seek and you shall find

I can honestly say that I have been seeking God in my life for the last 12 years or so. I've been seeking but doing a really awful job of maintaining it. I've been Liturgcal Head, a La Sallian brother, a facilitator in recollections, reader of the Angelus during lunchtime, and I was even co-creator to a website whose main goal was to inform everyone that:

"Christian life was never meant to be boring ..."

I've been "sober" from being suicidal for the last 9 years. My last attempt was when I was 21 and I haven't done anything remotely resembling that in the last 9 years. Even when my world fell apart and I had nowhere to go, it was not an option anymore for me. Yes, I think it, but I do not act on those thoughts. My friends and I'd like to believe that Jesus stops me whenever I go off the deep end.

I met someone recently and I envy her. I know envy is a bad thing but she seems so calm, so at peace. I want that peace. I want to be able to trust people and not think bad thoughts. I want to be able to look at someone and compliment them. I want to be a ray of sunshine rather than be the gloom and doom. I want to be better, not bitter.

I want to be loved, and to love. I do not want to hate anymore. I want to stop hating. I need to stop hating. She told me "seek and you shall find" and I have been seeking and finding but I lose it soon as I find it. How do I maintain it? How do I keep hold of the positivity and the peace that seems to forever elude me?

How do I find me?

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2 comments:

  1. "How do I find me?"

    That's a good question.

    I went through a really turbulent couple of years in my early 20s. I guess I felt very much invincible, and that there was no such thing as consequence. It was a lot of fun, but I got tired of it.

    You know how I found myself? Family.

    I started spending more time with my parents, my cousins, my sisters. I started spending more time at home. That was what worked for me, because the toxins in my life were coming from circles of friends that proved to be unhealthy for me.

    I hope you find yourself soon. *hugs*

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  2. It isn't easy, is it? I'm not perfect, but I do the best I can.

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