wanted the world to know his ideas because they are ideas worth knowing. I wanted the world to know who he is ... to speak his name in a good way ... because he changed the world.

He wants to change the world.

I wanted him to break his walls so he will know what it's really like to let people in. Yes, it will hurt but it will also be glorious. He will know what it's like to truly love and be loved for real in return. He will know what its like to have someone care and be concerned, not in a superficial manner but in the truest sense of the word.

I wanted him to be better. To know when he is wrong and say I'm sorry when he hurts someone. To apologize without being forced. To know when his words have caused a thousand pains and to know when to stop. To know when to make the first move and simply swallow his pride.

He is not perfect. He is far from perfect and so am I. He has hurt me and I have hurt him. For a friendship, what we have has been pretty intense but it was real. Or so I thought.

A quiet "just leave" is apparently more painful than a thousand screams. Sometimes, the worst fights are the most quiet ones.

— MsKathyKenny 宝云 (@mskathykenny) September 25, 2017

We have been fighting for 2 weeks straight and on my end, I have said many hurtful words. I did it because I was hurt as well. He said I had to make amends but apparently, my idea of making amends did not coincide with his idea of making amends and so here we are, at a standstill.

I told him I'll just stay away and wait for him to be ready to be friends with me again. I wish I could read his mind so that I know what it is he wanted me to do to make amends. I just really wanna make amends.

I wish I was like the sun though. It would have been so much better. If he would let me, I would like to be the sun.

For now ...